Two dwarfs go into a bar, where
they pick up two ‘working girls’ and take
them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf,
however, is unable to
get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the
next room, he hears
his friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again!
ONE, TWO, THREE ….
UGH!’ Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE…. UGH!’
Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE… UGH!’ … ALL
NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How
did it go?’
The first mutters, ‘It was embarrassing… I just
couldn’t get an erection.’
The second dwarf shook his head. ‘You think that’s
embarrassing?
I couldn’t get on the bed.’
Tedy Bruschi will announce his retirement today. Maybe he is graduating like junior did and will be back like the snow every December.
But, I think he is really doing it. As you know, I have been looking for him to retire for the last three years. His skills as a football player have been diminishing. He has never lost his skill to lead his team and or to demonstrate what REAL heart is in a football player.
For most of his 13 years as a Patriot tedy has been the heartbeat of the team and the defense, He was a play maker and a force on the field. It is unusual that someone will play for the same team for his whole career. I cannot wait for the day that he is enshrined in the patriots hall of fame. I will be the one clapping the loudest, and will probably have a tear in my eye for all the great memories I had watching him. I saw all of his games. I would say that 95% of his home games and all of his Super bowls in person.
He was always there to make the big play. A sack, or a stripped ball, or my favorite is when he would jump up in front of a pass and snag it for a pick 6.
Good Luck to tedy and his family. I can only hope that he finds a job in some way with the Pats and sticks around. These type of guys do not grow on trees.
I have had a chance to look at last year, and everything that has gone forward to date, including departures, arrivals, the draft and free agency, as well as a turnover of coaches.
Here is what I think and some predictions for 2009.
The Good:
Depth of talent
Tom Brady
The offensive line pass blocking
Bill Belichek
Moss and Welker
D-Line
Thomas and mayo @ LB
Gostkowski (one of the 3 best palyers on the team honest)
The Bad
Tough Schedule ( last year was a once in a lifetime push over)
No backup QB ( we are dead without Brady)
Offensive line run blocking
Running back ( the committee will falter)
Cornerback ( this will become the achilles heal)
Punter
Players that we need to say good bye to:
Tedy Bruschi ( it is two years overdue)
Benjamin Watson ( sure he looks good, but that is like saying Varitek cacthes a good game)
Lawrence Maroney ( he needs to stutter step his way out of town)
Things to watch
Julien Edelman
Adalius Thomas ( big year coming)
Derrick Burgess ( specialist who will make big plays in big situations)
Brady to Moss to Welker ( reminds me of the big 3, Bird, Mchale and Parrish)
The Pats are still two things, Belicheck and Brady. Without them, they are the Oakland raiders. Do not ever forget that. They are only what they are because of those two. God bless them as long as we have them.
The eventual demise of the Pats will because of one thing, and that is the poor drafts that they keep putting together. Free agency has saved them. They remain, the worst drafters in the NFL. They are perrenially loaded with a dozen high picks every year and come away with almost nothing. Any expert will tell you that your team is built on the draft. Free agency is for holes.
We have One player left from 2007 draft ( merriweather) that is really sad. He has not showed much yet either. They only have Maroney and Gotkowski from 2006 and we know that Maroney is a total BUST. Ryan Ocallahan will be cut this year. 2005 was ok. Logan Mankins ( very Good) Nick Kazur and James Sanders ( just Ok) Do you see what I mean. We have all these picks and not much to show. 2004 only the two number one’s are left Wilfolk and Watson ( you never dump you 1’s) Wilfolk will be gone and Watson would have been gone if he were not a #1 pick.
Go back over those names that are left over the last 5 years and tell me if that was a nucleus to build a franchise That is what is left of about 45 picks. terrible……
This will be the last year for Vince Wilfolk. He will never sign here. It is only 176 more days before junior Seau comes back for the playoffs ( he is like 46 right?)
Running back by committee does not work. We need a featured runner bad. and dont give me Fred taylor or Sammy Morris ( always hurt) I think Ben Jarvis green ellis ( the law firm) is the best of the lot
newcomers to watch for:
Vollmer
Edelman
Pryor
darius butler (he will be a trick or treat guy)
Derrick Burgess
Chris Baker
whoever snaps the ball
The biggest surprise that we might get is a blitz package finnally. I think this could be a blitz happy defense that will cause lots of sacks and turnovers. I hope they finnally let these guys loose.
If Brady is healthy as are the recievers look for 2007 numbers.
Good Luck Pats. With that schedule, you are going to need it. I hope the Jets loose every game and that Eric mangini ( browns) goes the way of Ted Kennedy.
WOW was i ever surprised. i had no Idea. Even ED FORNIER Could not have screwed up this one!
