Birthday Rant

monty birthday


My birthday is in a couple of days, and when I was on the blog, I noticed that I did a rant 3 years ago on my birthday

Birthday Rant 2011


Not much has changed, I am still telling people 3 years later that I am 60. Less and less people are telling me I look good for my age. I am thinking about now telling them I am 65 to illicit more complements.

I still have a few rants for the new year and the occasion of my birthday.


I hate list:

  1. I hate getting stuff for free on line, then finding out that if I want my free stuff, I just have to give them my credit card and no charges will appear on my bill, ( here it is) as long as I cancel within 30 days. I have CRS, I  ( can’t remember shit) No way I will ever remember to cancel the subscription. Forget free porn who needs it anyway. OOOPS!
  2. I hate when CVS or Sears or Stop and Shop hits me up for a buck at the register for THEIR charity. The ceo of the big conglomerate takes our money and holds up this huge check, and taking credit for donating the money.
  3. I hate potholes and low profile tires.
  4. I hate Obama ( this is a repeating rant) I mean Michelle Obama. The dude is just OK.
  5. I hate how fonts keep getting smaller, or is that me.
  6. I hate that I have nothing to do all winter, and never ever get invited any where then the day my boat goes in the water and I have a purpose in life, I get 100 invitations to go places. Where were you in the winter when I was on the couch
  7. I hate top 40 music. I only like it when it is at least 5 years old, and then it is awesome.
  8. I hate diets
  9. I hate constant contact emails that wish me a happy holiday. I hate the saying it is what it is.
  10. I love Dusty Springfield music   OMG! I hate getting old.
  11. I hate that I cant remember peoples names, but everybody I meet looks like somebody else I know.
  12. I hate that if you want money when you retire, you have to have no life till then, and if you have a fun life, then you have no money to retire.
  13. I hate long winters
  14. In truth, I don’t hate anything or anybody, I am just ranting and writing down random thoughts as they bpop into my head.

Things I love:


#1   Joanne- let’s stop here, my list is complete


Monty Minute is BACK

I loved doing the minute. It gave me a chance to air my views and pet peeves and was an outlet for jokes, porn and rants, and anything else that was inappropriate in today’s world.

I let it go for a while when I was doing websites for friends and some of my other more business related websites.


I am going to make it a goal to write more stuff on a more consistent basis.

keep an eye out for more from Monty.

Patriots 2013 season wrapup

coming off a disappointing AFC game against the Ravens, I expected the Pats to make a serious run.

It started with a lackluster draft where we seemed to draft half the graduating class from Rutgers. Seriously Bill, I know your son went to Rutgers AKA the university of New Jersey but do we have to draft every damn kid that gets out of there. I wish your kid went to Alabama instead.

The Hernandez shoots up some gang rivals and  screws everything up from the team to the salary cap. ( stupid bastard)

Then we get more aged lame free agents.

despite this, I think we can survive, because we had the makings of a good defensive team. So we start with a depleted offense, full of rookies and undrafted free agents.

Then the key star marquee defensive players start falling like bowling pins.

The offense finally got their stuff together  using the run and the play action pass.

But, what do we do when we get to Denver, we abandon what got us there and we rely on Brady’s arm and feet ( OMG).

Let’s face it Brady cannot throw a pass more than 15 yards accurately anymore.

BTW. Manning is better than Tom. I love Tom too but Manning is better.

Belechick ( who is the best coach ever) who is the most stubborn guy that is always right over thought the whole game plan and they got their ass kissed.

Maybe next year they will keep their drat picks that they have. Let a pro draft and not Belichick get a big deep receiver and then get some veteran free agents and go for it before this window closes.

I was sick to my stomach watching that fiasco AND TURNED IT OFF IN THE THIRD QUARTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 30 YEARS.



It has been awhile since I posted the Ask Monty column.

The cards and letters come in everyday.

These are some of the FAQ’s and questions that have been submitted. I will do my best to answer them as honestly as I can?

Dear Monty:

How long have you been doing the Monty Minute


5 years now. Check the archives for my best stuff in 2008. I was younger and fresher then and had lots of shit to get off my chest

Dear Monty:

Why don’t you post much anymore?


this is the most asked question. I am not out of fresh ideas, I am just so busy with life and work. I also have 5 other blogs I support, and service and maintain a dozen websites. So I guess i just spread my self too thin. My goal in 2013 is to do more new and creative stuff.

