Entries from June 2009 ↓

Why is it that pants come in even sizes, when everyone is the in  between size?

If you are a 33 you can get 32 or 34 but not 33. If you are a 37. yup that is right. You can only get a 36 or a 38.

Same with waist sizes. wouldn’t it be nice to get a 39 and not have to go into the 40′s from a 38.

Shirts they come in two sizes like 34/35. what does that mean? is it a 341/2, or are some 34 and some 35?

They don’t make it easy on you do they?

The comments and the letters are pouring into ask “Frank” financial questions.

Frank has offered his services once again.

Frank:
I own a four bedroom condo in Naples FL which is held in the retirement plan of my S corporation. I plan to take some “clients” on a golf junket to Naples and use the condo. Can I pay rent for the condo to my plan for its use and deduct it as a business expense. I know you can help me. My CPA thinks I’m nuts. He’s nuts!

Harry from Hingham

Frankly, Mr. Harry I have no idea why you think you have problem. If the condo is a retirement plan asset, then at some point in time you have to show that it has some income potential. If you rent it from your corporation, you must first spend the money for rent and you will only realize a deduction equal to your marginal rate. Go use the condo for a weekend or whatever. Who will know ???

Monty writes:

Harry, go figure, a guy from Hingham with a I have too much money and I do not know what to do with it question. Give your money to a guy in Weymouth. he will know what to do with it. As a matter of fact, give him the condo for a week. he will bring down a half dozen of his buddies from Martini’s bar, they will dial up a few escorts from the yellow pages, have a party rip the place up and you will be left with damage that is insurable and tax deductible.

Problem solved!

By the way, your CPA ( cleaning-pressing-and alterations) was right. You are nuts.

Yes I am a card carrying member of BJ’S wholesale club. I have been for years.

I pay my dues and I spend a shitload of money in their stores. Where else can I get a 196 ounce box of Cheerios’s? Or a 12 pack of deodorant. Bj’s is the ultimate impulse store.

They give you an oversized carriage and let you loose in a store that has everything from meat to cell phones to vacations to tv’s and even diamond necklaces.

I try to stop the urge to buy stuff I do not need, but I always walk out of their with a heaping carriage full of stuff.

One thing I can promise you, is that I have never stolen anything there or any other place. So it pisses me off, that after I have paid for my privilege to shop there and then dropped 5 hundo’s and I have some moron holding up my exit, while they look into every ones basket and put a hole punch in the receipt.

WHY I ASK?

How about a fucking bag. Never mind the cavity search

Is this really necessary? Have you ever seen anyone stopped and strip searched, because they found an extra 8 pack of bug spray?

This is not customer friendly, it is not necessary and it is a personal affront to me.

I hope you feel the same way. When you go to one of these discount box stores tell the manager that they can take their security and stuff it. All you want is a bag and not some tide box with two sides that they would have had to pay to dispose of.

The prices are not that cheap to put up with their security shit.

Just in case you did not know, I am a notary public. Let me know if I can verify your signature and who you are.

Monty

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY….

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room…

“Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!!!”

Joe’s Coffee Shop

348 Whiting Street ( at the corner of rte 123)

Hanover, Ma 02339

781-871-7181

If you are in the Hanover area, do not miss Joe’s Coffee shop.

This place is a throw back. The clientele is a mix of locals and the occasional soccer mom from this chic suburban town with the three car garages and houses that look like small banks.

In the morning, the cars are lined up for a quick cup of coffee and or a giant breakfast. This breakfast is not to be missed. It is HUGE, and cooked fresh by the owner “BOB”.  There is no Joe, but if you dare, ask bob about the name, or better yet call him Joe, and watch out for a flying spatula ( only kidding)

The pancakes are as big as a pizza, and the home fries are seared on a 500 degree griddle soaked in butter and smothered in onions if you choose. It is sooo good!!

I could go on and on about the food, but the best part is just bellying up to the counter and talking to Bob about hunting, food and local politics.

They also serve lunch and they offer a catering service. Call them for your next barbecue or lobster and seafood fest.

I have been going here for over 20 years and I have never been disappointed.

as far as breakfast goes, it gets 5 monty stars, and lunch is a solid 3 1/2. Those numbers do not come easy from ” the Monty Minute”

My breakfast with the small homefries

Movie review:

This might be the worst movie ever made.

