“Of course I won’t laugh, I’m a professional nurse. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

Things went downhill from there.

My Mom went to high school in Brooklyn with Joe Paterno and his brother. Just think, if mom had just flirted a little with Joe Paterno, I might have had a free ride to Penn State?  Then again, I might have had a big nose like JOPa so I guess she did the right thing.

Mom and the Paterno Boy

Another made up holiday, so we can have a day off in February. One of the bullshit holidays. I include Columbus day, Veterans day, Labor day, Presidents day and Of Course MLK day. At least we get a day off for these made up holidays.

If it is black history month? Black people should get the whole month off. I also think that white history month should be July. My people should get that month off. If I am going to be off for months at a time, like a teacher, I want it to be the summer.

What does presidents day mean to me. Nothing absolutely nothing. In the old days, when people had money, they bought cars on this day. Of the 44 presidents, I do not think I can name even half. I would have a hard time just naming the ones while I have been alive. My two favorites in my lifetime have been Jack Kennedy. He was from Mass, and he was banging hot chicks, while in office. I guess if Clinton were from Mass I would have to like him too, as he was banging chicks in the oval office also.

I liked Reagan the most. He was wholesome, smart, caring and a no nonsense guy.

Can you name all four?????

"name em"

What is the chance of this dude making the rock in 100 years?

How many members of the Obama household does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Barack holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

—————

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Barack

Barack who?

If this place is barackin’ don’t come a knockin’

This may or may not surprise you, but I must have 20 male friends with animal names. I do not even know their real names in some cases.

Here are a few that I can think of. many of them are duplicates. For instance i know two mooses and 3 dogs.

Moose (2)

Dog(3)

Fox

Bear

Fish- this could apply to most. I thought his name was fish because of his drinking problem, but I guess his dad owned a fish store and that is where it came from.

Seadog  

Pelican

Squid

Bird

Mouse 

Shark

bambi

Learn to talk like me in five minutes it is easy. There are a few basic sayings and greetings that can make you really look smart. No charge, because I have stolen every saying and every joke I have ever had.

For instance. After I tell a joke, I always finish with ” that is my only______Joke. You fill in the blank with the type of joke, like blonde, or polish, or whatever subject it is.

This can help you in everyday life too. Try these out.

YOU’RE  THE BEST- You use this in every situation. whenever someone does anything, you always say “your the best”

YOU’RE KILLIN ME- You use this whenever someone has done something stupid, or they frustrate you.

EVERYDAY IS CHRISTMAS- You use this when someone asks how you are doing.

LOVELY-You can use this randomly to describe anything from a feeling to an object. It helps to pronounce it luuuvly .

I’M NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU/NO WORD OF A LIE- You use this when telling the truth or when lying to someone. Use it anytime. It makes people wonder if you are or you are not.

HI GUY- Stupid saying that I picked up from Skippy. I do not know what it means, but if you see someone from Weymouth or around the boatyard, you say HI Guy and they do not even look at you like you are a weirdo.

DON’T BE WHAT PEOPLE CALL YOU- You use this when you are saying goodbye. It is effective if you say it just before you exit or turn the corner. It has to be the last thing you hear. It leaves you with wonder. What the fuck do they call me?

AWESOME, PERFECT,EXCELLENT- This is an answer to How are you. Why would someone say OK, or i’m alright I guess.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?- you use this when someone says something stupid. I have to use this with Greg alot, he is a contrarian, and says stuff for the shock value.

LUV YA MAN-I always say this to my boyfriend Hussey just before I hang up. Mrs Monty has some serious questions when she hears that one.

THAT’S HOW I ROLL-You use this when you have unexplained behavior. say this when someone looks at you with a raised eyebrow, and they think you are weird.

I have more, but I have to think about it. This is a good time to send in a COMMENT. you may have others that I cannot think of.

If you fear Friday the 13th, then batten down the hatches. This week’s unlucky day is the first of three this year.

The next Friday the 13th comes in March, followed by Nov. 13. Such a triple whammy comes around only every 11 years, said Thomas Fernsler, a math specialist at the University of Delaware who has studied the number 13 for more than 20 years.

