Entries from December 2008 ↓

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

“Are you ok?” she says

“Yes” he replied.

“You do know that you can go and play with the other kids”, she says.

“Its best I stay here” he said.

“But why?” says the blonde.

The boys says “Because I’m the f#cking goalie”

I want to welcome jack M   my neighbor as a new reader of the Monty minute

Jack stay on your own side of the bushes!!!!!

I call him action Jackson

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can’t hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I’d like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I’d store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty’s only a light switch away.

Man – ‘Fat Penguin!’
Woman – ‘WHAT?’
Man – ‘I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.’

9) I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room…

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.


AND… the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Do you like blood and guts stuff?  me neither

This is a picture of a crash

This could have been fatal.

Do not scroll down if you have a queezy stomach!!!

Thank goodness the airbags deployed!

“The financial situation at the moment is so bad, Jewish women are now marrying for love. “ 

Night Befo Crizzmus

Wus da night afo’ Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin’ and da sleepin’ be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol’ Obama’s, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was ly’in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk….”Sh’eet, it must be da law”.

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I’ze could see,
I was spectin’ the sherrif, wif a warrent fo’ me.
But what did I see, made me say, “Laaawd look at dat”.
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha’s, got a black un’ tonight.
Faster than a poe’lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo’ sho’, – can you believe that Sh’eet!.

Dat Santy didn’t need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, “Son o’ bitch…he don did dis befoe”!
He had a big bag, full of presents – at first I suspeck?
Wif “Air Jordans” and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho’ woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, “democrat son of a bitch”.
So nex year I be hopin’, a white Santy we git,
’cause a black Santy Claws, just ain’t worf a shit !!!!

Not politically correct, but I did chuckle just a little

Can you spot the 44th president?

It was this time last year that I wrote a long email about how I felt about the undefeated patriots. it was really the beginning of what became the Monty Minute.

In this email I said that what you see is not what you are going to get down the road, because this team is badly flawed, and built for the moment The Pats did better than I thought and did not fall apart till the Super bowl.

Well…   The team is still flawed. Albeit doing a good job under the circumstances.

Here is the way I see it going into the fourth Quarter of the season.

They have arguably the easiest schedule EVER in the history of the NFL. They play the flotsam and jepson of the NFL week after week.

here are the teams we have beaten after we went 0-4 in the preseason. Kansas City,San Fran,Broncos, Rams, Seahawks as well as splitting with the rest of the division. Have you seen these teams play? I have, they are all pitiful. Other teams are blowing them away like the “07″ pats did to everybody. We are sqeeking by some of these teams.

We have not beat a good team yet.

Here is how I see the team:

Best Member of the team:  Bill Belicheck. what he is doing with this talent is remarkable.

Team MVP: Stephen Goskowski. Simply the best. he kicks long and under pressure.

Player I want to see get the ball all the time: Wes Welker. He is the heartbeat of the team. he never ceases to amaze me.right behind him is kevin faulk. We should think of him like we do Troy Brown ” A true patriot”

Time to retire: First and foremost Teddy Bruschi. Please Teddy it is time. let me remember you the way you were. You gave us everything you had, time to stay home with the kids and do PR for the Pats. Junior Seau ( reminds me of that country song ” How can I miss you when you wont go away”) Larry Izzo If ALL you can do is special teams, then jesus do it well. he is done/toast. Rodney Harrison he might retire and Bill might bring him back in December for the next 11 years. Deltha oneil. He would be out of the league if not for the pats.

Worst Member of the Pats: Bar none Scott Pioli. We have no talent from the draft. Every year we have like 9 picks and we come up with almost nothing. Of the 62 players on the team,practice squad and injured reserve ONLY 18 were Drafted. Most were first round picks. Nothing much came after that. Even some of the recent first rounders are questionable. Such as Watson, Maroney, Merriweather.  No great shakes here for first rounders. Second round has been a wash out. This teams needs talent going forward and with skin flint Bob Kraft at the helm do not think it will be from his pocket.

Most overrated: easy one.  Matt Light. He could be replaced by a turnstyle from the “T”.  He continues to get beat by average speed off the left side.

Second most overrated: Matt Cassell. Why do people keep touting this career backup. He went from stinks to average. Average is all he will ever be. Bill Belichek has made this kid Millions. Wait till he goes to another team ( God I hope it is the JETS) He will stink it up. he will not have His binky Welker and Randy Moss to throw to. He will have more of the likes of Jabar ( slippery hands) gaffney.

The next three games are Oakland, Arizona and Buffy. All layups and easy wins. Do they scare you? This Schedule is rediculous. We are only missing the Lions and the Browns.

The stadium is still quiet. I went to 3 games this year, and next year I am giving up the tickets after 28 years. I have seen enough. When you reach the top there is only once place to go and that is down. the funnel has started and I do not want to be swept up in its path.

I still love football and the patriots, but believe me when I tell you, it is going to be along time before another banner gets raised in Gillette, or whatever it will be called then.

Good luck to you all, and enjoy!

