Entries from January 2009 ↓

Last week I wrote about goals and how you should write them down and follow through with them. Become accountable to yourself.

Well I am well on my way to accomplishing many of my goals. personal and business.

However, sometimes in life you come to a detour, and your goals need to be questioned or diverted.

Here is what went down.

I signed up for a dancing class:

Why:

• I wanted to learn to dance
• I wanted to do it for the wife
• it was a reachable and achievable goal

All admirable thoughts right?

Wrong! I forgot one important fact. I cannot friggin dance a lick! it is like a blind man making a goal to be a pilot. Disaster is just around the corner

I get tothe church on a Friaday night ( Bad idea to start with, it cut into my drinking time at Hajjar’s) It is old church. we are shuttled to the basement. I should have run then. The others were all older than me and I was born at the same time as “dirt”

We pay our hundo, go to the hall and we split up men on this side and woman on the other. Ok I am with them so far. but hmmm there are ten woman and 4 men.

I have two thoughts now, how did these other 6 guys get out of this, and then i realized that no man would have any of these other unattached woman. I get over it quick, because I was the lucky one who brought his own chick, and she is BY FAR the prettiest woman there.

I always say ” dance with who ya brung”

So the old dude that is running the night says we are going to learn the Cha Cha. Shit, what is that I said. All I was looking for is to learn how to not look like an asshole if i have to get up and dance at one of my kids weddings. shit the friggin cha cha.

We start with this rocking motion and then we go left and then right and back and forth. I am tied up like someone trying to run in a fish net.

I start to sweat at this moment, because just then i realize two things. I cannot dance, I willl never be able to dance and how did I get here, and how do i get out.

I manage to remain vertical. I do not fall. Now he say’s we are going to dance with everyone. That means I have to dance with ALL of these woman.

Run I say to myself. I am frozen with fear. He turns on his $15 sears CD player from the 70′s and off we go.

I take a deep breath. My first encounter is with a vertically challanged woman. She is looker with big tits so I go for it. She starts laughing and says Monty i cant do this. In my head i agree with her.

My next partner is the lovely Mrs Monty Whew a break! She spends the whole 2 minutes begging me to give it a chance and I am telling her I cannot do this.

I move again this time I get My friend Darlene. I am still ok and I am in my comfort zone, I know everyone so far. Darlene tries her best to take the lead and proceeds to pull my arms out of my sockets to get something going. Nice try, but I am not buying in.

We are about to make another switch. I look left and the next woman is 64 years old, plaid shirt and orange hair. She has a grin from ear to ear. I do what I should have done in the beginning.

I RAN AS FAST AS I COULD OUT OF THERE.

I think my goals next year will be more realistic.

Fred Astaire

This is the age old question. You can have both. I am living proof of that.

But if you had to decide which to have, what would it be? I have always believed that it would be better to have looks.

It opens doors. Shallow people will always talk to an attractive person.

They get the jobs.

They get elected.

They get picked out of a line.

Think of almost all singers. They are beautiful. Can they sing any better than some other person. I doubt it. But they are hot.

Same with TV actors,  guys and girls. They are all hot. Lets say there is a TV show about a hospital. The nurses are hot, the doctors are hot. The administrator is hot. the frigging cleaning guy is hot. AND they are all ballin each other.

This is just the way it is in life. Other than Bill gates, most of the ridh people are good looking. and They have good looking kids. Even if you are a bad looking rich guy who made a lot of money ( hmm Billy Joel, Imus ) Then you marry a beautiful woman. Billy Joel did not marry a Pulitzer prize winner, No friggin way, he married a model.           DER!!!

Boardroom

OR

Bedroom

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I will give it a couple of years ……

Here is something that has not made sense to me in years. I pay through the nose for auto insurance ( Scumbag insurance companies always have their hand in my pocket. What a racket. Try to find your agent unless you are at the golf course, good luck )  I digress

Oh ya Old people and insurance.

Do you know that you get a 25% DISCOUNT WHEN YOU TURN 65!!!!

Are you shitting me. That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Old people cannot drive. They cause more accidents than anybody.

Since my mom turned 75, she has hit everything but the lottery.

So insurance companies give them 25% off.

Think about how stupid that is.

They are clueless, they do not use blinkers, they cannot turn around to see what is behind them, They have forgotten where they are going once they get in the car. They do not work, so they are driving all the time.

Somebody please fix a broken system.

PS If you see an old person get in the car in front of a dunkin donuts and you are inside. Get out of the way. There is a 50% chance that they are coming through the window. Beware.

