If you are a woman PLEASE go to the next POST. DO NOT READ THIS POST.
August 18th, 2014 — Jokes
If you are a woman PLEASE go to the next POST. DO NOT READ THIS POST.
August 7th, 2014 — rants
Idiot Kerry is probably one of the worst secretaries of state. Of course he is obeying
Obummer’s orders which are in support of the radical muslims and terrorists.
Note the explosives attached to the kid. This is hamas way.
August 7th, 2014 — youtubes
This is a cool clip of a four star general who used to play drums for the Ventures.
Walk don’t run
August 5th, 2014 — rants
August 4th, 2014 — youtubes
August 4th, 2014 — rants
This video shows how a few bad apples and ruin it for all. kudos for this woman who has the stones to stand up and tell people the way it is. This is why we profile.
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July 29th, 2014 — Random stuff
has this ever happened to you? I hope not me either.
if it does, here are a few home remedies to avoid this embarrassing moment.
Then again, who is complaining about the static cling on this woman?
I admit it, I cannot catch fish, and when I do, they always snap my line and run away with my bait.
I am tired of it. Here is how to tie a knot on a hook and keep you fish.
July 28th, 2014 — As the Dock Terns
July 28th, 2014 — Ask Monty
I get cards and letters everyday asking me questions. Let me share a few
Why do woman wear those tight stretch pants? I don’t get it. And why on earth would they ever strut around with the word PINK plastered on their butt?
Dazed and confused
Dear Dazed and confused
I see your point, stretch pants are a stretch for me too. I assume that you are not talking about Heidi Klum in stretch pants, but the ubiquitous other 99% of fat woman who wiggle into those walmart black stretchy pants.
There has to be some sort of end to the stretch. I also agree with the PINK thing. If you are fat, why bring attention to it. Some of these woman who wear these things have asses so big that they would be better served selling ad space.
Woman like to stretch the limit in clothing. They also love things wicked tight. A dude could live out of a closet with 4 pairs of khaki pants 3 tee shirts and 3 plaid dress shirts. With a decent washing rotation, that is all you need.
What do you prefer artwork or Photographs.
I ask stupid questions
Dear stupid Questions
let me ask you a question? Do you prefer woman or blow up dolls?
Do you prefer Taco bell or the capital grill
Do you prefer paper or plastic?
stop wasting my time. the answer is photographs.
Do you think the patriots will win the AFC EAST?
Dear Mr Kraft
First of all your name is BOB. who calls them self mister. You wrote in and said hey Monty not hey Mr Monty
You old penny pinching money making creep, you have won the AFC Least the last 10 out of 11 years. The only year you did not, you had Brady down and won 11.
Der! what do you think? Go back and count your money with Jonathan. How about charging less than 200 a ticket and 10 bucks for a water down beer?
Send your questions to Monty @ the third stool over from the tap in front of the KENO screen
July 27th, 2014 — As the Dock Terns
Going to Provincetown the last weekend of July is a Tern Harbor tradition. At least a dozen boats go every year, People from B Dock and D dock account for most of the peeps along with their friends. One year even someone from C dock went. they were immediately banished made to move the next year for fraternizing and having fun. Nothing happens on C dock.
Seas were slight with a one foot chop. We checked in and waited for its a boat time and the Design Oar captianed by the king of Tea dance himself Don Allan.
After a light lunch at Pepe’s so Steve could get his first of three straight Gazpacho’s Steve says that “it is the best in the whole wide world” I will take his word for it”
5:00 was time for our first tea dance. Thursday is Ellen’s favorite. I could tell as she had a blast and the night continued at the Pied Piper before having pizza and stumbling back to the boats.
Friday everybody woke with a lot of anticipation as the b dockers were on their way. On their way but not without some issues. Breakdowns and last-minute repairs were done by Hugh ( the lifesaver), He got everyone going but in the end the Yapper and the snapper had to be towed into Scituate. Hugh grabbed some parts and headed out on his Harley and fixed the Mi Amore. They were the last to arrive, but everyone was walking on eggs waiting for Dean to snap. To his credit and maybe a few prozacs, he was as calm as a cucumber.
Most of the day was spent drinking on the docks and listening to the awesome music of DJ Monty.
Jackie made us all shots, before her and Scotty checked into their hotel room at the Ramrod Inn. if only walls and sheets could talk, I don’t think they would have ever slept a wink.
