Entries from January 2008 ↓

I am off to vegas with Monty Jr. we are going to spend a couple of days in Vegas and then head south for the Big Game on Sunday.

Check here for a diary of the trip. The names might have to be changed to protect the innocent.

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. 

 Sam asks “How will I recognize him?” 

That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

“A female horth.”

So he shows him a prized filly.

“Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?

Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth”?

 So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

“Nith earzth, can I see her mouf”?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he pickshim up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nice mouf, can I see her twat”?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and

 rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing….

“Perhapth I should rephrase that…

 Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?”

HA HAAHAA HAAAA 

Wine or Water….. To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don’t.

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,

in beer there is freedom,

in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid,

than to drink water and be full of shit.

super-bowl-pool.xls

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Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day a nasty, old wolf appeared at the home of the straw pig and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!” And he did!

The straw pig ran in haste to the home of the stick pig and said, “Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.” The stick pick let him in immediately.

Shortly thereafter, the wolf arrived at the home of the stick pig, pounded on the door and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!” Of course, he did!

Barely escaping out the back door, the two pigs fled to the home of the brick pig, knocked on his door in desperation and screamed, “Please let us in, a big, bad wolf has just destroyed our homes!” The brick pig let them in immediately.

The wolf, hot on the trail of the fleeing and frightened pigs, arrived quickly at the home of the brick pig and began pounding on his door. “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!” The straw pig and the stick pig were shaking in fear but the brick pig calmly picked up the phone and made one call.

Within minutes, a large black Caddy pulled up. Two massive pigs in pin-striped suits and fedora hats stepped out, grabbed the wolf by the neck, beat the living shit out of him, stuck a gun in his mouth, pulled the trigger (killing him instantly), tied his feet to cement blocks and tossed his sorry ass into the creek. They then climbed back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig, thrilled and shocked to the core asked, “Who the hell were those guys?!”

Those were my cousins…the Guinea Pigs.

You know what pisses me off about gas? The Price? NO! the fact that it is controlled by a bunch of fanatic middle easterners? NO! Maybe that we have all that we need in the ground in Alaska, but refuse to get out, because we would disturb a few Eskimo’s and Caribou. NO!

What really PISSES ME OFF, is when I pull into the gas station, I cannot remember what side of the car the gas cap is on. I go left and it is right. I go right and it is left. My last car was right and this one is left. My wife’s car is right. I think.

Remember the old days when the cap was in the middle? Behind the plate, or behind a light. Did it really matter? No. Why! Because the hose reached either side. Who shortened the friggin hose? What was that all about? If you do go on the other side, you cannot reach the cap. For Christ sakes!!!

How about this. You borrow or rent a car, and you need gas. OK no problem right. WRONG. You are in position with the cap on the right side (50/50 guess). OK where is the lever or button that unlocks the door for the gas? Under the seat? Under the wheel? Under the armrest? Who the hell knows? If someone is pumping ( another whole rant), they are pissed off and start offering suggestions, or asking if this is really your car. DER!

Life was easier when I could remember stuff.

In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough Black and
Hispanic people appearing on TV, the FOX Network has decided that in the
future “America’s Most Wanted” will be shown “TWICE” weekly.

I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life, is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

  Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. 

   
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain, Good! 

   
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

  
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

 A:   If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 

 

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

 

 ”Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride”

AND…..For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION 

Eat and drink what you like.  

 

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

‘Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole !!!!!

Perfection or imperfection?

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How good was this guy this year. Randy doubled teamed no problem,

see Wes Welker……….

super-bowl-pool.xlsI go crazy every year with the squares. I have so many numbers, that I win no matter what the number is. The only thing that matters is how much that square pays. I have like 2 250′s 5 100′s a ton of 50′s. I do not even bother with 10′s or 20′s.

Problem is that my numbers always suck. Ever wonder what the good numbers are?

!st Quarter
0 – hit 31 times, or 44 %
7 – 18 , 26%
3 – 15, 21%
4 – 5, 7%
6 – 1, 1%
1,2,5,8, and 9 have never appeared.

2nd Quarter
0 – 23, 33%
3 – 13, 19%
7 – 11, 16%
6 – 7, 10%
4 – 6,9%
8 – 3, 4%
1,2, and 9 have hit twice, or 3%
5 – 1, 1%

3rd Quarter
0 – 15, 21%
7 – 15, 21%
3 – 9, 13%
6 – 8, 11%
4 – 6, 9%
1 – 5, 7%
9 – 4, 6%
5, 8 have hit 3 times, or 4%
2 hit twice, or 3%

4th Quarter
7 – 14, 20%
0 – 10, 14%
6 – 10, 14%
4 – 9, 13%
1,3,9 hit 6 times, or 9%
5 – 4, 6%
2 – 3, 5%
8 – 2, 4%

so, you really want to get 0-0 or 7-3 or 0-7 . if you get like 2-1 or 2-2 0r 5-4 just hang yourself you are toast.

Monty

Yes that is me in the # 96 Jersey doing a keg stand. I went 16 seconds. My new record!!!

Look at the strain on the faces of the guys trying to hold me up.

We are watching history and greatness..

This may not be the best team ever, but, they are sure acting like it.

Monty

My buddy just got to my house . Don drove up this morning with his son Trevor for the AFC Championship game tommorow. Don thinks that we will win by a score of Pats 31 Diego 17

Trevor say” Pats 31 Diego 14 he says hi to his MOM back in pennsylvania. Hi Cindy from me too.

I say Pats 28 Diego 24

Moe says” Pats 32 Diego 17

Craig says Pats 38 Diego 27

Andrea says Tom Brady is cute…..

Monty

>
>
>
> Dear Walter:
> I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
> leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t
> gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and
> the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s
> help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the
> bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am
> 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When
> I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having
> an affair for the past six months.
> I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job
> six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
> depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave
> him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I
> can get through to him anymore.
> Can you please help?
> Sincerely,
> Mrs. Sheila Usk
>

> Dear Sheila:
> A car stalling a fter being driven a short distance can be caused by
> a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is
> no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
> holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
> approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself
> is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float
> chamber.
> I hope this helps.
> Walter

Patriot girls

Charger Girls

Green Bay girls or Giants Girls . No spread on these pix

We should have known, The Giant girls were hotter. Now who is going to beat Gisele?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks
his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there’s three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women’s breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In
her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions.’ ‘Onions?’ ‘Yes, you see them and
they make
you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how
many kinds of willies’ are there?’ The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases – each like a
different
type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and
hard. In
his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.’ ‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.