I thought it was in reverse??

picture from a beerfest

Is that a stain on his crotch?

Cela’s  Quincy Ma

open every day Monday to Friday 12:00 pm  to 10:00 pm, Saturday 4:00 pm to 11:00 pm and Sunday 4:00 pm to 9:00 pm.

So much for the promotional piece. Now for an opinion of Cela’s.

Don asked us to go with him to a new restaurant he found in Quincy ( home of the presidents) I said sure. lets do it. What do they do well? I asked. He said the homemade pasta is fantastico.

So I threw the atkins diet out the window and off we went for a 8:45  reservation.

Parking was ample in the double decker parking lot out back.

I think the restaurant is where F.W. Woolworth used to be. That was sandwiched between Remicks and the bargain center.

I digress

we were seated at a lovely round table with a table cloth. Don love’s table linen.

The waitress took my drink order. I said” Captain Morgan and Diet coke “NFL” ( NO FRIGGIN LIME) she says no lime. and I nod my head YES!!         NO LIME I say. A cherry would be great. I look over at Mrs monty and I say 100% chance I am getting a LIME.

The waitress returns with the drinks, and guess what. It is chock full of lime. I look at her like I am going to kill somebody. She realizes the mistake and sticks her fingers in the drink pulls out the LIME and hands it to me , like no problem.

I did not want the lime and you can guess where that hand has been.

My dining partners say ” get over it” I have,  I am used to it. I get a lime 80% of the time I ask for NO LIME.

I ordered the special. Veal Chop. it was just fair, and it came with cous cous. That stuff sucks. It is an italian place, I should have got pasta. But I am glad I did not, because everybody that did, got a soggy plate of washed out pasta.

One positive was the Sausage Minestrone. It was phenominal. If you go here, get the soup and screw.

Before we left, I have to tinkle, so I go to the bathroom. It is not in the restaurant, but out the front door and across the hall in this office building.

The urinal was almost at ground level, the dispenser had no towels ( the bartender probably pee’d there before he squeezed the lime in my drink). In the toilet, someone had left it without flushing, and it had paper all over the floor. * see the pictures below.

Low Urinal

inoperative

unflushed

The one good thing besides the soup, was that it appears to be a lesbian bar at night. ( who doesnt like a nice lipstick lesbian?) I counted 29 woman and  1 guy in the bar part as we were leaving.

Cela gets 1.5  Monty stars.

They could do better, but this is ONLY my opinion.

Beware of a new scam that is going around.

Snow is falling in the Northeast and with that there are people out there trying to take advantage of us older folks that cannot shovel any longer.

Just the other day, two cute little girls came to my door and said ” hey mister, can we shovel your driveway? I said sure, but are you sure you can? you look small and frail. And secondly how much? I am watching my money more closely lately.

They said only Fifty dollars. That sounded good to me , as my daughters boyfriend  who usually does it , and you never know when he is going to show up.

So I said sure go ahead. If you need any help, let me know and I will send Mrs monty out to help.

To make a long story short, I was going out, so i gave them the Money and said i would be back in an hour. I said if you do a walk out front and in back for my dog Zack to pee, I would give them another $20 when i returned.

Off i go to the store. I get back and the friggin driveway is still snowed in, no path and Mrs Monty is pissed.

I got screwed again, but this time by these cute little girls.

They might come by your neighborhood, and if they do, do not give them any money till they do the job.

Do Not be a sap like me.

If it helps, I have a grainy picture i took with my IPHONE

Maybe you can make out their faces. The two faced little bitches. They will probably be by in their lil girl scout outfits selling cookies next week.

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$500 reward for their return

If  you do, please return her to me.

Her name is ” Lucky”

Here is a picture if it helps.

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There are two things I hate, and that bug me. ( obviously not the only two, if you read this blog regularly, you know that everything bothers me).

BUT today I report on two types of annoying people. Passers and draggers.

The first is the phone passer.

They are on the phone and they are talking and in the middle of the conversation, they go something like this. ” let me put Monty on”

Monty does not want to talk to them, Monty wants to run. But the phone is passed on and I  am stuck talking to that person I never wanted to talk to.

How many times have you been next to someone on the phone and you are shaking your arms above your head like a crazy person saying no I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO THEM. Or your arm is out straight like a traffic cop and the finger is shaking east to west saying   “NO”.   But the person still hands the phone to you.