5:00 brought another afternoon of tea dance. Some people bagged it, but I knew their were some newbies, such as Meatloaf, Sweet Tea, Bianca, Steve and Rico Suave. I had to go just to see the expressions on their faces. I have to say, that Greg and Meatloaf were just a little too comfortable in that environment. Greg Was dancing with the guys ( I think they were dudes) in the wigs, tight pants ( they had a camel toe) and a parasol. There was one funny point when Dean, me and the he/she in the parasol were all in the bathroom together. The one guy has a hold of his business with his left hand and was holding his parasol in the other. Well Dean walks up to the guy, pokes his head down to his lower unit and says “sister” let me hold your parasol, ” it looks like you might need two hands for that thing. I could not stop laughing.
Bw and Connie baled just before closing, because Connie has to eat before seven. We caught up with them in the street and we commandeered the whole upstairs of a restaurant in an alley. The food was very good, but it was loud and chaotic.
I headed back to the boat, because I had to get up in a few hours and head back to a wedding in Springfield ( 7 hour commute with a screaming hangover uggh)
The rest of the dockers headed out to a karaoke bar, where Sean lit up the crowd and Meatloaf did a sonny and cher duo with a transvestite.
I heard every one come back with the last stragglers ( sweet tea and the loaf) at 2:30. They are troopers. I did not see Scott Mckeon I assume he made both shows at the naked men show.
I am going to have to wait for more pictures and more stories from everybody to finish the whole story.
This is all true and with no exaggeration. I am not going to lie to you. Well maybe one small lie. It was me and not Dean holding the parasol.
Make your reservations for next year with Desiree in November.
After her second week on the sweet tea diet Liz is down 9 pounds and no longer wants her arm edited out of the picture of her on my bed. You go girl
alright on my bed was a slight exaggeration, she was leaning on it.
Word out the national recording start and apparent billionaire Bon Jovi is interested in buying the Bills.
If he does, you know that the first thing he will do is get his BFF Bill Belechick to sign on as coach ( Wanted Dead or Alive). These guys are tight and by then the Brady era will be winding down and Bill will be looking for a new challenge.
If this does not make sense, than what does.
Just how much money do you have to have to buy a NFL franchise? It has to be in the mega billions.
July 20th, 2014 — As the Dock Terns
Another story about ” As the Dock Terns”
The weekend before the big P town excursion started on Friday. I swung the boat around in order to wax the port side.
At 4:30 the worker bees started arriving for the weekend.
Dougie alias Charlie Manson and his first Mate Dee headed to Boston with Bob in the Greeglass boat. Coast guard Donnie and the d dockers went to aquapalooza.
Word was that the B dockers were off to try the new kitchen at Wessagussett. Bob and Connie left first stating that they were going to gas up, but we all knew it was because Connie needs to eat before 7 ( an Obrien tradition). The next group headed out 30 minutes later with meatloaf and “Sweet Tea” on their boat I had to wait for Andrea and the captains wife.
What was the hurry? when I got there Bob and Connie still had not eaten and had been waiting 45 minutes. Bob was getting steamed and hot under the collar. Connie less perturbed which we all thought was because she was on her 4th chocolate milk ( wink wink “sombrero”).
Bobs meal came and he had the Pratt 5 special fried fish and french fries with a side of salad that they passed off as cole slaw. The fish was so small you would have thought they breaded a minnow. At least it was food. Bob soured up like a lemon and stormed out.
Donald, steve, Bianca, meatloaf, and sweet tea all ordered apps and entrees. they came out in a staggered order at least the crappy clumpy clam chowder arrived in reasonable time. Steve gave his pregnant wife his to nourish his bride and their new daughter ( Steve those two white dots on the ultrasound are girls hips and not tiny balls sorry dude, start buying pink everything and start saving for the wedding it is a girl). Speaking of Bianca, the word is that her TITS are getting HUGE. I did not notice as I only look woman in the eyes, but I will take everyone’s word on it.
Donald was being cool, as he is nothing less than a legend at Wessagusett where they have named a room after him. Bianca was chilled as usual, BUT Meatloaf was getting hostile. You do not want to deprive this man of his food. food is more important to him than Liz, his boat or even life itself. After a 90 minute wait he finally got his tater skins. The man went through those skins like Sherman through the South. They were gone in a whisper.