I was shocked when Andrea and everybody conspired to throw Joanne and I a 30th Anniversary party back at the scene of the crime. The weymouth Elks. The same place it all went down back in the 70’s.
Thanks to everybody that came, We had a great time.
I am truly the luckiest man on earth to have spent the last 30 years with the most perfect person in the whole world. I love you Joanne today more than yesterday, but not as much as tommorow.
A boy named pat came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his
parents Joanne and Oakie began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that truck”?
He calmly told them, I bought it today.
With what money? demanded Oakie. He knew what a Chevrolet
Avalanche cost.
Well, said Patrick, this one cost me just fifteen dollars.
So Joanne and Oakie began to yell even louder.
Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars? I paid more than that for my Ford F-150 for sure and i have all the shiny bells and whistles, not to mention 400 coats of wax
It was the lady up the street, said the Patrick. I don’t know her name ask Sean he was with me
They just moved in. I think their name was the moops
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet
Avalanche for fifteen dollars.
Oh my Goodness!, moaned Joanne, she must be a child abuser.
Who knows what she will do next?
John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.
So the Oakie walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting
petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new
Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she
did it.
Well, she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran
off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to
come back.
He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new
Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did.
From a woman’s perspective…
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful
> morning….
> Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the
> table.
> He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. ‘Who’s been
> eating my Porridge?’ he squeaks.
>
> Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
> chair. He looks into
> his big bowl and it is also empty. ‘Who’s been eating my
> porridge?!?’ he roars.
>
> Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from
> the kitchen and yells,
> ‘For God’s sake, how many times do I have to go through
> this with you idiots?
> It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who
> woke everyone in the
> house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy
> Bear who unloaded
> the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It
> was Mummy Bear who
> swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went
> out in the cold
> early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants.
> It was Mummy Bear who
> set the dang table.
> ‘It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the
> cat’s litter tray,
> gave them their food, and refilled their water.
>
> ‘And now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-butts
> downstairs and
> grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen
> carefully, because I’m only going to say this once….
>
> ‘I HAVEN’T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!
for instanceI think all woman lie about their weight, and it seems like everybody in America adds one inch to their height. if you are 5′ 2″ you say 5′3″ like it makes a difference.
Everybody tells me their kid gets all A’s
If their kid went 2 for 4 in a baseball game, they say that they were 3 for 4 . Who cares, and who is going to check, so why not lie about it. It is only a white lie.
How many drinks did you have AHHH 3 no asshole you had 5 another white lie.
My friend Donnie always breaks even at the casino. Did he NO WAY!!! another white lie.
White lies are OK they are harmless, but why bother?
When your wife tells you she will be ready in 10 minutes, when everyone knows it will be an hour. a white lie.
When someone tells you that they love your gift, a white lie
When they say, you look great, have you lost weight. a big white lie!!!
When someone tells you that they will do it tomorrow. another white lie.
When someone tells you that they called you and I got a busy signal, or I thought I mailed that check, or that was the next thing I was going to do.
ALL WHITE LIES…
They would be called Black lies, but Jesse Jackson had a problem with that and we had to change the name…
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.”
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more
45 is too many, so here are her top 15
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone..
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will.
Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others.. You have no idea what their journey is all
about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
Here is Monty’s quick 15 off the top of my head:
Never pass a bar without having a drink
eat plenty of red meat I do and I have clear arteries.
work for the phone company out of high school you will be retired at age 45
don’t step on a scale
go on every vacation you can
spend your money now, don’t wait till you are too old to enjoy it.
make a new friend every day
call a friend everyday
be nice to your spouse. you picked her or him.
say I love you when you leave a family member every time ( even on the phone)
if you bet, you will lose eventually, so do not ever bet what you don’t have.
drive a nice car, have a good job, and a comfortable bed. That is where you spend 99% of all your time.
don’t wait till you have money or reach the age of reason to become a republican. Start right away, we need your help.
Learn as much as you can about computers and technology. You are screwed going forward without this knowledge.
Learn how to type well and fast.
I think I have 30 more, but I will stop now as well!!!!
protests in favor of Michael Vick. Have you ever in your life heard anything so stupid.
This guy willfully and wantonly killed dogs for pleasure and profit. End of story.
Ya he lost money and he lost some time. He served his time. I am OK with that.
What bothers me, is that he is going to play a game tonight in Philly, and they are planning on having protesters from the BLACK community come out and protest for him. The NCAAP, CO- Muniteee Leaders and clergy are all upset that he is getting a bum rap from PETA and the other animal activists. No Shit Sherlock ( he killed Dogs)
Heaven forbid, that you pick on a black man. I am not a bigot, but I am thinking that the black co-Munitee is becoming one.