By the numbers

Here are 13 more facts about the infamous day, courtesy of Fernsler and some of our own research:

1. The British Navy is said to have built a ship named Friday the 13th, or the HMS Friday, which on its maiden voyage left dock on a Friday the 13th, and was never heard from again. As LiveScience readers pointed out, however, this story seems to be a legend. The Royal Navy Museum states on its web site that this story, which has been told before, is a hoax. “There has never been a Royal Navy ship named HMS Friday – or after any other day of the week for that matter,” the museum states.

2. The ill-fated Apollo 13 launched at 13:13 CST on Apr. 11, 1970. The sum of the date’s digits (4-11-70) is 13 (as in 4+1+1+7+0 = 13). And the explosion that crippled the spacecraft occurred on April 13 (not a Friday). The crew did make it back to Earth safely, however.

3. Many hospitals have no room 13, while some tall buildings skip the 13th floor.

4. Fear of Friday the 13th – one of the most popular myths in science – is called paraskavedekatriaphobia as well as friggatriskaidekaphobia. Triskaidekaphobia is fear of the number 13.

5. Quarterback Dan Marino wore No. 13 throughout his career with the Miami Dolphins. Despite being a superb quarterback (some call him one of the best ever), he got to the Super Bowl just once, in 1985, and was trounced 38-16 by the San Francisco 49ers and Joe Montana (who wore No. 16 and won all four Super Bowls he played in).

6. Butch Cassidy, notorious American train and bank robber, was born on Friday, April 13, 1866.

7. Fidel Castro was born on Friday, Aug. 13, 1926.

8. President Franklin D. Roosevelt would not travel on the 13th day of any month and would never host 13 guests at a meal. Napoleon and Herbert Hoover were also triskaidekaphobic, with an abnormal fear of the number 13.

9. Superstitious diners in Paris can hire a quatorzieme, or professional 14th guest.

10. Mark Twain once was the 13th guest at a dinner party. A friend warned him not to go. “It was bad luck,” Twain later told the friend. “They only had food for 12.”

11. Woodrow Wilson considered 13 his lucky number, though his experience didn’t support such faith. He arrived in Normandy, France on Friday, Dec. 13, 1918, for peace talks, only to return with a treaty he couldn’t get Congress to sign. (The ship’s crew wanted to dock the next day due to superstitions, Fernsler said.) He toured the United States to rally support for the treaty, and while traveling, suffered a near-fatal stroke.

12. The number 13 suffers from its position after 12, according to numerologists who consider the latter to be a complete number – 12 months in a year, 12 signs of the zodiac, 12 gods of Olympus, 12 labors of Hercules, 12 tribes of Israel, 12 apostles of Jesus, 12 days of Christmas and 12 eggs in a dozen.

13. The seals on the back of a dollar bill include 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 stars above the eagle’s head, 13 war arrows in the eagle’s claw and 13 leaves on the olive branch. So far there’s been no evidence tying these long-ago design decisions to the present economic situation.

Origins of Friday the 13th

Where’s all this superstition come from? Nobody knows for sure. But it may date back to Biblical times (the 13th guest at the Last Supper betrayed Jesus). By the Middle Ages, both Friday and 13 were considered bearers of bad fortune.

“Hey, it’s Mark McGwire. Want to get together this week and not talk about the past?”

“Joe Torre here — thanks for helping book sales”

“Could you find a steroid that keeps you from choking in the playoffs?”

“Are you worried this will taint all the championships you didn’t win?”

“It’s Bernie Madoff. Nice try but I’m still the most hated man in New York”

“Michael Phelps here. Got any snacks?”

“This is Sammy Sosa. Just pretend you don’t speak English”

“Michael Phelps again. Did I call you or did you call me?”

“Hey, it’s Rod Blagojevich — I’ll say you’re innocent, if you say I am”

“It’s Monty. You suck and the Yankees suck, and did I tell you that you suck.”

I am going to write this post at my peril. I might come home and find my clothes out on the lawn ( in a recycle bin of course!)

I am married to a trash nazi. She loves trash and dealing with it. You cannot throw anything away without an argument.

Cardboard here, glass there ( by color) cans here. returnables over there. tins and foils in that bin, garbage here and plastic in one of those three bins depending on color and the number on the bottom.

AAAAGGHH!