DO NOT WATCH IT! I AM WARNING YOU>>>
The movie stars Adam Sandler, who hasnt been funny since Happy Gilmore and Toll Booth Willie ( welcome to Worcester)

Seriously, this movie sucks…

Seadog and Bob are drinking in a bar. Seadog says: “Did you know that Moose have sex 10 to 15 times a night?”

“Aw shit…,” says BW, “and I just joined the “Elks”

What do you like?

If you had a choice, what would you choose. If you were given $1,000,000 to build a dream house on the water, where would it be?

Ocean House

:Sandy beach, rocky beach, or a cliff. You have some options here. Chicks seem to like to walk on the beach. I am no fan of walking or the beach. you have the weather to deal with. Who knows when you come if your place is still there. You most likely cannot have a dock in front of your house. There is a beauty in the cacophony of sounds that come from the ocean. The changing tides bring things in and things out.

How about a LAKE HOUSE?

You get the trees and still Water. You can have a boat house with several different boats. You can skate in the winter and water ski in the summer.

It is quiet, you can hear the birds chirp in this bucolic setting. No one plunks their ass down on your beach and turns on a boom box. It is your beach and your domain.

I have a theory that woman like the ocean more, and men like a lake more.

What do you think?

I am a lake guy.

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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’

Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’

The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.’

The minister fainted..

My Buddy Joe and I live for food. There is nothing that Captain Joe from the C-Built cannot cook on board.

Joe is equipped like a five star restaurant. Joe has two Magma’s with bored out orifices ready to cook a full course meal.

Some of our recent meals were:

Stuffed Zucchini

chicken Broccoli and ziti

shrimp scampi

Stuffed chicken breast

Steamship roasts

pork chops ( Joe and slushy are ” Big on the PIG”

Lobster, steamers,

I could go on and on and on and on

Back to our weekend adventure. We decided last week that we were going to get the two pound bone-in rib eye’s from Previte’s in Weymouth. I was in charge of getting the meat and the rub.

big steaks in the raw

I got the best looking one’s I could find. Some people call them cowboy steaks, and yet others call them a tomahawk steak. We are going with the Fred and Barney bad boy’s.

We dropped them off at Joe’s place on river street to be treated over night. Joe chose a rub of olive oil and 8 essential spices ( recipe withheld)

We seared the outside and began the sloooow cooking process on the back of the 36 foot jersey in the Weymouth back river. We were rafted up with about 8 other boats from “B” Dock. The smells were woffting through the air like a detenated bomb from “24″ ( even Jack Bower could not save this explosion)

smoking beef

After a good hour or so of sloowww cooking, we carved off a few slices and past them down the string of boats. Everyone loved them.

Joe and I saved the bones for ourselves. we knawed on those hearty bones like wolves on prey. When we were done, we shared our spoils with the fish in the river. We tossed the bones in the water in sort of a memorial burial of a feast fit for kings.

No one and I mean no one can cook on a boat like Captain Joe from “D” dock.

Join us some time for a cookoff on the boats. Next weekend, we are going to have a “frydaddy” weekend. We are going to fry everything in site, from onion rings to twinkies.

Join us!!!

Joe on the Magma

Today is national donut day. I am no stranger to donuts. I know that they are bad for you, but I sneek one in once in awhile. Back whenI was a kid, they were not bad for you, along with a lot of other stuff, but someone came out and said they were bad and voila’ , no one eats donuts anymore.

Too Bad!

My favorite donuts are:

French Crullers

Plain

Honey dip( glazed)

Apple cinnamon

Bavarian Cream

I like Dunkin Donuts. Krispy Kreme’s were all the rage, but unless you get the hot glazed ones right out of the oven, they are really over rated.

The best donut I ever had, was on a side road in Las vegas, off the beaten track. They might have been one of the best things I ever ate.

Here is a little history of national Donut Day:

National Doughnut Day is on the first Friday of June each year. The holiday celebrates the doughnut (a.k.a “donut”) — an edible, ring-shaped piece of dough which is deep-fried and sweetened. Many American doughnut stores offer free doughnuts on National Doughnut Day. In 2009,

National Doughnut Day started in 1938 as a fund raiser for the Chicago Salvation Army. Their goal was to help the needy during the Great Depression, and to honor the Salvation Army “Lassies” of World War I, who served doughnuts to soldiers behind the front lines in France.

Happy Birthday peggy

Today is a national holiday in Worcester. One of my dearest friends is having a birthday today.

She is going to friggin kill me when she sees this picture that I distorted with an app on

my iphone, but WTF  you gotta mess with folks once in awhile.