They let OJ off when he killed a woman, because they had an all black Jury. If Vick was smart enough to have a all black jury, he would not have served time either.
There was a stat, that the CO-Munitee voted 95% or something for Obama? Where was the thought process there? At least the white and Asian CO-Munitee were split. They did not say Geez Bush is white, so without question he gets my vote.
A protest in favor of Vick, because he is being persecuted because he is black is the most absurd thing I have ever heard. It pisses me off as you can tell.
The CO-Munitee and Jesse Jackson would be better off spending their time and energy fighting for a real cause like ridding our country of cancer or terrorism.
Everything in life has a life, It has a time. You just need to know when to get in and to get out.
A business has a life. People open shops and stores and restaurants and they do well, or not do well, but they never stick around for ever. the key is to know when to fold.
Think about things that had a good run and are over. A typewriter for instance, or a phone booth. These ideas are gone over night.
Cars are hot, and then 3 years later they are stupid. remmeber the Gremlin? You had to stand in line for one.
The wave at a ballgame was HUGE!!! You could not go to an event without doing the wave. It was cool and fun. Now it is stupid and annoying. it had its life.
Relationships have a life. When people meet, they cant get enough of each other, they are in love and they think it will never change. They wake up one day and look to their left and go OMG what the fuck have I done. Again they have a life and a time.
Change is what makes life interesting.
People need to change their routine all the time, their habits, their jobs and their hobbies. Without change, life would be boring and robotic.
If Mrs Monty is reading this, I do not mean you. I do not want to ever change that part of my life. Every day I wake up, she is the best part of my life….
BUT changing cars, houses, boats, vacation spots, restaurants etc is fun and necessary.
The only way I found it was I got lost looking for an address in Eastie.
As I was turning around in the parking lot, I said hmm lunch time, let’s give it a try.
Glad I did
This place is in a weird little brick building on the outskirts of the marina in east Boston. I would not have even known it was a restaurant except for a few diners in the outdoor seating.
I had the hotdog and the chicken something or other, they were both in toasted hot dog rolls. I think they were called Scuppahs. Excellent.
The server took your name and delivered it to my seat or bench. After i ate it, the nice woman came over and said, How was it Monty ( the name I gave her)
It was all kind of old school.
The place was really nice, quaint and above all, it was good.
I did not have breakfast there, but I guess the specialty is the “baked eggs” and the French toast with fruit on it and drizzeled with syrup.
I have a couple of blogs about how I almost never go by a woman in a car without her cell phone stuck to her head.
Well I drove by one the other day and there was no cell phone on her ear. I said geez Monty maybe you are too hard on these ladies. it is only 90% that are doing it.
Then I look more closely and she is texting. She is holding the phone in two hands and driving with the side of her palm. Of course never missing a letter.
What is that important? We have to stop this NOW!!!
Before you kill everyone on the road. It is bad enough that all of these elderly people are gunning people down and driving through dunkin donuts windows.
This is alarming
>
>
> Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE
> hormones!
>
> Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists
> released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the
> presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
> concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that
> beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and
> that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
>
> To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer
> within a one (1) hour period.
>
>
> It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100%
> of all these men:-
>
> 1) Argued over nothing.
>
> 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
>
> 3) Gained weight.
>
> 4) Talked excessively without making sense.
>
> 5) Became overly emotional
>
> 6) Couldn’t drive..
>
> 7) Failed to think rationally, and
>
> Had to sit down while urinating.
>
> No further testing was considered necessary!!
Since I got back from vacation three days ago, I have had nothing but bad news.
Sunday my buddies house burned down.
Monday My cousin died ( age 52)
Monday Mike Davies died (age 33)
Wednesday Ted Kennedy dies ( age 100)
When you think about it, ya it sucks that my buddies house burned down, but nobody was hurt, and he has a great insurance agent, and his house will be better than ever when it is rebuilt, and he will have more value than he did before, and brand new stuff.
My cousin died. He was a good guy, but he led a different life. One he chose and i think he died happy and peaceful. Maybe we all should have been more like him.
Ted Kennedy died, and good riddance to the old fool. He killed a woman and was a big boozebag. he held on too long to a job, that he could no longer perform. He will be treated to a funeral fit for a national hero. Who cares.
But a young guy I know, Mike Davies from Weymouth was run over by a geriatric driver while on duty for the Weymouth police department. Now that is really sad. he had 3 kids, he was a veteran from Iraq, and he has a great extended family. I know his dad and mom and his brother. All great and beautiful people. This to me is a real tragedy and why I say
” Some things just hurt more”
Cory and Mike just 36 hours before he passed. Just having fun drinking and laughing.
After spending a week in Hawaii and determining that it is wholly owned by the Japanese, and that they all live there but only speak Japanese, It was annoying to me.