It used to be so easy. When I was a kid, we put the garbage out in a few barrels on the side of the road. the garbage and old stinky food ( BGD before garbage disposals) went in a can below the ground. once every couple of weeks a guy would come and take it out of the ground. That might have been the ultimate ” Dirty Job”. when we had paper we went to the backyard, where we had a 55 gallon steel drum. we put the paper in and burned it. This was actually fun, and a family get together.

Then as I got older and was on my own, we took all the trash and I mean all the trash. food paper paint anything and put it in to a green trash bag and off I went to the dump.

Now we are in the recycle world. I cannot throw anything away, and what makes it worse, is when I got to the dump it is like a an all day event.

God forbid you have to throw away a bike, or a couch or a battery or a fridge or a computer. That is all in a seperate place WITH AN EXTRA CHARGE……..

This is more of a rant on trash and the dump than the post heading. I only bring this up because if it were not for Mrs Monty the queen of trash, it would all be going in a GREEN bag and in the big hole.

If you ever want to mess with a recycle person, just throw everything in the kitchen trash can and watch them dive in.  It makes them crazy. take a pot pie package. You have to tear it apart. The metal goes in one place, and the plastic in another, then the cardboard has to be broken down and put someplace else.

Question: just wondering? How many years does it take for a Big Wheel to be broken down in a landfill?

See Ya at the dump soon!

Monty

“There were 1.5 million people at the inauguration and only 14 missed work.”

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asks the Mother Superior ’I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?’ ‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister.
‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must
tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother –
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And
it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.. and it
hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that
didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother Superior!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from
God , this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies
off, with my ball still clutched in its claws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

*”Married Life”

*After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed.  One evening, the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower belly.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”"

“I found the remote,” he said.

I am adding a new guest Columnist to The Monty Minute.

We are in tough financial times, and it seems that all people want to talk about is the economy. When I have a question about money, I go to Frank.

Frank has a keen business sense. He is a retired CFO of a car company, and spends most of his day making, saving and managing money. He might be on the conservative side, but none the less, I trust his opinions on money matters.

Dear Frank:

I have five thousand dollars that I want to keep safe. Should I buy a CD
or treasury?

signed,

desperate in Dedham

Dear Desperate:

Frankly, it depends whether you’ll be needing the money any time soon. Assuming you’re not, a short term CD is your best bet. You can open one at any bank or credit union. In the case of a treasury, you will have to establish a Treasury Direct Account, which will require a destination account be opened, it would take a little chasing around. If there may be a need for the money soon, a money market account would be the way to go. Remember, be sure you are covered by FDIC insurance.

Monty’s advice:

Hey Dead ham desperado, take the 5 g’s and get yourself a $500 hooker. go out to dinner at the capital grill. go crazy. take the remaining $4000 and go to Foxwoods. put it all on red at the roulette table. If you win, tip the hooker, and then go to the bank and get a CD with the $8500. You are now way ahead.

Dear Frank:

I have 130,000 in a home mortgage at 5.65 fixed 3o years and 30,000 in
consumer debt.
Should I refinance the whole shabang at 5.85 30 years, or take a
home equity loan  fixed at 6.0 for the 30,000 and leave my mortgage alone?

Broke in Brockton

Dear B in B:

Frankly, you should not have that much credit card debt. Do not refinance the mortgage. First, scout around to determine if you can obtain another credit card company to consolidate the debt at an reasonable rate, and work it down. If not, take the home equity loan. Be sure you are comfortable with the payment schedule, when you’re finished paying it off your original mortgage will be that much closer to being paid off, if you later on sell the home you’ll have that much more in equity.

Monty’s advice:

Dear Brockton Boxer:

What are you a moron? You bought a house in Brockton, and now you want advice. You should have your head examined Too late now for advice. Stop paying the mortgage get foreclosed on and move on up to an upscale neighborhood like Whitman.

Monty

Dear Frank:

What is the difference between a Roth IRA and a Simple IRA ?  Which is
better?

Simple Simon

Dear Simple:

Frankly, each has some advantage over the other. The Roth is funded with after tax money, and has an income restriction. The advantage here is that all of the gains are tax free after 59 1/2 years of age. The Simple is funded with before tax money which lowers your current tax bite, but when you draw on it at the same age, you’ll be taxed as ordinary income. You’re personal situation will dictate which is better for you.

