Monty’s Popular Posts
oil change
oil change the monty way
salad
fat guy discrimination
yellow vs white
handicap parking
JOKES
golf
dating advice
Greg tasered
Scroll down for the latests Monty Minute posts
June 1st, 2009 — rants
Monty’s Popular Posts
oil change
oil change the monty way
salad
fat guy discrimination
yellow vs white
handicap parking
JOKES
golf
dating advice
Greg tasered
Scroll down for the latests Monty Minute posts
March 8th, 2010 — rants
Heavenly Father,
>
>Within the past year you have taken away my favorite dancer, Michael
>Jackson, my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah
>Fawcett, my favorite comedian, Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays
>and my favorite sidekick, Ed McMahon.
>
>Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and
>Harry Reid.
>
>Thank you and Amen!
>
March 8th, 2010 — rants
There are 301 towns and 50 cities+ and 14 Counties
+ There are twelve communities in Massachusetts which have applied for, and been granted, city forms of government, though they wish to be known as “the town of”. They are: Agawam, Amesbury, Barnstable, Braintree, Easthampton, Franklin, Greenfield, Methuen, Southbridge, Watertown, West Springfield and Weymouth.
Oldest, Newest, Largest and Smallest Communities:
*
Geographic center of Massachusetts is the Town of Rutland in Worcester County.
*
Oldest town: Plymouth incorporated 1620
*
Oldest city: Boston incorporated 1820
*
Newest town: East Brookfield incorporated 1920
*
Newest city: Braintree incorporated 2007
*
Smallest by population: Town of Gosnold, 86 / City of North Adams, 14,681
*
Smallest by square miles: Town of Nahant, 1.04 / City of Chelsea, 1.86
*
Largest by population: Town of Framingham, 66,910 / City of Boston, 589,141
*
Largest by square miles: Town of Plymouth, 97.57 / City of Taunton, 47.29
How did Brookline and Cohasset become “islands” of Norfolk County?
When looking at the county boundaries, you may notice that the towns of Brookline and Cohasset lie outside and are not contiguous to the rest of their county. The second Norfolk County was organized in 1793 from parts of southern Suffolk County and the towns of Brookline+, Cohasset, Hingham and Hull as well as the approximate area of towns that now comprise Norfolk County. In 1803 the towns of Hingham and Hull opted out of Norfolk and became part of Plymouth County, thus cutting off Cohasset.
+ In 1795, Brookline petitioned the Supreme Judicial Court to “change its allegiance” back to Suffolk County, the court however, ignored the petition.
An historical note on county government in New England
Generally speaking, New England states do not have as active a county government system as compared to the rest of the nation. In Massachusetts for example, state roads (usually numbered routes) are cared for by the state highway department (MassHighway), while individual communities care for non-state roads within their borders. This can cause some confusion for folks who move here from other parts of the nation as the opposite appears true in their former home state.
Anomalies of note: Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts 02467
There are many neighborhood or area names that may cross local borders of one kind or another but, Chestnut Hill goes a little further than most. It is comprised of parts of the City of Boston, the City of Newton, and the Town of Brookline, as well as being comprise of the counties Suffolk, Middlesex, and Norfolk.
March 8th, 2010 — rants
last month i sold the truck. No takers yet on the pool table ( 8 1/2 ft) or the 2000 34 foot searay ( this will be a steal)
This month for sale I have :
Toro sit down mower. $ 400.00 or best offer
a punching bag $25.00
A hockey game one of the guys does not work on the blue team $75.00
a bottle of wine from Super Bowl XXXII (logo’d) $50.00 Merlot
Can you help a brother out? I could use the money and I want to get rid of some shit. Send the pickers over.
Next month, look for a grill, outdoor heater, bikes and a ping pong table.
When you live in a big house, you fill it up with stuff. When you have a big boat you fill it up with STUFF. When you are fat, you just eat more to fill it up and maintain your weight.
It is time to slim down.
Monty
March 5th, 2010 — rants
March 5th, 2010 — rants
Can a guy who is not gay have a girl or a woman for a friend? A best friend?
I asked 5 guys and when pressed they all told me no. That even though they were friends, they still wanted to bang her. Interesting.
When I asked woman, they all said that they could be friends without thinking about sex.
As a matter of fact they all said hey Monty, your my friend and the thought of sex never ever crossed my mind. Even for a million dollars it would not cross my mind. I would sooner pull my finger nails out, or get eaten by a lion. I say alright i get it.
If you a re a guy and you have a woman best friend, you are GAY. I did not say it is right, and I did not make it up, it is just the results of an extensive polling process.