So everyone was fed except for the Monty’s who waited for 2 hours and 5 minutes to finally get their tips and burger. I was cool about it till they came out 3 times and said what did you order again?
Saturday was Cohasset day at Bassings beach. The ride their was pretty uneventful except for the light fog when you made the turn for Minot light. The only big excitement was that meatloaf and sweet tea were making their first trip past Hull gut into the Atlantic ocean. seas were flat and meatloaf nestled in behind Slushy.
Five boats went Me , Rico, Slushy’s, Not Wrights, The Meatloafs. Lori hooked us up and we were off to the beach. After ten shuttles in the whaler with wood and provisions, we finally got settled and met up with the foley’s and Knights.
All pretty calm till about 6:00 when DJ Monty took over the music and rocked out the beach for the next six hours. we had a blazing fire and danced till we dropped. We did not hear any complaints but I would guess that there was a few cranky neighbors and boaters in the harbor who did not get any sleep till we shut down at midnight.
Morning broke and found a clogged head on the Naughty Girlz Lisa must have had some serious issues in that head
Rico and I went out for a ride and hit a few hidden rocks before we were swept away by the rapids at little harbor. Meatloaf made us all breakfast sandwiches , but when we got back he had eaten them all. Surprise surprise.
Back at the docks plans were being made for P town and for Nantucket in a few weeks.
I will check in later. I know I missed small details like Bobs attack of Andrea in the water . He chased her like a shark. and Greg’s cigars, Dave falling into the zodiac and the substitute DJ who played every lame dj song ever including, the Macarena, the chicken dance, ymca love shack and even the exhausting electric slide OMG! I have sworn to never play those songs EVER. Oh ya and then there was the incident where Meatloaf ate all the kielbasa.
pictures to follow tomorrow
Bob’s Fish and Chips
No really this was them
Liz has lost the moniker Mrs Meatloaf. It is only fair, as we know that meatloaf’s real wife was a class b porn star ( on second thought, that was Jean simmons wife). She is now known as sweet tea.
She has realized the virtues of the sweet tea diet. If you drink sweet tea and water, it has no carbs, no sugar and only 22 calories ( about the same as a tic tac)
Liz has already lost 7 pounds and has had two hangovers on her first two days of the sweet tea diet. Good Luck!
NEW MOVIE COMING SOON
WHAT WILL THE RATING BE? NOT PG!
July 17th, 2014 — Jokes
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties.
He in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same — she stood there wearing the black lacy panties,
And he was in his birthday suit — but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences”
July 1st, 2014 — As the Dock Terns
2014 has been slow to get started on the docks of tern harbor. The weather has not cooperated for all the boaters.
This season there are a few new boaters and a few MIA. Most notably the greens on D Dock. I miss the green family. They are the nicest people ever, and are really missed. No new faces that have fit in yet. B dock remains much the same with few defections and no new entries to speak of ( other than the return of the 17 Mako the “Wanna B Docker”. On C dock, …. why do we talk about C dock, nothing ever happens on C dock.
Last weekend brought some great weather and some sorties from the docks. Joe and Shari went to Cohasset to horrify the snotty , rich, head stuck up their rich asses from Cohasset peeps. The Hatfields( not one of the aforementioned snobby egotistical millionaires from Cohasset) took a sojourn for 4 days to Boston. They saw Billy Joel at Fenway with the Vikings Berle and Eric ( live free or die) from new Hampshire and the Karma, and then went to the Phantom of the Opera where steve fell asleep.. Dougie and Dee went to Plymouth to take in the museums and historical sites. they left on Sunday after the 9:00 mass. The Monty’s and the Allan’s stayed at the dock with whatever Walsh was not taking their kid out of state to play hockey. We all boarded the boats for the Hingham fireworks. I had my Coast Guard friends, Josh, Kari and Evie. We also went to louies on Saturday night ( Monty’s, Moore’s and Donald) a great take ( try the prime rib)
The Highlight of the weekend was Sunday that turned out to be ” Mens day on the dock” All the wenches from B dock went to a baby shwer, and left a pack of single derilects along with Monty to do what ever they wanted.
We boarded the Knot Wright III and headed to the Winthrop Elks where Dan stiffed the waitress, and Dean cleared the deck with his profanities. With no food we headed to louies. On the way we lost two flags/pendents from the knot wright III.