You know I am right.     two people do this to you, your family and drunks. In some of your cases, that is pretty much the same.

The second type is the dragger. You know who you are, you go up on the dance floor and spend the whole time waving your hands to the people sitting down to come up.

These people do not want to come up. if you want to dance FINE go ahead. leave me the fuck alone. if you were dragged up by whoever brought you and you are miserable, it is not my problem it is yours. So, just do your thing and stop trying to drag my ass up with you.

If you have seen me dance, you know why people do it. I make them look good. They know my antics will take the attention away from them.

The other kind of dragger to be aware of is the dragger at the beach.

They stand in the 50 degree water waving their hands to come in, but in the meantime, their lips are blue and they have such shrinkage, that you would think they are Irish.

How about the dragger that is at a bar and they start drunk dialing ( a whole blog post in itself) They try to get you to come down, Why would you? They are already drunk, you cannot catch up fast enough and you just end up driving their drunk ass home.

I might be a bit of a phone passer, but I am definately not a dragger.

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A study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
– Further studies are expected.

"Be afraid, be very afraid"

I have mentioned my buddies name to quite a few people and I always get the same response. ” Who the Hell is Don Allan” ?

Don is somebody who is bigger than life. Don is all about excess. Have you heard that saying? If you want something done, then give the job to a busy person. Well that busy person is Don Allan. He has more energy than NSTAR.

Don has a huge heart. He has done some charitable things for some people that 99% of us would not. Not that we would not want to, but we would never have the gumption to follow through, or the energy for that matter.

I guess the reason for the BIO on the Monty Minute is that for somebody, who appears to do so much, that they must be a windbag, or 10 pounds of bullshit in a 5 pound bag.

Well after some investigation, I found out, that this self proclaimed geek, and Mclovin look alike, actually did serve his country in the Coast Guard, and he was an athlete. I have pictures to prove it.

Ellen might be “ALL SET” with the Coast Guard, Hockey and Don Allan, but we know one thing, Don is a doer, and tells the truth.

This is who the hell Don Allan is:

Coastie

#14 in your program from Hough's Neck

Hockey dad

My friend is a New Yorker, and a die hard pinstriper.He  has penned a guest column. I think he did a great job. I took this guy to Fenway for a Yankee red Sox game one time, and he came in a Yankee ” RUTH” jersey. He took a beating and got covered in mustard and beer. That is a true fan. The consensus from Yankee fans, is that they are not happy buying a championship, but would rather earn it. Everybody would like to win at any cost, but , if the yankees win it just might be a tainted banner.

Mike writes:

Yes, I’m a Yankee fan writing a bit for the Monty Minute. Get over it. Now that I’ve cleared that up, it’s time to air my loots. Beginning in 1996, all was right in Yankeeland. A few championships here and there. One memorable asswhipping after another. And then in 2004, everything went wrong. It was painful enough to watch the Yankees choke the 2004 ALCS and to make things worse, the Sox went on to win it all. I called Hell, and it wasn’t frozen, pigs weren’t flying, and I checked my ass…….no monkeys flying out of it. I was scarred for life. AND, I had to watch this shit again in 2007. FUCK! What did I do to deserve this? I didn’t grow up kicking puppies, pushing kids down the stairs and lighting shit on fire. I want an explanation why I’ve been tortured for the last 4 years! (I know – A-Rod is a fag. But, that’s not good enough)

However disturbing that episode was, I’m here to bitch about something else. Apparently the Sox winning a title was even too much for Hankenstien to handle. He just went out and spent the gross domestic product of Rhode Island on 3 players. I am totally, irrevocably, undeniably embarrassed by this behavior. Rather than developing a farm system, the Yankees are handing out big contracts like Times Square hookers with a blue light special on blowjobs. Let’s take a closer look at what they ACTUALLY paid for:

C.C Sabathia: $161mm (average $23mm per season). OK, I’m telling everyone right now that this fat fuck is going to get “Pavano Syndrome” (a disease whereby stupid shit, like a knitting accident, keeps you out of the line-up indefinitely). This guy is built like Ralph Kramden. He’s going to pitch 3 games and then go down faster than a fat chick on a firepole. If I see this prick in any Manhattan restaurant with nothing more than a plate of broccoli in front of him, I’m going to drown him in whatever gravy laden dish he’s eating. And, to make matters worse, this fat pile of shit got $9mm before he even eats his first deep fried toddler in a pinstripe uniform.

Prediction: Permanent disabled list.