March 5th, 2010 — rants
I love and hate to read resume’s. They make me laugh and they make me sick at the same time.
They always start out with some statement that is cut and pasted.
Like: Utilize my skills to reach total enrichment of company goals blah blah blah
Just say I am broke and I need a job. I have a house, a wife and kids and I am desperate. I will sell, answer the phones, Hell I will clean the restroom.
Now you will be getting somewhere and you will be noticed.
If you are looking for a salesjob, well start selling yourself.
I love the resume’s where the person looks so good, they could do your job in half a day. Then you look and they have had 12 jobs in 9 years. Suspicious? I think so. This person is a pain in the ass, I promise you.
Never interview for a job and say ” I want your job”. Young people always say that. Careful what you ask for,They might give you the seat and see what you can do. They would crap in their pants. Also, never ask how many sick days do I get.
As soon as you ask that, the interview is over. You are looking for a job and your first question, is how many Mondays and Friday’s a year can I call in with a hangover. That is just plain stupid.
Google gets 2800 resume’s a day that is more than 2 a minute. People all see the email with the free food and the loosy goosey atmosphere. Why do you think they give free food? so you will stay all day and night and work. don’t be fooled.
I asked a guy the other day who got a new job, how many weeks vacation he got and he said ” unlimited” I said that is brilliant on the employers part. If you got 3 you would take 3. If you got 4 , you would take 4. So they give you no set amount and no one takes more than 2. If you took 4 you would be gone in a year. Brilliant.
Another thought. I saw some people picketing their job site the other day. Just a thought here, but bad timing. there is 10 point + unemployment now. I am keeping mine. Thank you.
February 25th, 2010 — rants
This might be too long, but it gives good intel from someone that seems to know what they are talking about.
US Weapons:
1) The M-16 rifle:
Thumbs down. Chronic jamming problems with the talcum powder like sand over there. The sand is everywhere. Jordan says you feel filthy 2 minutes after coming out of the shower. The M-4 carbine version is more popular because it’s lighter and shorter, but it has jamming problems also. They lack the ability to mount the various optical gunsights and weapons lights on the picatinny rails, but the weapon itself is not great in a desert environment. They all hate the 5.56mm (.223) round. Poor penetration on the cinderblock structure common over there and even torso hits can’t be reliably counted on to put the enemy down.
Fun fact: Random autopsies on dead insurgents show
a high level of opiate use.
2) The M243 SAW (squad assault weapon): .223 cal. Drum fed light machine gun.
Big thumbs down. Universally considered a piece of shit. Chronic jamming problems, most of which require partial disassembly (that’s fun in the middle of a firefight).
3) The M9 Beretta 9mm:
Mixed bag. Good gun, performs well in desert environment; but they all hate the 9mm cartridge. The use of handguns for self-defense is actually fairly common. Same old story on the 9mm: Bad guys hit multiple times and still in the fight.
4) Mossberg 12ga. Military shotgun:
Works well, used frequently for clearing houses to good effect.
5) The M240 Machine Gun: 7.62 NATO (.308) cal. belt fed machine gun, developed to replace the old M-60 (what a beautiful weapon that was!!) Thumbs up. Accurate, reliable, and the 7.62 round puts ‘em down. Originally
developed as a vehicle mounted weapon, more and more are being dismounted and taken into the field by infantry. The 7.62
round chews up the structure over there.
6) The M2 50 cal heavy machine gun:
Thumbs way, way up. ”Ma Deuce” is still worth her considerable weight in gold. The ultimate fight stopper – puts their dicks in the dirt very time. The most coveted weapon in-theater.
7) The .45 pistol:
Thumbs up. Still the best pistol around out there. Everybody authorized to carry a sidearm is trying to get their hands on one. With few exceptions, can reliably be expected to put ‘em down with a torso hit. The special ops guys (who are doing most of the pistol work) use the HK military model and supposedly love it. The old government model .45’s are being re-issued en masse.
The M-14:
Thumbs up. They are being re-issued in bulk, mostly in a
modified version to special ops guys. Modifications include lightweight Kevlar stocks and low power red dot or ACOG sights. Very reliable in the sandy environment, and they love the 7.62 round.
9) The Barrett .50 cal sniper rifle:
Thumbs way up. Spectacular range and accuracy and hits like a freight train. Used frequently to take out vehicle suicide bombers (we actually stop a lot of them) and barricaded enemy. It is definitely here to stay.
