Entries from April 2008 ↓

This could be the first time in a long time i could not pull the lever for any of them.

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas…..

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

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Finally some one cleared this up for me

For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot on their forehead,

Most of us naively thought this was tradition or religion.

The true story is it’s a scratch off once the women marries her husband scratches it off to reveal if he won a gas station, 7-11, donut shop or hotel if its blank underneath then they have to answer the computer support line.

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The correct way to pronounce ” Oklahoma “

All these years I was wrong…

The Proper Way is: ‘ Okla . . Homa’
(There’s a pause between the ‘a’ and the ‘h’.)

I can prove it. .

I heard a guy speak today about sales, but what really fascinated me was what he had to say about birth order. He pointed out that you can tell a lot about people by where they are in the birth chain. you know oldest middle child and youngest. I am going to have more on this later when i do some more research.

For now, take this test and see if they can predict where you are. I was honest and they were dead on.

Take the test CLICK HERE.

If you are interested in sales, read this short article.

http://www.ecademy.com/node.php?id=57615

Last week on vacation, we took one of those excursions. It was way more than I had planned on. My wife was a wimp and made me take the video, while she held on to my belt. The picture might be a little shaky in parts. I am glad to be on solid ground.

click here for video 

April 15th

I signed on the dotted line yesterday. I have to pay even more.

uggh!!

We have a tax base that is lower than anytime I can remember.

( just wait till Hillary or Obama get in, you can just turn your pockets inside out) BUT, I am still paying way more than my fair share. They are supposedly sending extra money back to needy people. I am not one of them I guess.

I need!!! I need a bigger boat, another vacation, more meals out. hell i need more ( any/some) money in the bank.

Oh well They say that there is only two things that you can count on Death and Taxes. Given a choice I will pay the taxes.

Starting tomorrow all the CPA’S can join all the retired verizon workers and retired teachers on the golf course while I work to pay my taxes.

Tax his land,

Tax his wage,

Tax his bed in which he lays.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirts,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he tries to think.

Tax his booze,

Tax his beers,

If he cries,

Tax his tears.

Tax his bills,

Tax his gas,

Tax his notes,

Tax his cash.

Tax him good and let him know

That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers,

Tax him more,

Tax him until he’s good and sore.

Tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,

‘Taxes drove me to my doom!’

And when he’s gone,

We won’t relax,

We’ll still be after the Inheritance TAX!!

Accounts Receivable
Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Permit Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),

Liquor Tax,

Luxury Tax,

Marriage License Tax,

Medicare Tax,

Property Tax,

Real Estate Tax,

Service Charge Taxes,

Social Security Tax,

Road Usage Tax (Truckers),

Sales Taxes,

Recreational Vehicle Tax,

School Tax,

State Income Tax,

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),

Telephone Federal Excise Tax,

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,

Telephone State and Local Tax,

Telephone Usage Charge Tax,

Utility Tax,

Vehicle License Registration Tax,

Vehicle Sales Tax,

Watercraft Registration Tax,

Well Permit Tax,

Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,

and our nation was the most prosperous in the
world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in
the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened? Can you spell politicians?

1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON

WHY YOU ASK?

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN’T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND.

4. BILL CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

Vacation friends. We all know them, those are the people that you meet on vacation and have a great time all week. I have met lots of them. I am still friendly with a few. You kind of hook up on a booze cruise or a a dinner, or poolside. You know when you meet them that you will have a good time. In St Kitts we met the Tuckers. They were great. We had lots of laughs and drank our asses off together. They are from the Maryland area. Tim sells condoms for a living, and Adriana designs costumes for high end strippers. haha not really. Nothing that glamorous.
I hope we stay in touch, they made a good vacation great.
I am still waiting to hear back from the Cox’s from England. We met them on a cruise, and we have lost touch.

“No dar papaya!”

A word about dribble.

What a waste! Everything that dribbles is a waste, not to mention irritating.

You know the dribble that comes from the gas hose after you fill up? You shake it and hold it in the neck, and when you take it out, it still dribbles. It runs down the side of your car. At $3.50 per gallon, this country alone probably loses a million gallons a day in dribble. Think about it, I may have just solved the energy crisis. We need to control dribble.

And another thing, just like the gas pump, guys dribble once in awhile. You can shake it all you want, but sometimes dribble happens. It sucks when you have khacki pants on too. You think you got it all and whoop there it is! A dribble spot.

Do you know what else dribbles? Soup, and coffee dribble, or you dribble when you drink them. Those white sippie covers on the top of your togo coffee, are nothing but dribble makers.
Then how about when you have a drink and you take a sip and the condensation from the glass dribbles on your shirt. I know it sucks! I live with dribble every day.