At Louie’s we all bellied up to the bar and told the bartender that we were all Bob’s kids. There was nary a raised eyebrow from her or any of the other stewed and pickled patrons from the “neck”
Dan ordered the meatloaf and hence has been monickered with the nickname of “meatloaf” forever more. He seems ok with it. Nicknames were also assigned to the Moore’s of the Mi amore. They are now known as the Snapper and the Yapper. Dean is fine with it, but the ever loquacious Pat rice, is a bit perturbed and flummoxed by her new name.
it should be mentioned that the newbie on F Dock Don Allan JR on his birthday and on his maiden voyage upon the 24 Searay ” Nailed it” did exactly that, he nailed the spit off of Grape island and took out his outdrive. bad first voyage for sure. Up in the slings he goes and is at the mercy of Hugh and when he decides to replace the lower end. better luck next time we all hope you make it by paddocks Island on your next cruise.
Speaking of next time, next weekend is the fourth and an armada of vessels from tern will be making the annual pilgrimage into the Charles river. Monty has two guests from England who will be joining us and there will be a reenactment of the Boston tea party. Be nice to them, English people have never seen anything like Tern harbor marina.
By the way if you see Monty congratulate him on passing the coast guard Captains exam last week. The CG should have given him a on the water test. He might have got the multiple choice right, but he has no idea how to drive a boat.
Photo gallery from the weekend.
The MEN at the Winthrop Elks
The MEN at Louies ( don’t get the meatloaf or the Necka)
Speaking of ” Meatloaf”
How to ruin the end of MEN’S day
Mercedes caught the biggest fish on MEN’s day
Oldies but Goodie
Sean & Kris posted this on facebook when they heard of Monty passing the test
June 23rd, 2014 — rants
Last weekend I had the opportunity to visit with my best friend from college in Pennsylvania.
The opportunity was to play golf in a three day member guest. I am now hailing from South shore Country club, and I was playing at west shore Country Club hence the post title.
These three day tournaments are almost strictly a social event with a lot of laughs, a lot of food and a lot of non strenuous golf.
Mission accomplished, as bad I was individually, I never broke the 50 mark for 9 holes, but neither did anybody else in our group of hackers except for my appropriately handicapped partner and
some guy who posed as a 25 handicapper and walked away with the flight, the cash, the shootout and forever will be memorialized on a plaque that bears my name. Sad!
I know a 25 when I see it? Most 25′s never get pars, and spend most of their time sitting in the cart playing gin rummy on their iphone like I did. They are not consistently in the fairway or show soft hands chipping like a pro. They are more likely to dribble shots hit short, be bad putters, or spray it all over the place.
Alright enough said and sorry for the sour grapes. I am sure it is ironic, as the term sandbagger has been whispered about me in the back corner of some locker rooms. My only defense, is that it happens once in a blue moon, I can’t do it when I want in a consistent basis. ( there I go ranting again)
let me get back to what it is all about camaraderie, food, laughs and booze. BINGO! we hit on all facets.
West Shore was a bear with its thick rough and stimped greens that were about a 12. It made 15′s look like 25′s at times and 25′s look like…. ( shit there I go again)
My partner has a great bunch of friends. They are a bit like a secret cult. They have admissions, secret handshakes. rules of order and a pecking order amongst the group. They are one for all and all for one. Great bunch of guys, They did not mention a name but I saw a tattoo on a few that looked like BPOB. Someone told me that it stood for the benevolent order of the Bachinsky’s. It could have just meant bring plenty of balls. That is more likely because I left a few sleeves of pro v 1′s at the course.
Back to the fraternal order, I knew a few Guys mainly Big V.
The BIG V is a class act, and played his heart out only to lose on the final hole of the final showdown. Vinny’s story starts with his partner who I will call “Lenny” his brother in law. What a character. lenny lives everyday like it is his last he laughs harder than anyone, drinks more than anyone, smokes more than anyone and could give a shit less than anyone. We need way more Lenny’s in this world than the stuck up asses that pervade our world.
Lennie is a fisherman and that is quite clear. He talks about fishing like it is sex all the time. I caught him on video talking to Joe Sandry’s wife Tina about it.
he was quite a character for sure.