Dear Monty:

How many people have read your blog? What is the most searched terms?


I have had over half a million readers. The most searched terms are big balls and fat woman, and anything with xxx in it. If you know anything about SEO, this should not surprise you. The vs. blogs get traction too, like ginger vs Maryann, I dream of genie vs bewitched, boots vs suits, Heidi vs Giselle etc.

Dear monty:

No question, but I just wanted to say that you are a fat, old sweaty mouth breather that is a fraud and you suck.


Fuck you asshole! I know who you are and I will stalk you till you are scared and piss in your pants.

Dear Monty:

Are these questions real?


of course not, I make them up just like all the other shit on this blog. Don’t take me or life that serious, just have some fun.

Dear Monty:

What do you think of Obama, the New York Jets and Sandusky?


They all suck!

Dear Monty:

What bis the secret to life?


Work really hard, Have as much fun as possible, laugh everyday, and laugh at yourself. Then find a wife, husband partner, girlfriend boyfriend that you care about, and give them all you have and expect half of that in return. Thanks JOJO for the best years of my life. I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

Failing having this person, get a dog, or love the one your with…

Dear Monty:

What’s up for next year?


More of the same. I am moving forward. I am going to finish the book I am writing, I am going to try to organize my work with my favorite charity, and organize a golf tournament for my good guy’s group. I am going to teach more, and hopefully make some money. 2012 was a lean year. I think I am going to listen to my daughter and try to use better grammer and spell check more. I read my blogs and I think a 7 year old wrote them, or a high school drop out, and not a card carrying member of the mensa club that I am.

Keep those questions coming?

Who will win the super Bowl? Patriots, unless the Giants are in it too.

What is your favorite number? 4, 11, 16, 18, 22 & 36  Play these in Keno and go broke in a week.

What is your favorite color? Blue.

boxers or briefs? Boxers

Who is the hottest actress?  Gwyneth Paltrow.

Democrat or republican? I work and pay taxes. DER!!

Who’s the Best?    YOU ARE!!!




Christmas Lights

I love Christmas lights. They remind


me of the people who voted for


They all hang together; half of the


little bastards don’t work; and the


ones that do, aren’t that bright!

Patriots need more Pepper Spray

Team Brandon is on a roll, I cannot find much fault in the team at all.

  1. Brady is clicking
  2. The o-line is surviving
  3. Ridley is one of the 5 best backs in the NFL
  4. Hernandez is back
  5. Talib has solidified a porous backfield
  6. They are hitting hard.
  7. Wilfolk is a beast
  8. Spikes is smashing the line
  9. Welker is Welker
  10. They even got a sack

With all this said, it appears that now that we have some defense in the backfield, it is time to do some more blitzing. I know it is a four letter word in Foxboro, but I think they can do it. I came up with the term ” Pepper Spray” a little play on words relating to Pepper Johnson’s front seven and their ability to spray the offensive line with their blitzes.

All in all, it is nice to see the secondary healthy. In the past, we sucked because we were held together back their with duct tape and glue. Now we have healthy scratches and guys fighting for time.

Denard looks real good. Thank God he punched a cop or whatever he did. He slipped to the end of the draft when he should have been a first or second round pick. Tevon Wilson, who BB should have taken in the 6th round instead of the 2nd, is showing that he is a real 6th round pick, and another BB 2nd round reach.

McCourty is working out better at safety, but he is just OK, and by the way BB he sucks as a return man. BB takes 5 players a year, just on their ability to play special teams, so with that in mind, you have to have someone better than McCourty.

let’s see what Miami brings.


By the way, I picked 14 out of 15 right this week against the spread, after tonight, it will be 15 out of 16. that has to be a record.

The odds of picking all 16 games right, is 1 in 65, 653.

So if anybody wants to retire, I am available to give you my picks.

DET 31
WAS 38
DAL 31
NE 49
NYJ 19
OAK 10
CIN 34
ATL 24
TB 23
PIT 14
CLE 20
TEN 19
JAC 24
SEA 21
MIA 24
BUF 13
IND 20
MIN 10
CHI 28
DEN 17
KC 9
BAL 16
SD 13
STL 31
ARI 17
SF 31
NO 21
GB 10
NYG 38
Pts Ytd
Final Final Final Final Final Final Final Final Final Final Final Final Final Final Final 11/26

why does the Patriots secondary SUCK?