Mark Teixeria: $180mm (average $22.5mm per season). I don’t think this guy suffers from the “fat gene”, like the other waste of sperm, Sabathia. However, I’m sure Derek Jeter will be happy to hear that he’s no longer the most overrated player in the game. Move over Derek, there’s a bigger turd in the toilet. Hello Teixeria!!

Prediction: He’ll bat above the Mendoza line, but not over .300. Hello….say it with me now…..Jason Giambi “the Sequel”! $22.5mm of 8^th slot DH garbage.

A.J. Burnett: $82.5mm (average $16.5mm per season) So what if the guy won 18 games last year? He LOST 10 and had an ERA over 4.00!! He’s getting $16mm for this? He’s 87-76 in his career? Is this what mediocrity is getting paid in 2009? Shit, I’m marching into my bosses office and demand a $16mm raise and vacation from October through March. After all, I had a better 2008 year than fucking Burnett.

Prediction: You’re looking at the 3^rd most overrated player in baseball. Oh, and ironically, the 3^rd most overrated player on the Yankees……..Teixeria, Jeter and Burnett (in that order)……with A-Rod a very close 4^th.

And did anyone notice that they Yankees just got a new stadium paid for by the City of New York? The Yankees needing taxpayer funding for a new stadium is like when The Christian Children’s Fund made that Sally Struthers their pitch person for donations to feed poor kids. They draped her fat ass on a couch like Jabba the Hut and she begged for money for food. I can’t believe I live in this shithole state that actually gave the Yankees money. Seriously, folks, think about this one for a second or two.

Summation: The Yankees will probably roll over the league this year, but it won’t be any fun. Every time the Yankees put a “W” in the books, I’ll know that it will have cost an average of $2mm (based on 95 win season). Fuck!!!

Good Season: The Yanks win WS, but it’s not enjoyable.

Bad Season: The Yanks don’t win WS. All that means it that A-Rod is still a curse.

REALLY bad season: Red Sox win WS again. I’m committing harry carrey in the middle of Times Square.

I cannot believe I waited a whole year to share my thoughts on the “CG”.

I eat every where and”  I love steakhouses”,

they are my favorite.

My favorite: bar none, is The Capital Grille.

In Boston, this was one of the first high end Steakhouses. Many have tried to follow and failed. If you have read my recent reviews of The Palms and Flemming’s, you will know that I can be a tough judge.

I had a chance to Eat at the capital, twice this week. last Saturday night in Boston, on Newbury Street and on New years eve in Providence. Both were excellent. The food consistant and GREAT, and the service terrific.

I have eaten at maybe 8 of the restaurants around the country, but Boston is my favorite. I used to work a couple of doors down. The rich wood makes it feel like a steak house. the tables are a little close, and you can hear the people next to you and you get a back rub sometimes when people walk by, but that might be the only slight downside. many might consider that part of the eclectic charm of it all.

What made me write, was my New Years visit to the Grille in providence. We had a 8:45 reservation. It was bitter cold out and we ducked in early to have some drinks and wait. We asked if it was possible to get seated early and we were accomodated. That was very nice. We sat at a booth and my friend who is ultra picky, asked for a change of seating. We were switched to the wine room without hesitation or an issue. again a nice surprise.

Kyle Mitchell

It was our luck too, because we got an extremely nice waiter in Kyle Mitchell. he was charming, smart and seemed to have all the time in the world for us and made the experience great.

The pregame bread was as usual terrific. I  like the matzo with some butter and that raisin bread is to die for.

I stayed away from the seafood tower, but try it you will like it.

I had the onion soup and the 20 ounce bone in sirlion.

To steal a line from Campbell soup it was HMMMM HMMM Good.  I was instructed by Kyle that if I got the medium rare that it would come with a warm RED center. That is exactly the way it arrived. I surveyed the wifes delmonico that was medium and

My actual soup

thought I liked that look even better. Kyle took it back with a smile and returned shortly with it just the way I wanted it. the manager also dropped by to see if I was happy.

Happy, I was ecstatic. A great soup, a big steak and a “Stoli Doli” who wouldn’t be happy.

Providence Capital Grille and the whole chain get the first ever Monty Minute ***** FIVE STAR RATING

Kudos to the “CG” and I hope to see you there.

Monty

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , recently went to the local church for confession. The priest slid open the panel in the confessional.

The man said: “Father … During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.”


The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”


“There is more to tell, Father… She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays. “

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest

“Do I have to tell her the war is over?”

Great Italians

Sophia -NOW!