Who said vacations are relaxing?I am on day 8 now of continous self indulgence. It is 9:00AM and i just got up. That may sound like a slugabed, but I just got home at 4:00AMI do not know how much more of eating, drinking and gambling I can do.What is the record? Bar just opened, I got to go Monty
Entries from October 2008 ↓
Just a little tired
October 17th, 2008 — rants
Kris & Bry Guy Get Hitched
October 14th, 2008 — rants
Sometimes you just feel good about something. Last weekend My Godchild Kristen got married to the bry guy. Never have I seen a couple so perfect for each other. I cannot wish them enough happiness. Bry guy is perfect. I had no problem giving my blessing to him in order to get married to one of my favorite girls.The wedding was set against the backdrop of the the Adirondack mountains during the height of foliage. The scenery was almost as beautiful as Kristen herself. the food was bountiful and good.Fred got smashed and danced his ass off all night.
we went to Pams house after the wedding. It was a beaucholic gem. We had another great time. I cannot get enough of my cousins and their kids.Good luck to the newlyweds They make the perfect couple.Hi Bry Guy I know you are reading this.
yellow vs White
October 14th, 2008 — Blank VS Blank
When on vacation you spend a lot of idle time talking about stupid stuff. yesterday we spent hours on end discussing whether white cheese was different from yellow cheese.I said there was no difference, and I was on an island (haha a little joke) as they say One man against the uninformed.Well I googled it up and looked into no less than 15 sources. Not one source could someone argue that the yellow color is anything but tasteless,odorless food coloringSo of course I am right again. The funny part about this, is that after I relay this info to my friend with the large front porch ( The doctor told him to watch his weight, so he put in all in front so that he could see it) he will still deny the irrefutable evidence and swear that it tastes different.What do you think?What do you prefer?
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hello from Turks
October 13th, 2008 — rants
Arrived yesterday from Boston and went right to the bar. After 5 hours of hard pounding, we went to the Casino. I left Donnie there at 2:00. From what we can tell, someone from the casino drove him back after they closed at 5:30.Don got back in the room stumbled fell on the bed of pillows and tried to swim through them to get into the bed. A failed futile attempt.After the pillow Olympics, Ellen tells the rest of the tale like this.He wakes up and tries to find the bathroom. His first attempt, was to try to go through the pass through door into the next room. The next attempt was to go through the screen door. Ellen screams no Don, follow the light!!Don must have thought the light was on the armoire door, because he walked right smack into it. ( That left a mark)Ellen then led him into the bathroom and guided his way from that point.Today is Columbus day on the island of turks & Caicos. The locals are whooping it up on the beach with music ( no word of a lie, they have 6 humongous speakers that can be heard for miles. The have a blow up jumpee, tons of food and booze they are having a great time, as are we. More tommorow, I have to go to the bar to watch the Sox Rays game.How about the Pats D They suck! Cassell sucks too.Does anybody want to talk about why that fool Francoma would put Mike Timlin in any game that meant anything!!!! 
Greg and Don sleeping it off 
JoJO and Zach at the Turks beach
discrimination against fat guys
October 9th, 2008 — rants
Why is it that big people have to pay more for clothes?
This has been going on for awhile now. Unchecked. Where is the ACLU and those other liberal organizations that take on causes.
Last night I went to Target to buy a couple of tee shirts for a trip. The sign says $4.99 then in a smaller font it says XXL and XXXL $6.99.
That sucks for me, and the other fat bastards in the world. More material sure, but I beg you to tell me the difference between an XL and a XXL. It ceratainly is not 30% more.
That is the added amount for the XXL. It takes the same time to make,stock,sell etc. so why gouge the big guy?
This happens all the time and no one cares. I am starting to get pissed. I am almost mad enough to go on a diet.
Nah, that is just stupid. I am going to have a pizza, a drink and then lie down for awhile until that stupid thought passes.
Join POTSOP ( people opposed to screwing obese people)
Send your donations to monty via this link.
Halloween is going to suck this year….
October 7th, 2008 — rants
Terry Francona
October 6th, 2008 — rants
I have one simple question when it comes to the skipper of the RED SOX.
What is he eating? What is he sucking on?
100% of the time when they pan to the dugout and they put the camera on him he is putting something in his mouth. Or taking something out, or sucking on something.