10) The M24 sniper rifle:
Thumbs up. Mostly in .308 but some in 300 win mag. Heavily modified Remington 700’s. Great performance. Snipers have been used heavily to great effect. Rumor has it a marine sniper on his third tour in Anbar province has actually exceeded (name removed) record for confirmed kills with OVER 100.
11) The new body
armor:
Thumbs up. Relatively light at approx. 6 lbs.and can reliably be expected to soak up small shrapnel and even will stop an AK-47 round. The bad news: Hot as shit to wear, almost unbearable in the summer heat (which averages over 120 degrees). Also, the enemy now goes for head shots whenever possible. All the bullshit about the “old” body armor making our guys vulnerable to the IED’s was a non-starter. The IED explosions are enormous and body armor doesn’t make any difference at all in most cases.
12) Night Vision and Infrared Equipment:
Thumbs way up. Spectacular performance. Our guys see in the dark and own the night, period. Very little enemy action after evening prayers. More and more enemy being whacked at night during movement by our hunter-killer teams. We’ve all seen the videos.
13) Lights:
Thumbs up. Most of the weapon mounted and personal lights
are Surefire’s, and the troops love ‘em. Invaluable for night urban operations. Jordan carried a $34 Surefire G2 on a neck lanyard and loved it. I can’t help but notice that most of the good fighting weapons and ordnance are 50 or more years old!! With all our technology, it’s the WWII and Vietnam era weapons that everybody wants!! The infantry fighting is frequent, up close and brutal. No quarter is given or shown.
Bad guy weapons:
1) Mostly AK47’s. The entire country is an arsenal. Works better in the desert than the M16 and the .308 Russian round kills reliably. PKM belt fed light machine guns are also common and effective. Luckily, the enemy mostly shoots like shit. Undisciplined “spray and pray” type fire. However, they are seeing more and more precision weapons, especially sniper rifles. (Iran, again)
2) The RPG:
Probably the infantry weapon
most feared by our guys. Simple, reliable and as common as dogshit. The enemy responded to our up-armored Humvees by aiming at the windshields, often at point blank range. Still killing a lot of our guys.
3) The IED:
The biggest killer of all. Can be anything from old Soviet anti-armor mines to jury rigged artillery shells. A lot found in Jordan’s area were in abandoned cars. The enemy would take 2 or 3 155 mm artillery shells and wire them together. Most were detonated by cell phone and the explosions are enormous. You’re not safe in any vehicle, even an M1 tank. Driving is by far the most dangerous thing our guys do over there. Lately, they are much more sophisticated “shape charges” (Iranian) specifically designed to penetrate armor. Fact: Most of the readymade IED’s are supplied by Iran, who is also providing terrorists (Hezbollah types) to train the insurgents in
their use and tactics. That’s why the attacks have been so deadly lately. Their concealment methods are ingenious, the latest being shape charges, in Styrofoam containers spray painted to look like the cinderblocks that litter all Iraqi roads. We find about 40% before they detonate, and the bomb disposal guys are unsung heroes of this war.
4) Mortars and rockets:
Very prevalent. The soviet era 122mm rockets (with an 18km range) are becoming more prevalent. One of Jordan’s NCO’s lost a leg to one. These weapons cause a lot of damage “inside the wire”. Jordan’s base was hit almost daily his entire time there by mortar and rocket fire, often at night to disrupt sleep patterns and cause fatigue (It did). More of a psychological weapon than anything else. The enemy mortar teams would jump out of vehicles, fire a few rounds, and then haul ass in a matter of seconds.
Fun fact:
Captured enemy have apparently marveled at the marksmanship of our guys and how hard they fight. They are apparently told in Jihad school that the Americans rely solely on technology, and can be easily beaten in close quarters combat for their lack of toughness. Let’s just say they know better now.
Bad guy technology:
Simple yet effective. Most communication is by cell and satellite phones and also by email on laptops. They use handheld GPS units for navigation and “Google Earth” for overhead views of our positions. Their weapons are good, if not fancy, and prevalent. Their explosives and bomb technology is TOP OF THE LINE. Night vision is rare. They are very careless with their equipment and the captured GPS units and laptops are treasure troves of Intel when
captured.
Who are the bad guys? Most of the carnage is caused by the Zarqawi Al Qaeda group. They operate mostly in Anbar province (Fallujah and Ramadi). These are mostly “foreigners” , non-Iraqi Sunni Arab Jihadists from all over the Muslim world (and Europe). Most enter Iraq through Syria (with, of course, the knowledge and complicity of the Syrian govt.), and then travel down the “rat line” which is the trail of towns along the Euphrates River that we’ve been hitting hard for the last few months.