One answer…


COACHING- the coaching sucks. These guys are caught out of position constantly. They never turn around and generally are toasted on almost every play.

It cannot be skill level, as almost every guy out there is a first or second round draft pick.

Who is the backs coach?

Of course the control freak Belicheck controls all, but here is the bio for the two backfield coaches.


Brian Flores is enjoying his first season as safeties coach and his fifth coaching season in 2012. Flores spent the 2011 season as a defensive assistant and 2010 as an offensive assistant/special teams coach. Flores joined the Patriots coaching staff as a coaching assistant in 2008 after four seasons with the Patriots personnel department. He joined the organization in 2004 as a scouting assistant and was assigned pro scouting duties prior to the 2006 season.

Flores joined the Patriots upon his graduation from Boston College, where he was a three-year letter winner and a two-year starter at linebacker. He was a part of four bowl-winning teams with the Eagles and was a member of the 2003 Big East All-Academic Team.

A native of Brooklyn, N.Y., Flores attended Poly Prep in Brooklyn, where he was a running back and linebacker. He holds a bachelors degree in English and a master’s degree in administrative studies from Boston College.

Flores and his wife Jennifer, a Spanish teacher at North Attleboro Middle School School, were married in 2009. He was born Feb. 24, 1981 in Brooklyn, N.Y.

That is right. First year doing this, and no experience ever coaching any where else. Typical brainiac type that BB likes.
Josh Boyer is in his first season as cornerbacks coach on Head Coach Bill Belichick’s staff after three seasons as defensive backs coach. Boyer joined the Patriots as a coaching assistant in 2006, serving in that role for three seasons.

In 2011, Boyer coached a defensive backfield that helped the Patriots lead the AFC in turnover differential (+17), was tied for third in the NFL in total take-aways (34) and tied for second in the NFL in interceptions (23).

Under his guidance in 2011, Kyle Arrington tied for the NFL lead with seven interceptions. The 2011 season was the second consecutive years Patriots defensive back finished in the top two in the NFL in interceptions.

Boyer began his coaching career in 2000 as an assistant coach at King’s College (Pa.). He served as a graduate assistant at the University of Dayton (2001) and Kent State (2002-2003) before becoming defensive backs coach at Bryant University in 2004. In 2005, he served as defensive coordinator for the South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.

Boyer was a four-year starter at Muskingum College (Ohio) from 1996-99, playing wide receiver for three years before switching to defensive back as a senior. He was named All- Ohio Athletic Conference as a senior defensive back in 1999.

Same deal.  No one but BB would hire these guys. He loves a good Rhode Scholar.
Is it any wonder that our secondary stinks. Don’t ya think that there is maybe one or two seasoned guys that have successfully coached in college or the pros?
Where does he find these guys.
Romeo Crennel where for art tho?

What is wrong with Team Brandon?

First off, what is team Brandon?

Team Brandon is your New England Patriots.

Belechicks new drafting strategy is to draft anyone named Brandon. It seems that the strategy of drafting the best white player available, or anybody from Florida, or anyone that can multi task and play 6 positions, or anyone that no one would draft in that position or trading everything to draft the whole second round and pick up a bunch of duds.  ( second round busts)

WHY NOT, try drafting all Brandons. One tenth of the team is named Brandon, or would be if we kept Brandon Merriwether.

  1. Brandon Loyd
  2. Brandon Deadrick
  3. Brandon Bolden
  4. Brandon Spikes
  5. Brandon McGowan
  6. Brandon Merriwether ( if he wasn’t a punk he would still be here)

Ok there are a few Rob’s, but no other name stands out. Do you know a Brandon? This is no anomaly, it is a science and a new drafting strategy.

Ok here is the skinny on what is wrong with the 2012 New England Patriots. They are 4-3. Not bad, but they should be better.

I boil it down to one problem, the coach.

Blasphemony right. I did say the coach. The winningest coach ever, who has won and won. YES the COACH is to blame.

“Know what you don’t know”

If the best coach ever could just get this concept, this team would never ever lose.

The coach is a control freak! This is the problem.

He is stubborn. He controls everybody, the media, the players, the owner, the fans, he has complete and total control of what people say and what they do, and no one can have an opinion otherwise.

He controls the draft, the free agents, and who parks cars in the parking lot. It is crazy.

