Joke of the day

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asks the Mother Superior ’I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?’ ‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister.
‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must
tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother –
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And
it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.. and it
hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that
didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother Superior!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from
God , this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies
off, with my ball still clutched in its claws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

*”Married Life”

*After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed.  One evening, the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower belly.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”"

“I found the remote,” he said.