Some are virtually untrained young Jihadists that often end up as suicide bombers or in various “sacrifice squads”. Most, however, are hard core terrorists from all the usual suspects (Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas etc.). These are the guys running around murdering civilians en masse and cutting heads off.
The Chechens (many of whom are Caucasian) are supposedly the most ruthless and the best fighters. They have been fighting the Russians for years. In the Baghdad area and south, most of the insurgents are Iranian inspired (and led) Iraqi Shiites. The Iranian Shiia have been very adept at infiltrating the Iraqi local govt’s, the police forces and the Army. They have had a massive spy and agitator network there since the Iran-Iraq war in the early 80’s. Most of the Saddam loyalists were killed, captured, or gave up long ago.
Bad Guy Tactics: When they are engaged on an infantry level they get their asses kicked every time! Brave, but stupid. Suicidal Banzai-type charges were very common earlier in the war and still occur. They will literally sacrifice 8-10 man teams in suicide squads by sending them screaming and firing AK’s and RPG’s directly at our bases just to probe the defenses.
They get mowed down like grass every time (see the M2 and M240 above). Jordan’s base was hit like this often.
When engaged, they have a tendency to flee to the same building, probably for what they think will be a glorious last stand. Instead, we call in air and that’s the end of that more often than not. These hole-ups are referred to as Alpha Whiskey Romeo’s (Allah’s Waiting Room). We have the laser guided ground-air thing down to a science. The fast mover’s, mostly Marine F-18’s, are taking an ever increasing toll on the enemy. When caught out in the open, the helicopter gunships and AC-130 Spectre Gunships cut them to ribbons with cannon and rocket fire, especially at night. Interestingly, artillery is hardly used at all.
Fun facts:
The enemy death toll is supposedly between 45-50 thousand. That is why we’re seeing less and less infantry attacks and more IED, suicide bomber shit. The new strategy is just simple: attrition.
The insurgent tactic most frustrating is their use of civilian non-combatants as cover. They know we do all we can to avoid civilian casualties and therefore schools, hospitals and especially Mosques are locations where they meet, stage for attacks, cache weapons, and ammo and flee to when engaged. They have absolutely no regard whatsoever for inflicting civilian casualties. They will terrorize locals and murder without hesitation anyone believed to be sympathetic to the Americans or the new Iraqi govt. Kidnapping of family members, especially children, is common to influence people they are trying to influence but can’t reach, such as local govt. officials, clerics, tribal leaders, etc.
The first things our guys are told is “don’t get captured”. They know that if captured they will be tortured and beheaded on the internet. Zarqawi openly offers bounties for anyone who brings him a live American serviceman. This motivates the criminal element who otherwise don’t give a shit about the war. A lot of the beheading victims were actually kidnapped by common criminals and sold to Zarqawi.
As such, for our guys, every fight is to the death. Surrender is not an option. The Iraqi’s are a mixed bag. Some fight well; others aren’t worth a damn. Most do okay with American support. Finding leaders is hard, but they are getting better.
It is widely viewed that Zarqawi’s use of suicide bombers, en masse, against the civilian population was a serious tactical mistake. Many Iraqi’s were galvanized and the caliber of recruits in the Army and the police forces went right up, along with their motivation. It also led to an exponential increase in good intel because the Iraqi’s are sick of the insurgent attacks against civilians. The Kurds are solidly pro-American and fearless fighters.
Morale:
According to Jordan, morale among our guys is very high. They not only believe that they are winning, but that they are winning decisively. They are stunned and dismayed by what they see in the American press, whom they almost universally view as against them. The embedded reporters are despised and distrusted. They are inflicting casualties at a
rate of 20-1 and then see shit like “Are we losing in Iraq” on TV and the print media.
For the most part, they are satisfied with their equipment, food, and leadership. Bottom line though, and they all say this, is that there are not enough guys there to drive the final stake through the heart of the insurgency, primarily because there aren’t enough troops in-theater to shut down the borders with Iran and Syria. The Iranians and the Syrians just can’t stand the thought of Iraq being an American ally (with, of course, permanent US bases there).
Frank Pickton
RRT Erbil/ DynCorp
HHB 2/3 FA 1-1 AD
FOB Warrior, Iraq
February 25th, 2010 — rants
There is this email going around for the last 5 years or so, that tells you what the signs of a stroke are, or the one that tells you to cough when you are having a heart attack.
Do you get this email everyday?
I do…
It seems like I am the only one that has gotten this email from 150 people already.
Should I be worried, that there are 150 people worried that I am going to have a stroke or a heart attack?
