5 minute oil change The Monty way

Here is how this goes down, and it is not one word of a lie, but it is typical of the shit that happens to me.

My idiot light comes on in the car, and says that i need an oil change. The last one i got from Lexus at the dealer cost me about $500 ( 345 point check) You do get a free lunch and a drink in a fancy waiting room.

So I say lets wait. I drive for another 10,000 miles or so, and the light just keeps on blinking. I cannot stand the blinking, so I have a brilliant idea. I am going to get one of those quicky oil changes.

So, I pull into the valvoline place on Washington Street in Hanover Ma.( keep this in mind if you are stupid enough to get a quickie oil change)

The guy says pull in sir. I start to get out and he says no sir just stay in the vehicle this will only take about 5 minutes. I get out the reg, and he starts inputting the stuff on the computer. He says you are not on the computer, is this your first time? I say why yes, I am a virgin. He says you are going to love it.

More small talk about how much he admires the car etc. he says we do not see many of these here. Is this the one that parks itself?  This should have been my first clue to screw, and deal with the flashing light.

Now I hear uggh  *%&^# from underneath. Then Hey can you come down here? They have a meeting. the manager comes back and says that it is really tight and we will have to remove the protective panel.

Ok der! go ahead! I say.

More small talk. I am there 20 minutes now and decide to put on a movie. The GPS system plays movies while in park. I go with a classic “PORKY’S “.

20 more minutes go by. ( I am now at the shower scene and forget about the oil change)

From below i hear   SHIT!

This cannot be good.

The manager comes back, and says sir! we got a problem. My best guy is on your car but he broke something. We can get a part, but it is 5 miles down the road, what do you want to do?

What the fuck can I do I say, get the part. I am aggitated slightly and I go back to the movie. I am on the part where pee wee calls the waitress and has her page MIKE HUNT on the Pa system. Has anybody? seen MIKE HUNT. ( always makes me laugh).

Oh ya the part comes more meetings and more assurances that I will be out of there.

to make a long story short, they fix it apologize and give me a $12 credit.

I am a patient man, I understand problems, so i pay them pull out and call it a bad decision. It took 1 hour and 46 minutes per the invoice, but I think it was more like 2 hours. Hell I watched the whole movie.

If you need to go to the bathroom, now is the time, because it does not stop here.

I drive out and the car does not feel right. It is swaying all over the road.

I figure it must be the tire pressure because my idiot light shows me that they took too much air out of my tires. Geez! No biggie, I will get air in the morning.

I get up to go to the health club in the AM( I told you there are no lies here, I do work out), and the car is all over the road, I can hardly keep it straight. I pull into the gas station, put 75 cents in and get air to the right pressure. all set right?   Wrong!

The car is fucked. I have to get it to the dealer quick. I get on the highway, and in one exit, I almost hit 5 cars and the guard rail. I am going 30 miles and hour in the breakdown lane and praying to our baby Jesus that I do not die.

I get off the next exit. sweating, panting and pissed off.

Guess what is at the end of the ramp right in front of me, my friendly Valvoline 5 minute oil station. So I pull in.

I jam my car in front of all the bays, so no customers can get in and out, I get out and start screaming. The mangaer comes out and tries to calm me down. I tell him the car stays here till the tow truck comes and takes it to the lexus dealership on their dime.

after 10 minutes of this, the guy convinces me that he can fix it if I pull in again. I do, I am an idiot.

Well as it turns out, they took my steering column out to do the oil change, there are 4 screws that hold it in. there is only one left, or one ever put in, I almost died.

The guy feels bad and says next time I go there to ask for him and I will get a free oil change.

Ya right!!!!!!!!!!