Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, ‘Do you know what I miss most of all?’
She asks, ‘What?’ ‘Sex!!’ he replies
Mildred exclaims, ‘Why youold fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!’
‘I know,’ Harold says, ‘but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.’
Well, I can oblige,’ says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.
Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, ‘You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?’
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ‘Parkinson’s.’
A man is being interviewed, seeking to join the police department.
The Captain says: “Your qualifications are good, but there is a
practical test you must pass before you can join.” Sliding a pistol
across the desk, he says, “Take this gun – go out
and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six terrorists, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?”, the applicant asked.
GREAT attitude,” says the Captain. “When can you start?”
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that?!” “Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable.”
“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we’ll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours.” Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. “Who’s that with Jim?” asks the wife. “That’s his mistress,” says her husband. She replies, “Ours is prettier.”
The squares are done. It was literaly a last minute thing here are your numbers if you are in.
Monty's square pool-Click to enlarge
I go crazy every year with the squares. I have so many numbers, that I win no matter what the number is. The only thing that matters is how much that square pays. I have like 2 250′s 5 100′s a ton of 50′s. I do not even bother with 10′s or 20′s.
Problem is that my numbers always suck. Ever wonder what the good numbers are?
!st Quarter
0 – hit 31 times, or 44 %
7 – 18 , 26%
3 – 15, 21%
4 – 5, 7%
6 – 1, 1%
1,2,5,8, and 9 have never appeared.
2nd Quarter
0 – 23, 33%
3 – 13, 19%
7 – 11, 16%
6 – 7, 10%
4 – 6,9%
8 – 3, 4%
1,2, and 9 have hit twice, or 3%
5 – 1, 1%
3rd Quarter
0 – 15, 21%
7 – 15, 21%
3 – 9, 13%
6 – 8, 11%
4 – 6, 9%
1 – 5, 7%
9 – 4, 6%
5, 8 have hit 3 times, or 4%
2 hit twice, or 3%
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor’s daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Lisa G
******************************
Dear Lisa G:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line . If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
Why do people always look at their kleenex or handkerchief after they have blown their nose in it? What are they looking for?
If you want to kill a day, talk to someone retired, or someone that is going through a divorce. Both of them will talk your ear off. There are people I know in business and my personal life that I hardly ever talked to. Then they retire, and i hear from them all the time. They have nothing to do ( I would like to try it) Have you ever noticed that a retired person will never go to the post office and the bank on the same day. That is two trips and it could kill two days not one. The person going through the divorce is a whole other animal. They want to tell you all of their problems. How they got screwed by the “X” and by the lawyer, and how the system sucks. They say shit, like I never liked that bitch anyway. I cannot believe i spent my whole life with that small dicked little asshole. Blah Blah Blah… I feel bad, but if they communicated this much with their spouse when they were married, they might not have been in this situation.
Sports:
I like the Steelers big in the super bowl. Arizona is a fraud. They played in the worst division, and they played the AFC East. Pats were down and the other 3 teams won like 6 games the year before. They backed in as they say. Some how they got by two games that the sorry NFC teams lost. The Steelers defense will smother their receivers and cause them to run with the 80 year old Edgerin James and not ready for prime time Hightower. Kurt Warner is 40 right?
everyone I run into in the last month has told me they lost 10-15 pounds. I do not see it. Talk to me in July
Why are suits coming back?
What happened to Global warming.
George Bush must be on a beach some place just laughing having a cold drink. Who the hell would want to be the president.
Five stinky foods
Cheese
Broccoli
Hard boiled eggs
asparagus -coming out
fish
we are in a bad recession now and it is getting worse. The BEST thing you can do, is keep your job. Once you lose that, the house of cards will start to fall. Keep your nose clean and work hard till the econmy gets better, then move along.
If you get a flu shot, you can bet you will be sick within two weeks.
I get sick to my stomach if i go out without my cell phone. That is ridiculous but true. try it. You feel like you are lost.
I cannot think what is the best invention in the last 10 years. Tivo, or GPS. I vote for TIVO. I guess if I were 70, I would have to vote for Viagra.
I cannot tell a joke anymore, because I read them and forward them to 10 people.
Lastly, the older i get, I realize, that the most important person in my life is my wife. Sometimes i feel sorry for her. especially when I fart and lock the car windows. That is just not right. I would be pissed if someone did it to me.
Cats suck. They are retired Verizon workers that have been reincarnated.
there are 700 channels on my TV why would you have to pay for the naked news. One I would listen to their commercials, and I might even watch the news.
reminds me. If we live in a politically correct world, is there another world I can go to? this is getting exhausting, always saying the right thing, when I am thinking something different. except for this blog i guess. It gives me a chance to air it out. if you do not like it, do not read it.
remember i am looking for guest blog posts. write something up and send it to me.