I swear the other night he was sucking the salt off of ball game peanuts. He is always unwrappping shit and shoving it in his mouth.
I am not lying, you are going to shit your self the next time they pan to the dugout. I PROMISE< that he will be shoving something in his kisser when they show him.
Unless he is sitting there and rocking like someone that just got a lobotomy.
salad and woman
October 6th, 2008 — rants
Riddle me this “Batman”
Sometimes you have to ask why?
Some things do not make sense.
sometimes 2+2 do not make four.
Ya say ” Monty stop rambling and get to the point”
Here is what I can not figure out.
If every time I go out to eat with a woman or a group of woman, or I look over at the next table and there is a bunch of woman eating, why is it that they are ALWAYS eating a salad?
They do!!! watch when you go out next time.
The part I do not understand is how come there are so many fat woman if all they do is eat salad? If I ate salad all the time I would be skinny. I do not, I eat a lot of crap and I am pleasantly plump.
So what happens. Let me tell you what I think happens. They eat salad in front of the other woman, because it is the right thing to do. They do not order the meatloaf with gravy and a side of fries, because they do not want the other woman to talk about them, so they get in line and they all order salad.
They leave the restaurant and get in their cars, hit the glove box for the kit kat stash, then they pull into the Burger King and order a #3 ( biggie size) wipe the crumbs off their shirt, destroy the evidence ( BK bags) and go home to cook dinner.
Woman who look like this do not live on salad, BUT I can bet you dimes to doughnuts, that when they go out to eat with their girlfriends, they order a salad.
Am I alone on an island here, or do you agree.
Monty
( it is OK to post a comment, like hey monty, maybe you should try a few salads yourself) BUT I already know that.
J.O.D joke of the day
October 6th, 2008 — Jokes, rants
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the
> front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his
> cooler.
>
> The little boy asks: ‘Can I have a beer
> Grandpa?’
>
> Grandpa replies: ‘Can your pecker touch your
> ass?’
>
> The little boy answered : ‘No Grandpa. It’s
> just a little pecker’.
>
> Gramps says: ‘Well then, you’re not man enough
> to have a beer’.
>
> A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little
> boy asks: ‘Can I
> have a cigar Grandpa?’
>
> Once again, Grandpa asks: ‘Can your pecker touch your
> ass?’
>
> Once again the little boy replies, ‘No, it’s too
> little’.
>
> Gramps replies, ‘Then you’re not man enough to
> have a cigar’. A little
> later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and
> some cookies.
>
> Grandpa asks, ‘Hey there young feller, can I have a
> cookie?’
>
> The boy ask, ‘Can your pecker touch your ass?’
>
> Gramps replies, ‘Hell yes, my pecker can touch my
> ass’.
>
> The little boy replies, ‘Then go fuck yourself’.
> Grandma made these for
> me’.
Oil Change
October 3rd, 2008 — rants
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00..
2) Stop by 7 – 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because “I gotta finish the oil change.” Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 – 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total– $4165.00
Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
5 minute oil change The Monty way
October 3rd, 2008 — rants
Here is how this goes down, and it is not one word of a lie, but it is typical of the shit that happens to me.
My idiot light comes on in the car, and says that i need an oil change. The last one i got from Lexus at the dealer cost me about $500 ( 345 point check) You do get a free lunch and a drink in a fancy waiting room.
So I say lets wait. I drive for another 10,000 miles or so, and the light just keeps on blinking. I cannot stand the blinking, so I have a brilliant idea. I am going to get one of those quicky oil changes.
So, I pull into the valvoline place on Washington Street in Hanover Ma.( keep this in mind if you are stupid enough to get a quickie oil change)
The guy says pull in sir. I start to get out and he says no sir just stay in the vehicle this will only take about 5 minutes. I get out the reg, and he starts inputting the stuff on the computer. He says you are not on the computer, is this your first time? I say why yes, I am a virgin. He says you are going to love it.
More small talk about how much he admires the car etc. he says we do not see many of these here. Is this the one that parks itself? This should have been my first clue to screw, and deal with the flashing light.
Now I hear uggh *%&^# from underneath. Then Hey can you come down here? They have a meeting. the manager comes back and says that it is really tight and we will have to remove the protective panel.