Happy Birthday Peggy!!!!

I will be by sometime during the “Birthday month” to take my beating.

Love ya, your the best….

Monty

Revision June 25, 2009

I called peggy on her birthday on June 4th I said when can we have your birthday lunch. She said Weellll Monty, you are a little late for that, but I can squeeze you in on the 24th.

I said ” I will take it”  I left the south shore at 9:00 Am to make sure I was there by 12:30. What is 5 hours of driving time when it is for peggy’s birthday.

We had had a great lunch at the sole proprietor with John, Dave, Walter, Ed and myself.

Poor Walter. I think he had more birthday lunches this month than days it rained.

Anyway, there are only 5 days left in the “BIRTHDAY MONTH” Thank God June is one of those 30 day months. It will take a week to take the shrine down in the office. ( cakes, trophy’s,balloons,presents and flowers)

Once again Peggy, Happy Birthday

“You guys are just the absolute best.  To take time out of your day and travel up here to help me celebrate the “birthday month” meant so much to me.  I’m being serious here, I thought I would thank you before the next “Monty minute” hits and I’m ready to kill him.”

Peggy Dix

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called “Debbie Does Dishes.

5. Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale’s.

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back. She replied, “Yes, well so did my arthritis.”

8. A man called his mother in Florida, “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days. The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play “Wonderful. What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want speaking part

10. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner..

11. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.

13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.

14. Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go

15. Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

The mailbag is full again. The thirst for my wisdom is overwhelming. people just need to know the answers to life.

Today, I am going to tackle some of the medical questions I get all the time.

Monty

I have been diagnosed with diabetes, I am frightened what do I do?

signed

shipwrecked @ Tern

Dear shipwrecked:

Have a doughnut! have a dozen doughnuts. You were happy before you got diabetes right? How did you get it? by eating too much and getting fat. So why stop now. load up on the sugars and carbs. Remember, you were happy when you were fat.

Dear Monty:

I have TB and Lime disease. What do i do? Where do i go from here?

Signed,

stuck @ the 19th hole

Dear overtime golfer:

Alright, TB!   not what you think. The doctor meant TB “TWO BELLIES”

You are just fat. Too many dinners out and too much time at the 19th hole.

watch for ticks

You need to go from the cart after 18, and head home.

As far as the lime disease, try a cherry in your Captain and coke. It works for me. If that does not work, stay out of the woods. Hit a seven wood off the tee instead of the driver. The woods are full of long hitters and ticks. Heeellooo!You get lime disease from ticks.

Dear Monty

I am fair skinned and i get burned all the time. If I step outside, I burn. If I stay under a lamp too long i burn. I put bottles and bottles of sun screen on and I still burn. I do not have a friend left that will rub it on my back. What do i do?

Signed

Burned in the Birches

Dear RED!

I think the answer is to become a Muslim. Get one of those attractive smocks that wrap around your whole body and cover your face. No sun will ever get through.

Dear Monty

I have a red face. Everyone thinks i drink alot, but honestly I do not.  What do you suggest?

signed

The red faced Killer

Weymouth ma

Dear rouge murderer

You have a level three case of red face. It is caused by One of two things. One, you drink too much, or two you are Irish ( if you are Irish see #1, I promise you have both in this case)

I did some research, and whereas, you have a Irish last name, You were adopted and YOU are really Egyptian, so cut back on the wine and the beer with the lime.

Monty

Keep those cards and letters coming!

Hull Massachusetts. Why isn’t this the greatest town in the Boston area?

It should be, If you knew nothing about this area, and flew over the South Shore and the North Shore and someone said ” pick a perfect beautiful place to live. It would have to be Hull. Why not, it is surrounded by water, with fantastic views. It is a awesome piece of property.

For some reason Hull has never taken off. People say it is too far away from everything. That is just stupid. Carver is too far away from everything. People say that there is only one way in and out. HMM!! have you ever been to Marshfield?

I have great memories of Hull. When I was a kid, it was a real treat to go to Paragon park with my family.

paragon park

When I was a teen, we met at nantasket and hung on the beach all day. I even met my wife at the Surf. I owe a lot to Hull. I can remember watching my kids Cheerleading and playing  football at the high school at point Allerton. seemed like the wind was always blowing at 20 knots and it was somewhere below freezing. That reminds me, Hull has the best coast guard station in the Northeast ” point Allerton coast guard station”

Hingham and Cohassett  might have the cache, but give me Hull anytime.

Monty