Ask Monty

The mailbag is full again. The thirst for my wisdom is overwhelming. people just need to know the answers to life.

Today, I am going to tackle some of the medical questions I get all the time.

Monty

I have been diagnosed with diabetes, I am frightened what do I do?

signed

shipwrecked @ Tern

Dear shipwrecked:

Have a doughnut! have a dozen doughnuts. You were happy before you got diabetes right? How did you get it? by eating too much and getting fat. So why stop now. load up on the sugars and carbs. Remember, you were happy when you were fat.

Dear Monty:

I have TB and Lime disease. What do i do? Where do i go from here?

Signed,

stuck @ the 19th hole

Dear overtime golfer:

Alright, TB!   not what you think. The doctor meant TB “TWO BELLIES”

You are just fat. Too many dinners out and too much time at the 19th hole.

watch for ticks

You need to go from the cart after 18, and head home.

As far as the lime disease, try a cherry in your Captain and coke. It works for me. If that does not work, stay out of the woods. Hit a seven wood off the tee instead of the driver. The woods are full of long hitters and ticks. Heeellooo!You get lime disease from ticks.

Dear Monty

I am fair skinned and i get burned all the time. If I step outside, I burn. If I stay under a lamp too long i burn. I put bottles and bottles of sun screen on and I still burn. I do not have a friend left that will rub it on my back. What do i do?

Signed

Burned in the Birches

Dear RED!

I think the answer is to become a Muslim. Get one of those attractive smocks that wrap around your whole body and cover your face. No sun will ever get through.

Dear Monty

I have a red face. Everyone thinks i drink alot, but honestly I do not.  What do you suggest?

signed

The red faced Killer

Weymouth ma

Dear rouge murderer

You have a level three case of red face. It is caused by One of two things. One, you drink too much, or two you are Irish ( if you are Irish see #1, I promise you have both in this case)

I did some research, and whereas, you have a Irish last name, You were adopted and YOU are really Egyptian, so cut back on the wine and the beer with the lime.

Monty

Keep those cards and letters coming!