It was cold out and I had to go to work. I realized at that very moment, that I have 13 plus more years to work That is at least 3263 more ” getups” in my working life ( not including weekends, holiday’s and vacation).
If I had decided to go to work for the phone company when I got out of high school, not only would I not have to go to work today, but I probably would have not been going for a few years now.
as you may know, if you have been to any golf course during the day in the summer, there are only two kinds of people there. retired phone workers and retired teachers.
You want to know why there are no state and federal workers? hmm! that is because they get out even earlier and then go to work in the public sector to double dip their pensions.
So as I slave away day in and day out, while the guys my age that worked for the phone company play golf, I have to wonder why I never went to work for the phone company.
retired with full benefits, and what 80% of their pay? In my next life, it is up the pole for me. no shit i am not kidding. union… no stress… retirement package. Do they still get free phone service?
In a supermarket, Kurtis the stock boy, was busily working when a new voice
came over the loud speaker asking for a carry out at register 4. Kurtis was
almost finished, and wanted to get some fresh air, and decided to answer the
call. As he approached the check-out stand a distant smile caught his eye, the
new check-out girl was beautiful. She was an older woman (maybe 26, and he was
only 22) and he fell in love.
Later that day, after his shift was over, he waited by the punch clock to find
out her name. She came into the break room, smiled softly at him, took her card
and punched out, then left. He looked at her card, BRENDA. He walked out only
to see her start walking up the road. Next day, he waited outside as she left
the supermarket, and offered her a ride home. He looked harmless enough, and she
accepted. When he dropped her off, he asked if maybe he could see her again,
outside of work. She simply said it wasn’t possible.
He pressed and she explained she had two children and she couldn’t afford a
baby-sitter, so he offered to pay for the baby-sitter. Reluctantly she accepted
his offer for a date for the following Saturday. That Saturday night he arrived
at her door only to have her tell him that she was unable to go with him. The
baby-sitter had called and canceled. To which Kurtis simply said, “Well,
let’s take the kids with us.”
She tried to explain that taking the children was not an option, but again not
taking no for an answer, he pressed. Finally Brenda, brought him inside to meet
her children. She had an older daughter who was just as cute as a bug, Kurtis
thought, then Brenda brought out her son, in a wheelchair. He was born a
paraplegic with Down Syndrome.
Kurtis asked Brenda, “I still don’t understand why the kids can’t
come with us?” Brenda was amazed. Most men would run away from a woman
with two kids, especially if one had disabilities – just like her first husband
and father of her children had done. Kurtis was not ordinary – - – he had a
different mindset.
That evening Kurtis and Brenda loaded up the kids, went to dinner and the
movies. When her son needed anything Kurtis would take care of him. When he
needed to use the restroom, he picked him up out of his wheelchair, took him and
brought him back. The kids loved Kurtis. At the end of the evening, Brenda
knew this was the man she was going to marry and spend the rest of her life
with.
A year later, they were married and Kurtis adopted both of her children.
Since then they have added two more kids.
So what happened to Kurtis the stock boy and Brenda the check-out girl? Well,
Mr. & Mrs. Kurt Warner now live in Arizona , where he is currently employed
as the quarterback of the National Football League Arizona Cardinals and has his
Cardinals in the hunt for a possible appearance in the Super Bowl. Is this a
surprise ending or could you have guessed that he was not an ordinary person.
It should be noted that he also quarterbacked the Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. He has also been the NLF’s Most Valuable Player twice and the Super Bowl’s Most Valuable Player.
That being said, Monty likes the Steelers By 17 points
I do not know where the term came from, but I was told that the first HOT weather girl was a woman called bunny North.
My investigation of this has come up with nothing. I wore out the google search engine trying to find out the real answer.
I bring this up, because my good friend is always late for our morning workout, and when I ask him why, the answer is always the same.
He says ” I get up, make a cup of coffee, then I turn on the spanish channel and I turn down the sound ( I guess he does not understand Spanish. He would be screwed if he lived in California or Texas) I have to watch the hot latino chick on the weather channel”
This is sick I say. He says no, you have to watch it. She wears spandex, and has this low cut top on, and when she leans over to point to Cuba on the map, I almost spill my coffee.
What a perv! here I am sweating my ass off on the treadmill and he is on the couch watching the weather in the Caribbean with the sound off.
Now I am not going to lie to you, I love watching hot chicks on TV too, but sitting in my underwear at 5:00 AM watching a random Spanish channel with the sound down is a little weird. No wonder he is fatter than me.
Do I need a poll to see if you think he should have his picture up in the supermarket?
You be the judge.
Maybe DJ should try the naked News:
We are your weather girls and we have news for you...
