Entries from May 2008 ↓

Everyone who knows you have a boat always asks about the price of gas.

Sure it is expensive, at top speed the boat burns 30 gallons an hour ( $4.25 per gallon) but normally about 15-20 gallons an hour.

A trip to Boston and back takes about 2 hours

Gas is not the problem.

Summer storage $5500

winter storage     $2500

Maintenance to commission the boat $2000

Insurance            $1700

Equipment          $2000

Last weekend we spent 2 nights at yacht haven in Boston and one night on the dock:

Yacht Haven  $350

Friday dinner(2) $ 190

Saturday Dinner(2) $210

Stop & Shop Friday  $ 280

Liquor store   $100

ice

$20

another trip to stop $ Shop  $85

W.A.M. ( walk around money) $250

Do you see where I am going? Who cares what gas costs. I am already bent over. What is a little gas?

If you are out and about this summer look me up on “D” Dock for a barbecue and a Harbor tour. I am always ready to go.

Monty

I hate the new workers at Dunkin Donuts. They suck. They are fucking rude and not helpful, they fuck up my order and they cannot speak English. I think most of them are brazilian, but who ever you are, get the fuck out of our country, or at least stay the hell out of Dunkin friggin Donuts.

At my age, there is not much that turns me on, but one thing that still gets me going is my cup of dunkin donuts. I like mine medium cream with NO SUGAR!@!!!

No Sugar in Portuguese must mean dump the friggin bowl in it.

Seriously what happened to the stupid pimple faced high school kid that used to work the window? I want them back.

Now you need a translation book to get a cup of coffee.

I am a insane tipper, but if you find me tipping one of these green card wannabees again, kick me in the ASS!!!

They can mow my lawn, do my taxes, sell me insurance, bundle my grocery’s, make up my hotel room, But keep them away from my DAMN coffee. Is nothing sacred anymore.

Do not tip these assholes, and do not go to Dunkies if they do not straighten out their act.

I wish i liked that sludge they sell at Starbucks, then I could deal with the laddy Da computer geeks who serve you coffee there.

See ya later I need some more caffeine

Do the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce. After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and being married men, we all know that didn’t happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney’s fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer’s call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right? But…Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would’ve paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million). Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put both legs around you, no bitching and complaining or ‘to do’ lists. Best of all, she leaves when you’re done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is Kristen a better way to go?

Kristen

Heather mills

Just a word about underwear. I am not a boxer or brief guy. I go with the hybrid type.

They don’t give you free fall, and they don’t choke it off like the tighty whities.

I know TMI…but let me go on.

Why is it that when you talk about underwear it makes woman crazy. they always go ooouh.

Why is it that if you say I wore the same underwear two days in row, they start to gag. It really is not that big a deal. You can always turn them inside out, so the label is on the outside.

Underwear tip #1 ….. buy black, they hide the skid marks better.

Let’s talk about thongs. Why bother? it is nothing but a sling shot. We have come a long way from the days of bloomers.

Victoria Secret has made a cottage industry out of undies. They have 1000 varieties of underwear. They have bras now that make flat chested woman look like they have cleavage. Talk about great inventions.

I wonder what the record is for consecutive days wearing the same underwear?

There is a study out now that says that the rate of breast cancer rises dramatically by the amount of time woman wear a bra. If you go 24 hrs a day you have a 1 in 5 chance.

I think I will have more on this later. Stay tuned, and take the poll.

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Scarlett Oak Tavern

1217 Main Street

Hingham Ma                  

781-749-8200

Sometimes it takes a few tries till you get it right. That old historic white house on the Hingham/Norwell line, seems to have gotten it right this time.

It was the Whitton house and then Ciro’s, and then the Black fin. They all had their run and they all failed. it is a can’t miss location and right now, the parking lot is full and it is not missing.

This too, may have its run and die down like so many others, but right now it is a hit with the locals.

The formula that seems to have worked this time around is that they have made the bar twice as big and they have made it a comfortable hangout for the local Yuppies who have money to burn. Who doesn’t like eating at the bar?

I might suggest that they change the name to the ” Cougar Club” It has been a hangout for the forty something, still kinda hot chick, looking for Mr Right with a fat wallet, and a nice car kinda place.

The food is good, they have two menus, one a full restaurant menu and one o a pub menu. I have only ate in the restaurant once, so forgive me for not being too detailed. I have however ate just about everything at the bar and it is all good. My favorite is the twin clam rolls, and the chicken pot pie in the skillet.

The drinks are ok and fairly priced for the venue. They have some very nice bartenders and one particular at lunch ( I think his name is Paul) is excellent and super professional.

Give it a try! and Happy Cougar hunting!!!!

4 Monty Stars out of 5 ****

Monty

PS Wayne calls it the “Red Barn” Not sure why, but he has a way of making names stick, so don’t be surprised if you see the sign change some time soon.

Shipwrecked!!
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get ‘those feelings’ again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.
He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”

Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Amy, thanks for sending me this photo of yourself. Keep sending me your photo’s, and I will post them here.

I THINK IT IS TIME TO REPLACE THE STAINED GLASS IN THE RECTORY.

If you send me a ridiculous picture of yourself, of course you are going to make the Monty Minute.

Is it possible for a woman to drive a car and not be on the phone?

Simple question….

Watch…do a count, you will not believe what you see. It is like 80% now. Who? the hell are they talking to?