On the plane to LA, all of these Japanese people with California licences were all speaking Japanese.
For Christs sake speak English if you are going to live here. That is why I do not go to Italy, or France, because I do not speak their language, and I do not expect them to speak mine. There are too many places to see in my lifetime in America, do ever care about going to Europe.
Good Video. Kinda catchy too.
It has over 12,000,000 hits on Youtube.
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls….
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
People can be super annoying when they talk to you.
Tell me if you know some of these people.
The close talker. They get in your face and when you backup they chase you. All the time in your face and your zone. They have no sense of space.
The arm pusher. This guy hits you in the arm the whole time he is talking to you. Good chance that they are Italian. They nudge, push, slap, and or just always give you a bit of contact every time they talk
The spitter. Oh ya, we all have done it, but some people just spew it out. You need to keep a big distance from these people, and for God’s sake, keep your meal, and your drink away from them.
I am having trouble coming up with more but there are lots more.
How about the people that start every conversation with terms like LISTEN, or LISTEN TO ME, or LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, or I AM NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOU. Well no shit. I am going to listen, and I expect you to tell me something, and why would you lie to me.
Then there is the interrupter, and the person who does not listen to you, but only is waiting for that break, so they can start talking again.
How about the people that have clutches. They hear you just fine, but they always say HUH, WHAT? PARDON ME? They all hear you fine. They are just people that make you repeat yourself so that they can have time to process what you said. Don’t repeat yourself and they will always answer you, proving that they heard you just fine.
Watch for these people…
All annoying traits. I am going to have to add to this later. I know have more….
Travel day This is the day you dread when you go to Hawaii. It takes like 18 hours. You leave on one day and arrive the next day
I am sooo tired.
I got a window seat on the ride to LA. I was reading a book on the kindle and wanted to finish it. By the way, two advises. One buy a kindle, and when you do, the first book you should download is Lone Survivor by Marcus Lutrell. A story of a navy seal that goes into Afghanistan and comes out alone. A great read. One of the best books I ever read.
Oh ya the ride. This californian guy sits down next to me. I think he was part Mexican. He immediately started talking and never ever shut up. I looked annoyed, I barely responded to him, I turned away and was actually a little rude when I said that I was tired and was interested in reading. Basically saying shut the fuck up.
He persisted. Then the guy starts the jiggly leg thing. My GOD he rubbed my leg and jiggled me for 5 of the longest hours of my life. I jammed myself so far right, I was now part of the fuselage.
The guy puts on his ipod and starts to bob his head up and down, jiggle his leg more, and even did the air drum thing where he was flailing his arms around like he was playing the drums. I shot him a look that would kill most anyone. He got up and walked to the back of the plane to where the flight attendants were. I heard him knaw at their ears until they made people get back to their seats.
I have ADHD so I understand, but on a chart of 1-10 I have a 3 he has an 11. What a putz.
Next leg we had a layover. long enough to have McDonalds I had a fish sandwich and a double quarter pounder with cheese and large fries. You tell ME how my next 6 hours were. I also had a sciatic nerve that was bothering me and I could not sleep. It is good to be home.
What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk:
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky, or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open the site (http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html)
8. Look at the expression on your neighbor’s face.
This trip is ok really. I would do it again. A nice way to see a lot.
On day six, the whole fam went on a mud buggy tour. Someone had to stay back with nana, so paul and I the son in laws voluteered. This made the kids nervous, but they wanted to do the mud buggies, so they went and just prayed a little.
We took Joan to the make a bracelet out of dollar bills class with the homo that taught it. I have to say that this was a lowlight. the best part was that we made two. Paul and I made one out of one’s, and we had nana make one out of twenties. We switched it on her when she was done, she never caught on. haha. I made a couple of hundo on that deal!!
Then we rolled her in the wheelchair off the boat. First we went to the tatoo parlor and got her a palm tree on her back. Her first tramp stamp. Then we took her to a bar and gave her like 5 long island ice teas. She did not know her name. Then we went to a hill and let go of the wheelchair. You should have seen her go, she must have been doing 8 knots down that hiil.
She ended up in jail, but we made bail and got her back on the boat
nana locked up abroad
We got back to the boat and the family was pissed. We got grounded for the rest of the day. But it was worth it.
I think what upset the the most is when she passed out in the bed, we had some strange guy lie next to her and we took pictures…..
DAY 7
My first excursion. I am not grounded any longer, but I am on double secret probation.
We took a helicopter tour and it was FANTASTIC!!!!
One of the best things I ever did.
went back and had a brunch and then a message. Then I started drinking heavy. I am still drinking heavy right now can you tell.
Long flight tommorow.
I threw a quick youtube together for Craig. More later….
Had to sit down while urinating.