Monty

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Box  Donation
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to  his
>
> priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
>
> The  priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
>
> The Irishman said, “Well, we  got undressed and rubbed together, but
>
> then stopped.”
>
> The  priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You’re
>
> not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail  Mary’s and
>
> put $50 in the poor box.”
>
> The Irishman left the  confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>
> over to the poor  box.
>
> He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
>
> The  priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I  saw
>
> that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
>
> The  Irishman r eplied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,  and
>
> according to you, that’s the same as putting it  in!”
>
>
>
> Lemon Squeeze
>
> There once was a religious young  woman who went to Confession.
>
> Upon entering the confessional, she  said, “Forgive me, Father, for
>
> I have sinned.”
>
> The priest  said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
>
> The young woman said,  ”Last night my boyfriend made mad,
>
> passionate love to me seven  times.”
>
> The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze  seven
>
> lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
>
> The young  woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
>
> The priest said, “No,  but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
>
>
>
> Catholic  Dog
>
> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet  dog
>
> for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to  the
>
> parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’  be
>
> saying’ a ma ss for the poor creature?”
>
> Father Patrick  replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services
>
> for an animal in  the church. But there are some Baptists down
>
> the lane, and there’s no  tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do
>
> something for the  creature.”
>
> Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think  $5,000 is
>
> enough to donate to them for the service?”
>
> Father  Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
>
> didn’t ya tell  me the dog was Catholic?
>
>
>
> Donation
>
> Father O’Malley  answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley ?”
>
> “It  is!”
>
> “This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?”
>
> “I  can!”
>
> “Do you know a Ted Houlihan ?”
>
> “I do!”
>
> “Is he a  member of your congregation?”
>
> “He is!”
>
> “Did he donate $10,000  to the church?”
>
> “He will.”
>
>
>
> Confession
>
> An  elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
>
> conversation  ensues:
>
> Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,  children,
>
> grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
>
> Yesterday, I  picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
>
> a motel, where I  had sex with each of them three times.”
>
> Priest: “Are you sorry for  your sins?”
>
> Man: “What sins?”
>
> Priest: “What kind of a Catholi  c are you?”
>
> Man: “I’m Jewish.”
>
> Priest: “Why are you telling me  all this?”
>
> Man: “I’m 92 years old . . . I’m telling  everybody!”
>
>
>
> Brothel Trip
>
> An elderly man goes into a  brothel and tells the madam he would
>
> like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the
>
> ancient man and asks how old he  is.
>
> “I’m 90 years old,” he says.
>
> “90!” replies the woman.  ”Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
>
> “Oh, sorry,” says the old man.  ”How much do I owe you?”
>
>
>
> Senility
>
> An elderly man went  to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m
>
> gett ing senile. Several  times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”
>
> “That’s not senility,”  replied the doctor. “Senility is when you
>
> forget to zip  down.”
>
>
>
> Pest Control
>
> A  woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from  a
>
> pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in  the
> bedroom together when her husband  arrived home unexpectedly.
>
> “Quick,” said the woman to the lover,”into  the closet!” and she
>
> pushed him in the closet, stark  naked.
>
> The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search  of
>
> the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
>
> “Who are  you?” he asked him.
>
> “I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the  exterminator.
>
> “What are you doing in there?” the husband  asked.
>
> “I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of  moths,”
>
> the man replied.
>
> “And where are your clothes?” asked  the husband.
>
> The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little  bastards!”
>
>
>

860 W Central St

Franklin, MA 02038
(508) 520-2770
Get directions

www.incontrorestaurant.com

I had lunch here the other day with Amy, Paul and my Buddy Chris Russo from Medway.

Boy was I impressed.  We drove from Medway. I had no idea where we were going, but I wiped my brow as we passed the”99″ and took a left into the parking lot of an old mill building. It looked neat and clean and kinda cool. I was already liking the place.

We went in out of the rain and were met by a hostess who quickly seated us in a lavish booth with plenty of room. Our waiter Chris soon came over and made us comfortable and not rushed. after a drink order and a rundown of the specials we were good to go.

I started with the sausage soup. OMG  It was fabulous. The only thing better than the soup was the soup spoon. It had the right tilt and the right weight. it was different, and perfect.

I went with the bacon cheese burger with the parmesan fries. The burger was done perfect. But I was not crazy about the fries. But dont go by me, i hear that they are a specialty and everyone loves them. I say ” why screw with a frie”? Fries are Gods gift to the fat guy.

Amy ordered the Grilled Tuna salad. Not for me, but chicks are obliged to order salad when dining out for lunch. ( a weird gene thing I guess). The salad came out and it was a piece of art. presented nicely on a rectangular plate with a drizzle of sauce. Ample portion for anybody, and too much for the thin Ms “O”.

Overall, this is a must for anybody in the area. I am looking forward to the one hour drive next time to get there and try something new.

Check out their website. They have party and function facilities and a billiard area, that I missed.

Worth the trip!!!