And another thing. When you are on the highway and one car seems to be going slower than the rest. With too much spacing in between them and the next car. Pass them I guarantee that they are on the phone. In their own little world. Fucking the traffic up for everyone else.

doneit.mp3

At least get a headset or a hands free phone.

Two Words: Paul Pierce

The Drew Bledsoe of the NBA

He can play for 46 minutes. He actually is a good player. One of the best, but he is a choke. If you give him the ball in the last two minutes, he throws up bricks, or he just throws it away. The same could be said for the aforementioned greatest last minute choker of all time Drew Bledsoe.

Some people just gag under pressure. I know what you are saying,” he has some last minute heroics”. Sure, but you can file that under ” even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in awhile”

It is not a bad thing that he cannot swallow in crunch time. I myself am one of the worst golfers in the world on the last three holes.

Just do not give him the ball when it counts.

I love Kevin Garnett. he is one of my favorite players of all time.

I like Perkins and Rondo.

Ray Allen is done, toast over the hill, as is Cassell. I would still give the last shot to Ray Allen. He has that left in him.

Is it me, or is this coach ( Doc Rivers) a little over matched?

Anyway go celts! If I were the coach, I would sit the captain in crunch time. BUT coaches are stubborn * see terry francoma, don’t even get me started about Mike Timlin. That is another guy that needs to be home reading the monty minute instead of trying to get out 23 year olds in the 8th.

Monty

People say I look like Vince Gill ( the country singer)

What do you think? Ya got to feel bad for the dude. You know that people walk up to him all the time after concerts and say” do you know you look like Monty”?

(?????)

See how you are at spotting look a likes and fakes.

click here for a test!

Black Hurricanes….

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else
to be pissed about. A black congresswoman, from Florida, has complained
that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture, such as
Chamiqua, Tanisha, Moeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that
street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in
New Orleans was that black people couldn’t understand the seriousness of
the situation, due to the racially biased lang uage of the weather report.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says…

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be

headin’ fo’ yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!

Bitch be a category fo’! So grab yo’ chirren, yo’

Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo’ da nearest

guv’ment office fo yo FREE shit!

This past weekend we went on a booze cruise to nowhere out of Boston. It was like $350 per person, which included your room and food. Not a bad price, but you get what you pay for.

The Boat (NCL Dream) is the one that goes out of Boston to Bermuda. I think they try to fill some space and grab a few bucks before it starts it weekly voyages.

I actually liked it better than the other 20 people that I cruised with. I kinda did not expect much.

Greg said ” it sucked, it sucked, and it really sucked”

Joanne said ( ehh)

Donnie liked the first day, he stayed up till 5:30 in the morning hooting and howlin, but he did not enjoy the second day. I wonder why??

Mike and lisa do not get away too often without the kids, so I wish it was better for them, but overall they were just happy to kick back and chill for 48 hours.

Why did Greg and others think it sucked?

Bad food, bad service, bad rooms, rough seas, and most of all it was hard to get a drink. When you did get a bartenders attention, they were either out of what you wanted, or they gave you what ever they had. They actually measured the pour and charged you like $7 bucks for a drink. Thank God i smuggled on the captain Morgan.

The waitstaff was untrained and unequipped to handle the number of people on the boat.

The casino was jammed and it was hard to find a table and forget about getting a drink in that place.

getting off the boat was another shitshow. Lines snaked around the halls and it took hours. We might have stayed in the rooms, but they shut the water off.

The biggggessst complaint I had was the bacon was raw and uneatable. You know how much this fat man loves his bacon. I still hold the record on the Royal Carribean for the most bacon consumed in a week long cruise, ( my picture is in the galley)

( this is how i like my bacon* crispy*)

All in all it was just OK I might think of a better way to spend a weekend with my buddies. I would not do it again in a hurry.

Bon Voyage

Monty

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, “Listen up, Buddy.  I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn’t matter to me.  I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, “‘No kidding. I’m a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?”

Desperate brokers try to change the way they do business.

Do they really? No they don’t. They have been the best team in baseball for years,decades and a century. So have the Celtics and the Canadians. So was Jack Nicholas, and now tiger Woods.

Do we yell tiger you suck. No! Canadians suck!! No!

At least if we do it is at the game. You hear Yankees suck at a football game. a mall, a school, a kids birthday party. it can pop up anywhere.

It is not the Yankees that suck, they were just better than the Red Sox for soooo long. Now the Sox are better, or at least they are winning more. So there should be a moratoriam on the Yankees Suck chant. If you are a Sox fan, just giggle, gloat and snicker.

Besides it is not the Yankees that suck, it is New Yorkers that suck. you know the ones with that annoying accent that rips through your head everytime they say cooofee, or boouston.

Have you ever been at a restaurant and heard the woman at the next table whine about the service and food for two hours and then order a cooufee. your laughing aren’t you. yes you are. because they are annoying.

New Yorkers are why people hate Americans. They travel the most and they irritate everyone. Do you think people from Wisconsin go to France and irritate the French. No way.

It is the New Yorkers that are ruining it for all of us.

So in closing, it is not the Yankees that suck, it is the Giants that suck!

They ripped my heart out in February and stomped all over it. What am i saying??? Maybe it is the Patriots offensive line that sucks. Maybe it is just Matt Light ( the worst lineman in the NFL ) that sucks. Maybe it is Bob Kraft that sucks?

Whatever!! All I know is Hillary Clinton sucks, and she is a Senator from New York.

Go Sox, Yankees Suck!!

Monty

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