But the guy my buddy kept talking about and wanted me to meet was this guy mark who calls himself the ” Angry Inch” or that is what I thought he said, but it turns out that it was the ” angry Elf”
The angry elf was neither Angry or an elf. Turns out he is a good shit with a super nice girlfriend, and apparently a real good golfer, I would not know, because ” the Bishop”
Got over served at the Casino, Golf Club and the big cookout at the mag’s. This was all too much for the inch errr the elf and he took a tumble and was relegated to the couch for the rest of the weekend with ice on a twisted ankle. He did not seem to mind, as he was able to chill out and watch horseracing on tv all day. ( Sammy still took a half a point)
Then there was Todd from the caddyshack. I guess Lisa would not let him Play. He does like Booker T and the MG”s though.
Most of all Thanks for Cindy who took care of me. God knows what that woman sees in the big guy. Cindy your house is so quaint, but those cats gave me such an allergy.
Other photo’s for you.
June 23rd, 2014 — Jokes
A guy walks into a bar in Camp Hill Pa
The bartender grins and hollers, “It’s okay boys. He’s one of us.”
June 18th, 2014 — Random stuff
Of all my blogs, The Monty minute was my first and most successful.
But what happens is people try to duplicate success and try other ventures only to fail and never to get that spark again. In retrospect, I should have just stuck to the minute. I had a voice and a following.
So what is up with Monty since I stopped blogging on the minute?
I have tried to keep up with my other unique niche blogs like www.condominiuminsurancereview.com and www.insuranceagent411.com. I have dropped montyslist due to a virus. I have stopped supporting Allan kitchen gallery, finishing touch the dog trainer and a few other websites that I set up but were not getting content from the business owners. I recently started up a website , facebook page and a donation site on indigogo for www.wbsbc.com My friend Joe is the current president of the Weymouth Boys Soccer Boosters Club in Weymouth and I lent a hand to get the club in the social media world. I also dropped my site for the Plymouth agents assoc. and the Flashing tees site. I still think there is a business in flashing tee shirts.
I recently took the courses for certified Program leader in the MGA field. I got my certificate in may. I also was added to the editorial staff of a prestigious magazine. I continue to teach, lecture and act as an industry expert in insurance and condominiums.
I moved to Cohasset and started the website www.discovercohasset.com Another example of an interest with not enough time. Speaking of time, I have spent most of my recent time working in the yard. I am clearing the land and replanting the area with native shade plants like ferns, hosta ( did you know that there are over 2000 varieties of Hosta )? coral bells and hellebores to name a few. I have also spent too much time getting my three boats up and running and looking good. Speaking of boating, next Tuesday, I take my Captains exam in Framingham. I have spent 100′s of hours studying, but I feel very uncomfortable taking this exam. I think it is the toughest exam I will have ever taken. Wish me luck.
Joanne is still the love of my life, and my kids are both doing great. Hope Craig finds a job in his chosen field soon. It is hard for any young person to find that perfect job in the field that you were trained for.
I spent the winter kicking ass in the gym with Brenda. I got in pretty good shape and then I was derailed by an elbow injury and frigging allergies. Allergies suck. They sap your strength.
I have dJ’d a bit lately. Last week I played music for the Weymouth class of 2015 between two smelly dumpsters. The kids were great, I got to play top 40 instead of all 60′s and 70′s. I also DJ’d a grad party, a memorial party and a charity event recently. DJ Monty no charge ” you get what you pay for”
there is so much more, but it does not come to mind at the ( monty) minute.
I think I will post something about sports, or medication for old people, or how to plant hosta. or some reviews on some new restaurants I have visited.
Maybe some reviews of trips. I have been to Chicago, Baltimore, New York and leaving for PA tomorrow. I also have my friends Ian and Julie coming over from England in a few weeks. That is something I am looking forward to.
Do you know that the English call French fries CHIPS? or a wife beater tee a vest?
Signing off, good to catch up.
My birthday is in a couple of days, and when I was on the blog, I noticed that I did a rant 3 years ago on my birthday
Not much has changed, I am still telling people 3 years later that I am 60. Less and less people are telling me I look good for my age. I am thinking about now telling them I am 65 to illicit more complements.
I still have a few rants for the new year and the occasion of my birthday.
I hate list:
Things I love:
#1 Joanne- let’s stop here, my list is complete