Monty’s advice:

Dear Simon:

Ira, Roth? What the hell are these? I thought Ira and Roth were two Jewish guys from Newton.

Monty

Dear Frank:

I have 25,000 in the bank but owe 25,000 on a home equity loan at 6 %
should I pay it off ?

Confused in Cohasett:

Dear Confused:

Frankly, if you are in a position to service this debt, keep paying it down. In times like these,you want to have some “powder dry” in event you suffer an interruption of income, or some other immediate need for the money. That being said, this is a situation I would revisit regularly and act in a manner consistent with your then situation.

Monty’s advice:

Dear Cohasett Clipper:

A guy from Cohasett with just $25,000 in the bank? HMMM your the one. I knew there was one broke ass person in that ritzy smitzy little town. Keep your mouth shut and do not let anybody know your broke. You might get shipped out to Weymouth.

PS Do you wear your sweaters, or do you just hang it over your shoulders?

Monty

Spend your money wisely.

Birthdays have two meanings. One is a celebration of the day you were born, and the other is actually your “Birth Day”

Today is both for me.

First my mom’s birthday is today,

Second, my friends Andy and Julie had their first child  Michael Andrew McCormack

Congrats to both.

Mom and Craiger

I woke up this morning like any other morning. My behavior patterns are usually about the same.

The alarm rings at 5:15. I hit the snooze till 5:24, then again at 5:33. I finally roll out of bed at 5:45.

I hit the bathroom take a piss, then I brush my teeth, then I start the pill thing.

Let’s digress and discuss This…

I take so many pills, it is like opening up a bag of skittles and chugging them down.

small white oval- for blood pressure

white diamond- allergies

purple capsule- acid reflux

1/2 a green tab- for cholesterol

brown capsule- to help bowel movement

white round pill- bayer to stop a shock

blue capsule- for A.D.D.

Large oval- for sore joints

Fred flintstone- vitamin

Blue triangle- ER  haha only kidding on this one

seriously, this is crazy how many pills I take.

Anyway I digressed.

So I get dressed put my shoes on, pick up my towel and my gym stuff and off to the gym I go. Everything is OK to this point. I open my locker put my stuff down and start to get undressed. At this point I notice that I am screwed. I look down at my feet and this is what I see:

mismatch

I cannot believe it. I put on two different shoes. one a slip on and one a tie shoe. How could I be that stupid.

I have put on two different color socks plenty of times. One time I put my wifes sheer thigh high stockings in my gym bag. I wore those all day and almost got away with it till one of the woman in the office noticed. I had some splaining to do that day.

Anyway, no one noticed, but you would have to figure that I had a ton of meetings that day.

I think I am losing it? What do you think?

Depending on where you are from, the words cocktail shrimp mean something to you.

For most of us Cocktail Shrimp look like this.

Hanover Shrimp

For others of you, from Rockland, or Wellsville, or the South, the term “Cocktail Shrimp”  Has a whole other meaning:

Rockland Cocktail Shrimp

Do you see what I mean? I was unaware of the difference until I attended a few functions in Rockland. You do not even want to know what they think Scallops and bacon are…..

Jeans label

These labels suck. Am I the only one that does not like their waist size advertised to the world. I know I am built like a fridge. I remember when I was a 33W 33L  now I am a 40W 30 L  if I get the stretch waist. For normal jeans, I am 42W 30 L

Am I the only one that takes a pen and carefully doctors up the numbers so that i am a 38W 32L. It is deceptive, but it makes me feel better. It is like taking a Lexus 460L logo and putting it on a Hyundai.

This shit is wrong and discriminating. We need a movement and a mail campaign started right now to have this practice STOPPED.

I beg you to stop buying jeans now that show the size. Why cant we customize our size? It is only Levi’s and Wranglers. My “Apple Bottom” jeans have no mention of my size.

Monty

I opened my mail bag today and I got this from a reader. I know what he is talking about.

Dear Monty:

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently and when I ask their names, she always says, just some friends from work and you don’t know them. I have tried to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never brought up the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with ‘the girls. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

A Concerned Golfer

Bacon Explosion

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