I look at the thread of people that are on the “forward list” and there are like 1 or 2 or maybe 3.
Like I said, thanks for thinking about me when you forward the email, but after 150 times I get it. really.
for any of you healthy people out there who want to know what to look for when my face drops, or I cannot talk or when my arms go numb, and my tongue is swirling, here is what to do.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S *Ask the individual to SMILE.
T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)
(I.e. It is sunny out today.)
R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.
If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.
New Sign of a Stroke ——– Stick out Your Tongue
NOTE: Another ’sign’ of a stroke is this: Ask the person to ’stick’ out his tongue. If the tongue is ‘crooked’, if it goes to one side or the other, that is also an indication of a stroke.
A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to Monty and 10 other people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.
I hope it is mine. I think
February 24th, 2010 — rants
I love MUSIC
I hate CONCERTS
Why?
Long lines. People are too young. The place is full of drunken assholes.Everyone sings all the words to the songs while moving their head side to side. Every song is their favorite song. >shoot me now<
BUT< the number one reason is that no one sits down. They all stand up and waive their arms and dance. You have to stand with them or get trampled, or worse yet look at some fat ass in front of you al night.
I am going to the Black Eyed Peas concert because someone gave me the tickets.
I am having anxiety sweats over it…
Tell me why I am going again? I could be home playing the BEP’s on my 1000 watt “K” speakers. With No butts in my face. I can be sitting down too.
I swear it is the same assholes that stand up the whole game at a football game, or the people that turn around in the pew at church and shake your hand after they just went to the bathroom.
February 24th, 2010 — rants
Yes, lent is stupid. There are enough reasons to stop yourself from doing things you want to do but know you should not.
You have new years resolutions, you have interventions, you have a mirror in your bathroom.
There are plenty of reasons to quit shit, so why do we need lent. There is some kind of religious significance, but like most of these things like not eating meat on Friday, they real reason just gets lost.
Lent is really like a retry.
If you quit something for new years and fail, you just RETRY at lent.
Think about it again. You have to agree that Lent is Stupid.
February 23rd, 2010 — rants
Pregnant Jewish Girl
A 25 year old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them,
“Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account.”
“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.
“However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do. What do you suggest?”
All choked up at this point, the mother, who had remained silent until now, placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,
“So, you’ll try again.”
February 23rd, 2010 — rants
February 22nd, 2010 — rants
February 22nd, 2010 — rants
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”
Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start garg ling with it. Just gargle and gargle.”
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!”
Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps
February 22nd, 2010 — rants
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
> Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
> The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’
> The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a hug and walked on.
> The second woman said, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’
> The man said, ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
>
> The third woman came to him and whispered, ‘Have you ever been f**ked?’
> The fellow’s eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, ‘No.’
> She said, ‘Well you will be when the tide comes in.’
>
> WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT YOU KNOW..
February 20th, 2010 — rants
I have been in San Francisco, so They will be from the City by the Bay
February 20th, 2010 — rants
I am going to start putting a blog together of my last and best song downloads. One’s YOU MUST have in your itunes music file
Those are 5 you can start with.
February 20th, 2010 — rants
Thumbing or hitchhiking is dead.
When i was a kid, I thumbed or hitchhiked everyday that I did not have a car. if I had a car I picked someone up everyday. You could not pass someone if they were hitchhiking. My friend Kurt Bestick got injured in a motorcycle accident and he hitchhiked everyday. i always had to pick him up. No matter where he said he was going, I said i was going right by there and i would drop him off at his destination.
The point here is that if you see someone with their thumb out today, it is just weird and in most cases they are weird and strange. I do not think anybody would pick up anybody thumbing nowadays. Would you?
February 20th, 2010 — rants
I was thinking about this the other day, and you can definitely stereotype sports fans.
I know people hate stereotyping, especially if you are being placed in a category. But IT WORKS with few exceptions.
First of all when you think of stereotypes, you tell me if these are not true.
I could go on and on, but you get the point. Stereo types work. admit it.
So here are how the stereotypes for sports breakdown
So you see I was right. I know I am right, and if you are in one of those categories, you are denying it right now, but you know in your heart I am right.
Raise your right hand and tell me you like tennis and that you do not have gay tendencies. ( John T put your hand down, and your racket)
February 18th, 2010 — rants
I am here in the city by the bay SAN FRANCISCO.
I have searched and searched for a bowl of rice-a-roni and do you think I could find one? no way.
I cannot find Karl malden either.
Some quick thoughts:
I think I will finish this up later after I get back.