He is the best coach. The reason he wins, is that the crappy players he picks, he can coach up. Name me a player here that left and was any good, or better. He drafts crap and gets the most out of them, and when they leave, they suck ( everyone can come up with an exception, but for the most part they suck)

He keeps whiffing on retreads, like ocho, Gafney, Hanesworth Ellis, Gallery, Fannane…… on and on and on. He gets like 12 retreads every year that suck. Do you know that we are paying fannanee like over $4,000,000 as a signing bonus for a guy they cut before even a practice. And then he squeezes Waters.

Bills second rounders have been brutal. He does fine in the first round, so stay there and trade the seconds. Why Tavon Wilson in the second round this year. There was a 100% agreement that he would not have ever gone before the 6th round. That is stubborn Bill for you, he is smarter than everyone else.

How about his coaches. They are all these super smart geek types from ivy league institutions without much football experience. No seasoned coaches for Bill.

He should fire the defensive backfield coach TODAY>>>>

So this is a short synopsis on what ails the Pats right now.

They put in an offense that features the screen pass. we saw it over and over in the pre season. And now they never throw one.

Also, one more thing. Ridley is awesome, and he is killing it. Why do you start Woodhead, or Vereen and sit Ridley? HMMM

Why because Bill is stubborn and he will prove it to everybody, and he is in control. A complete and total control freak.

For Christs sake Bill  ” Know what you don’t know”

This team could be so much better.

If that defense that is made up of all first and second rounders cannot stop a pass, HMMM! whose fault is it?

One, it is Bill for poor drafting in those rounds, or two, It is Bill for not coaching these high draft picks.

What say you? Do you agree? I know this is out on a limb, and out of the box thinking, but I am right I think.

I wonder who is coming out in the draft named Brandon next year? I know we will get him for sure.

Brandon Good Luck in London Boys!  If you are a fantasy player, load up on the St Louis QB. If the Pats can make all pro’s out of Ryan Williams, Kevin Kolb and Mark Sanchez, imagine what a good QB can do against the swiss cheese secondary.


LED Tee Shirts in Boston

I found these really cool LED TEE Shirts that these guys were selling in Boston.

Their website is:

They want people to flash their tees all over Boston


Who will win the election?

It is simple really. There is more of them than us.

Here is the difference between who will vote for Obama and who will vote for Romney

Brilliant analogy from a lawyer friend of mine
“So, if someone asks you what the main difference is between most of the Obama supporters, and Romney supporters, instead of stammering, and stuttering, and looking for an answer, just tell them that the Romney supporters sign their checks on the front, and the Obama supporters sign their checks on the back.”

His Bitch

Teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow

Lil’ Johnny: “I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive
clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million
bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to
travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her
three times a day”.

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad
behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said
and then continues the lesson:
And you, Tanya?

“I wanna be Lil’ Johnny’s bitch!”

talking parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing’
‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.
They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment…..
‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying… That phrase… In no time.’
‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house…. As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
There was stunned silence…
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

‘Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

Last song in your head

You know what I am talking about.

That last song! The last one you heard.
That song before you get out of the car, or the song in the elevator, or the last song of the night in the club.

You get to work, and you shut off the car along with the radio, but the song keeps going in your head and you can’t get it out.

What is worse, is it is always the worst damn song ever. Some catchy beat or worse.
something like “sweet caroline”
Bridge over troubled waters”
Good Feeling’

Or maybe it is a commercial like Kars for kids or 1-800- 54 GIANT

You are cursed for hours.

Admit it, it happens to you too….

How Obama caught Bin Laden

Now you know the real story…

The real story as it came down…..Now you know!

Massage Parlor Quincy ma


what exactly happens when you dial 555-5555?


I see 555-5555 all the time on the tv and ad drafts. What happens when you dial that number. If that is someone’s home number, they must be pissed.

Hi this is Jim.  ” Oh I am sorry I must have the wrong number, is this 555-5555?

” Yes it is”

Two Dwarfs in a Bar

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ‘ working girls ‘ and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, “Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE …. UGH! ” ” Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE…. UGH!” “Here I come again! ONE , TWO, THREE … UGH!” This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, ” How did it go? ”

The first mutters, ” It was embarrassing. I just couldn’t get an erection. ”

The second dwarf shook his head. ” You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t get on the bed. “

Olympic Water Polo Porn

Shopping for a Spouse

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door

Floor 1- These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but
continues to the second floor, where the sign

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels
compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor
and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’
she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at
the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner
opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors
have never been

Cougar in a tree

cougar in tree