We need to ban dribbling in this country, it is getting out of hand.

Monty

Massachusetts auto reform.

What is it really about?

To be honest, it is long over due, but it really is all about nothing. Because for the last five years, the state has been setting the rates and they have been coming down fast. Last year alone, we had a double digit reduction. The state and the insurance companies finally reeled in all the fraud and got a handle on the blood sucking attorneys that were piliging the system. Rates are now under control.

So why do I say that it is all about nothing, Because everybody is in this thing together. Basically they all came down about the same amount. There was no rabbit company that jumped out in front and blew people away, They all came down in price about the same, and they all added some value added discounts and coverage. So the difference really is not about price but about what they have to offer.

It appears to me that if you are looking for savings, you need to look at bundling your your homeowners and auto together. That is where the real money savings is.

The state also has to do a better job of spanking the bad driver. These knuckle heads, are still driving reckless and hitting everything but the lottery. With only a 10% cap on what bad drivers pay, what deterrent is that?

I told someone the other day, that this new system is like getting a mortgage. There are rules for each company, and they all have a little bit different gimmick, but in the long run, they are all priced about the same and they are all about the same in what they do, so what do you do about getting a mortgage, you get it from someone you know or trust. It should be the same with your home and auto insurance. Go to the person you trust, and the person you know, in the long run you will be better off than running around chasing a rate.

In 2009 when the geko from geico invades our world, it will be a little more of the same, they will be cheaper, and the regular companies will come down a little more, and the second phase of the battle will begin.

People who were not being satisfied by their company or agent will move to Geico , and people who have reached the age of reason will stay with their trusted agent.

Monty

Finding a Chinese Jew

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”

“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”

“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.”

“Are you sure?” Al asked.

“I will check again, sir,” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”

When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”

“Are you really sure?” Al asked again.

“I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”

“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.”

I am off to Saint Kitts tommorow, unless I have internet service in the hotel, I might not be posting for a week.

Monty

I love Chinese food, who doesn’t?
My love for Chinese food started in my youth, when my parents would take us to the Aloha in Hingham. If my memory serves me correctly, It used to called the Euroasia. I Have not been to them all, so if you have a favorite, please send them in on the comments section.

IMPERIAL GARDEN- Hanover Ma

This is my favorite hang. We actually call it Dave’s named after the owner Dave. A short guy with a big smile. All nice people. We went there with the kids and about 15 other people every Friday night for probably 10 years. We got away from that, but it was a lot of fun. If you go in, ask for Leo he is always nice and helpful.

Cathay hanover- they closed it GOOD it was awful.

China Plaza- Rockland better since it burned down and they rebuilt it.

Bejing House-Norwell, good clean, great lunch buffet. See Jay at the bar. A super nice guy.

Mings Dynasty-Marshfield, ok nothing special

Kowloon-Saugus, Ok if you want to eat with 3000 other people. I do not see what people like about it.

Chinatown Boston, be careful here. authentic does not mean good. If you know what you are doing fine otherwise stay suburban.

I will add more later.

A few random thoughts:

WHY DO JEWS LIKE CHINESE FOOD SO MUCH
WHY ARE THERE NO WINDOWS IN A CHINESE RESTAUANT
WHY CALL IT A POO POO PLATTER? POO POO MEANS CRAP RIGHT?
DO YOU THINK THEY DUMP THE TEA OUT THAT YOU DO NOT DRINK, OR PUT IT BACK IN THE BIG VAT?
HOW MANY WAITERS CAN YOU GET IN A VAN?

HERE IS A LIST OF MY FAVORITE INDIAN RESTAURANTS

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.THATS RIGHT NONE. CURRY SUCKS!!!! WHO EATS THAT SHIT?

Happy April Fools Day!  I would like to tell you some hokey story and then say April fools,but I am way too mature for that. 

Where are we going here?Is there really a choice? These were the hot hot TV stars of the 70′s. They had magical tricks up their sleeves and they drove the men in their life’s crazy. I ask because on the past polls, most people took the girl next door instead of what people would think is the hot chick. Do you have a thing for Elizabeth Montgomery. If she twitched her nose and blinked you into her world, would that be cool? I think I would rather have Jeannie give me the NOD>>>Give us your vote on this….                                           

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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to himand, while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he hadsex “What’s sex?” he asked. She explained to him what sex was. Tarzansaid “Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.” Horrified, she said, “Tarzan,you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.” Shetook off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legswide. Here” she said, “you can put it in here.” Tarzan removed hisloin cloth, stepped closer and then gave Jane a horrific kick in thecrotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,”What the hell did you do that for?”"Tarzan not stupid first check for bees.”