My friend is a New Yorker, and a die hard pinstriper.He has penned a guest column. I think he did a great job. I took this guy to Fenway for a Yankee red Sox game one time, and he came in a Yankee ” RUTH” jersey. He took a beating and got covered in mustard and beer. That is a true fan. The consensus from Yankee fans, is that they are not happy buying a championship, but would rather earn it. Everybody would like to win at any cost, but , if the yankees win it just might be a tainted banner.
Mike writes:
Yes, I’m a Yankee fan writing a bit for the Monty Minute. Get over it. Now that I’ve cleared that up, it’s time to air my loots. Beginning in 1996, all was right in Yankeeland. A few championships here and there. One memorable asswhipping after another. And then in 2004, everything went wrong. It was painful enough to watch the Yankees choke the 2004 ALCS and to make things worse, the Sox went on to win it all. I called Hell, and it wasn’t frozen, pigs weren’t flying, and I checked my ass…….no monkeys flying out of it. I was scarred for life. AND, I had to watch this shit again in 2007. FUCK! What did I do to deserve this? I didn’t grow up kicking puppies, pushing kids down the stairs and lighting shit on fire. I want an explanation why I’ve been tortured for the last 4 years! (I know – A-Rod is a fag. But, that’s not good enough)
However disturbing that episode was, I’m here to bitch about something else. Apparently the Sox winning a title was even too much for Hankenstien to handle. He just went out and spent the gross domestic product of Rhode Island on 3 players. I am totally, irrevocably, undeniably embarrassed by this behavior. Rather than developing a farm system, the Yankees are handing out big contracts like Times Square hookers with a blue light special on blowjobs. Let’s take a closer look at what they ACTUALLY paid for:
C.C Sabathia: $161mm (average $23mm per season). OK, I’m telling everyone right now that this fat fuck is going to get “Pavano Syndrome” (a disease whereby stupid shit, like a knitting accident, keeps you out of the line-up indefinitely). This guy is built like Ralph Kramden. He’s going to pitch 3 games and then go down faster than a fat chick on a firepole. If I see this prick in any Manhattan restaurant with nothing more than a plate of broccoli in front of him, I’m going to drown him in whatever gravy laden dish he’s eating. And, to make matters worse, this fat pile of shit got $9mm before he even eats his first deep fried toddler in a pinstripe uniform.
Prediction: Permanent disabled list.
Mark Teixeria: $180mm (average $22.5mm per season). I don’t think this guy suffers from the “fat gene”, like the other waste of sperm, Sabathia. However, I’m sure Derek Jeter will be happy to hear that he’s no longer the most overrated player in the game. Move over Derek, there’s a bigger turd in the toilet. Hello Teixeria!!
Prediction: He’ll bat above the Mendoza line, but not over .300. Hello….say it with me now…..Jason Giambi “the Sequel”! $22.5mm of 8th slot DH garbage.
A.J. Burnett: $82.5mm (average $16.5mm per season) So what if the guy won 18 games last year? He LOST 10 and had an ERA over 4.00!! He’s getting $16mm for this? He’s 87-76 in his career? Is this what mediocrity is getting paid in 2009? Shit, I’m marching into my bosses office and demand a $16mm raise and vacation from October through March. After all, I had a better 2008 year than fucking Burnett.
Prediction: You’re looking at the 3rd most overrated player in baseball. Oh, and ironically, the 3rd most overrated player on the Yankees……..Teixeria, Jeter and Burnett (in that order)……with A-Rod a very close 4th.
And did anyone notice that they Yankees just got a new stadium paid for by the City of New York? The Yankees needing taxpayer funding for a new stadium is like when The Christian Children’s Fund made that Sally Struthers their pitch person for donations to feed poor kids. They draped her fat ass on a couch like Jabba the Hut and she begged for money for food. I can’t believe I live in this shithole state that actually gave the Yankees money. Seriously, folks, think about this one for a second or two.
Summation: The Yankees will probably roll over the league this year, but it won’t be any fun. Every time the Yankees put a “W” in the books, I’ll know that it will have cost an average of $2mm (based on 95 win season). Fuck!!!
Good Season: The Yanks win WS, but it’s not enjoyable.
Bad Season: The Yanks don’t win WS. All that means it that A-Rod is still a curse.
REALLY bad season: Red Sox win WS again. I’m committing harry carrey in the middle of Times Square.
1 comment so far ↓
Mike, Great article. I like a person that can look at their team without rose colored glasses. I agree with your comments except for maybe Mark T. I think he will be better than you predict. But AJ will be hurt 80% of his contract and CC will require a piano sized coffin before the end of his.
Later, Riles
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