Ok der! go ahead! I say.
More small talk. I am there 20 minutes now and decide to put on a movie. The GPS system plays movies while in park. I go with a classic “PORKY’S “.
20 more minutes go by. ( I am now at the shower scene and forget about the oil change)
From below i hear SHIT!
This cannot be good.
The manager comes back, and says sir! we got a problem. My best guy is on your car but he broke something. We can get a part, but it is 5 miles down the road, what do you want to do?
What the fuck can I do I say, get the part. I am aggitated slightly and I go back to the movie. I am on the part where pee wee calls the waitress and has her page MIKE HUNT on the Pa system. Has anybody? seen MIKE HUNT. ( always makes me laugh).
Oh ya the part comes more meetings and more assurances that I will be out of there.
to make a long story short, they fix it apologize and give me a $12 credit.
I am a patient man, I understand problems, so i pay them pull out and call it a bad decision. It took 1 hour and 46 minutes per the invoice, but I think it was more like 2 hours. Hell I watched the whole movie.
If you need to go to the bathroom, now is the time, because it does not stop here.
I drive out and the car does not feel right. It is swaying all over the road.
I figure it must be the tire pressure because my idiot light shows me that they took too much air out of my tires. Geez! No biggie, I will get air in the morning.
I get up to go to the health club in the AM( I told you there are no lies here, I do work out), and the car is all over the road, I can hardly keep it straight. I pull into the gas station, put 75 cents in and get air to the right pressure. all set right? Wrong!
The car is fucked. I have to get it to the dealer quick. I get on the highway, and in one exit, I almost hit 5 cars and the guard rail. I am going 30 miles and hour in the breakdown lane and praying to our baby Jesus that I do not die.
I get off the next exit. sweating, panting and pissed off.
Guess what is at the end of the ramp right in front of me, my friendly Valvoline 5 minute oil station. So I pull in.
I jam my car in front of all the bays, so no customers can get in and out, I get out and start screaming. The mangaer comes out and tries to calm me down. I tell him the car stays here till the tow truck comes and takes it to the lexus dealership on their dime.
after 10 minutes of this, the guy convinces me that he can fix it if I pull in again. I do, I am an idiot.
Well as it turns out, they took my steering column out to do the oil change, there are 4 screws that hold it in. there is only one left, or one ever put in, I almost died.
The guy feels bad and says next time I go there to ask for him and I will get a free oil change.
Ya right!!!!!!!!!!
Al Davis
October 1st, 2008 — sports
Please somebody start a ” Dead Pool” I want in.
I am taking Al Davis and I hope I win.
Al Davis is an execrable retched old man. He is a detestable creep.
His latest claim to fame was to fire Lane Kiffen his coach. This is his 6th coach in like 7 years. First he tried to get him to quit so he would not have to fire him. Then he goes on national TV and reads a letter and fabricates lies about this guy.
he did nothing but make him self the biggest laughing stock in America. I do not even feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for his team and their fans. this degenerate Elvis/Darth Vader wannabe has been ruining the Raider franchise for more than a decade.I do not even like the raider, but I do feel bad for them.
For Gods Sake Al please shrivel up and die you piece of shit.
tramp stamp
October 1st, 2008 — rants
I was going to comment on tattoos in general, but lets keep it to that ubiquitous stamp that seems to be on the back of most woman nowadays.
it is commonly known as the tramp stamp.
Now if you have one, and you probably do if you are a woman, do not get all huffy!!! and pissed off at me.
Just explain to me why? Why there of all places?
Who sees it? certainly not the person being stamped. It makes more sense to have it where you can see it.
They are not cheap!
First of all, I would love a tattoo. but for two reasons.
One, I am a pussy
two, they are FOREVER>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Forever is the problem. You can get a car and if you do not like it, you can dump it.
You can buy a avocado bathroom, and if it is outdated, you can scrap it and get a new one.
you can get married and if that sucks, you can get a divorce.
BUT!!!
Put ink on your back and you own it for life. Ya better love it. This is what I do not understand. This tattoo thing is an epidemic in our country. people are making murals all over themselves.
I know, I know. I am in the minority. I think I am the last person standing without a tattoo,BUT it is forever.
I was thinking of getting this one? What do you think?
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