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
> He began his
> round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
>
> On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
> his cell phone rang. It was their doctor notifying him that his wife
> had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and
> in the ICU.
>
> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
> he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
> leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
> decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
> hospital.
>
> He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
> personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
> beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant . . .
> then he
> remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw
> the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condit ion.
>
> The doctor glared at him and shouted, “YOU WENT AHEAD AND FINISHED
> YOUR ROUND OF GOLF, DIDN’T YOU?!
>
> “I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past
> four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
> languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished
> that round because it will be more than likely your last!”
> “For the rest of her life
> she will require ’round the clock care -and you’ll be her care giver!”
> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .
>
> The doctor snickered and said, “Just fuc&ing with you. She’s dead
> -what’d you shoot?”
I just got a shipment of jerky in from Wisconsin. My supplier Scott hooked me up again.
This guy is the emeril legasi of dried beef.
I do not know what it is, but this stuff is incredible. You cannot stop eating it. after you are done, your mouth is on fire from the pepper seasoning he puts on it.
It is great while you are drinking, or outside hanging around.
It is low carb and Atkins approved. If I could get enough of this stuff, I could be on the Jerky diet.
I buy that shit in the store occasionally, but it sucks. No flavor, and it is juicy.
Not for me at all.
I am all fired up about my jerky supply, but unless I learn how to make it, I will be out in a week.
I go to this restaurant about 4 times a year. Not because I do not like it, but because, how much can one person eat. Also Greg in the Epicurean club does not like it.
Well that is his opinion not mine. He is a picky bastard and doesn’t like too many places. So take my advice not his.
My first impression:
funny location, set back from the road with limited parking in front. bucolic and sophisticated.
Clientele:
Norwell crowd, 40′s and 50′s crowd good place to take a date, or have a special event for a small crowd.
Bar:
Crowded with couples, first stop before something that is going down later.
Food:
Great quality, average portions, nice presentation.
The menu is diverse, but I hate menus that are in Italian. excuse me, but we are in america, and chicken is called chicken not POLLO. It is cute, but it confuses me.
My last visit, I had the grey goose and Cranberry, followed up by an appetizer of two meatballs. Sounds weird, but they are to die for. soft, tasty and delisciocious ( thats italian I think). I then had the stuffed Pollo. Again delicious. I had to take much of it home, because the meatballs filled me up. They wheeled the dessert out, and I said no twice, before I got the ricotta pie. Again very good. They said it was from the North End.
Mrs Monty has this to say:
“The pumpkin ravioli was heaven on a plate. All the wonderful flavors melted in my mouth. I always offer samples of my dinner to everyone seated, but I was not sharing these delectable morsels . I was soooo disappointed when the end came and the plate was finished. No leftovers. ugghh! These ravioli’s deserve 5 stars. I would leave the big guy in a Monty minute for whoever made these. I cannot wait to go back. Greg is whacked if he does not like this place.”
Service:
Excellent. They always have a young staff that are well mannered and charming. That is sort of different than most places that have the older woman and the Brazilians waiting on you. It adds to the charm. John and his brother were our servers and the management and their parents should be proud of these two guys. they were very good.
I know I only eat here 4 times a year, but it is well worth it. I wish I could get here more often. Try it, you will like it.
It seems to be a hit or miss lately for me at new restaurants.
Mia Regazza is a big hit.
If first impressions mean anything, I would have been wrong. I met my usual dining friends there last week. I knew this place as the old Carmens. A Mexican restaurant that had its run ( it gave me the runs ) and it decided to close. They made the right choice when they sold to the couple that bought the place.
Mrs Monty and I were the first to arrive. The place was jammed. the bar that seats maybe 12 was jammed. I maneuvered around to 3 different places till I was able to get my captain and diet coke. I said no lime, and I got it without the lime. amazing. I said ” I am going to like this place”.
We shuffled around till the malingerers finally left the table for eight. By the way, if you come early , leave early. You screw up the timing and cost the waitress money. if you are going to hang late, get a late reservation.
We were finally seated. So far the restaurant is not impressing me. Just another place packed on a weekend night.
Then we met Kristen the waitress. She was a brilliant server. right on everything and funny. She really made you feel at home. The food was ordered and it was a variety from lobster to lasagna. I had the sausage soup and the veal chop. Both were extraordinary. The best was yet to come. NO not the desert, but the bill. We drank plenty and went from soup to nuts. The bill was very reasonable. Match that with stellar service and excellent food and you have a winner with Mia Regazza.
You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2008 Darwin awards.
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car k eys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who ‘totally zoned when he ran,’ accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third P lace
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standingat the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS…
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves… ‘S**t happens’!
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL
Loading ...