4.65 out of 5 Monty stars

Before you get all PC on me and huffy that I am shitting on the handicap, hear me out. I do not have to vote for Obama to be a caring and sensitive human being. Really I am. Unlike my wife, I even break for animals.

here is my problem. This has been bugging me for awhile.

Why do we need sooooo many handicap spots?

No one is ever in them, and the only ones that are parked there, are usually the frauds. You have seen them as well as I have. The frauds. they pull up with the decal. or the plate and park in front row of the Home Depot( like they were Tony Stewart on the pole at daytona)  and walk in, like there is nothing wrong.

Put that aside. my real problem is the number of spots. Just how many do you need. There are way too many for the number of handicapped drivers. Who came up with the formula. is it like 10% of the total? If you have 3 spots , does one have to be handicapped?

It is like saving a space. Isn’t it enough, that the handicapped and their whole family get to go to the front of the lines at Disney? That pisses me off.

Is being fat a disability? I hope so, I want one of those coveted spots.

I think you should have them, but Jesus Christ do we need 12 of them at the stop & Shop, or the Home depot?

Now they have spots for moms with kids and expectant moms. Do you think fat chicks can pass for expectant moms?

I think we need to cut the spaces in half, or have them in the back and have a valet that shuttles them up to the store. if you were a fraud, they would be on to you.

I do hate people that park in front of the cut outs in the side walk. That is just ignorant. suppose you are in a wheelchair and you get to the crosswalk and you have a car in your way. Your screwed. You cant walk around. I suppose the only thing you could do is key the car, and get some help. either way that sucks.

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Tape is an awesome invention. You pull it off the roll and stick Two things together. No mess like glue. I love tape.

BUT!!   I also hate friggin tape. It is just this time of year that I get really frustrated with tape.

It does not matter what kind of tape it is. Scotch tape, masking tape or duct tape. The same thing always happens.

What you say???

The friggin tape ends and is stuck to the roll. You then have to find the end. if you have bad eyes or bad light, you have to feel around the whole roll till you find an edge. You peel back the tape , only to find that it is split and you get this shortened piece that looks like a wedge.

The process continues. But this time you are looking for a sliver of a piece of tape.Again it splinters. so you just use a skinny piece. Then you have tape that is not even.

Does it bother you when you take it off and then it folds in half, or it curls up and sticks together.

I know that they have dispensers, but they need to invent something better when you just have a roll.

That reminds me, I have the same problem with plastic wrap. You take it out and rip it off from the teeth attached to the box, and it immediately shrivels up and clings together. I can never get it straightened out enough to stick it to a bowl or whatever it goes on.

10. Talk about a huge breast!

9. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

8. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!

7. That’s one terrific spread!

6. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

5. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

4. Don’t play with your meat.

3. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!

2. How long will it take after you stick it in?

and the Number #1 thing you can only say on
Thanksgiving….

1. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

 

You may not believe this, but I have never been on a date. I was engaged as a teenager and never had the opportunity to call a girl and ask her out. A real date where you go to dinner, or the movies, you know.

I had plenty of times where i met some girl at a party, or at a bar, but before I met my soul mate and perfect partner, i never had a chance to date.

But that does not stop me from giving you a little advice.

My friend _ _ _ ( name has been whited out to protect the innocent) has a blind date coming up,  . My only advice to _ _ _ is make sure the dude has lots of money and does not live in his mom’s basement. If he pulls up in a shaggin Wagon. The panel truck with curtains and a aerobed in the back. come up sick, or just run.

This advice is for the guys.

WHITE WOMEN: 

First date: 
You get to kiss her goodnight. 
Second date: 
You get to grope all over and make out a bit. 
Third date: 
You get to have sex but only but only when 
she wants to and only in the missionary position. 

IRISH WOMEN: 

First Date: 
You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
Second Date: 
You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
20th Anniversary: 
You both get blind drunk and have sex. 

ITALIAN WOMEN: 

First Date: 
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. 
Second Date: 
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. 
Third Date: 
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 
5th Anniversary: 
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 
6th Anniversary: 
You fi nd yourself a Mistress. 

CHINESE WOMEN: 

First date: 
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. 
Second date: 
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. 
Third date: 
You don’t even get to the third date and you’ve already realized nothing 
is ever going to happen. 

INDIAN WOMEN: 

First date: 
Meet her parents. 
Second date: 
Set the date of the wedding. 
Third date: 
Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN: 

First Date: 
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. 
Second Date: 
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. 
Third Date: 
You get to pay her rent. 
Tenth Date: 
She’s pregnant by someone other than you. 

MEXICAN WOMEN: 

First Date: 
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in 
the back of her car. 
Second Date: 
She’s pregnant. 
Third Date: 
She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her 
two sisters, her b rother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister’s boyfriend and his 
three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip. 

JEWISH WOMEN: 

First Date: 
You will have to spend all your money to impress 

Second Date: 
You will take a loan to keep the image 
Third Date : 
Your are broke, she finds someone wealthier

ARAB WOMEN: 

First Date: 
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. 
Second Date: 
Guy is shot dead. 
No third date!!!