Entries from September 2009 ↓

I like a good quiz. Here is one for college football traditions. There are more here if you would like to try.

Traditions <—-   click there

I was 50%

You can try them, I think ” I am out”

We have a guest columnist today.

Well done. I agree with a lot of it. i will post my own opinions after this.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Sorry, but I feel a need to get a lot off my chest concerning last night’s game.  Where else to do this but the Monty Minute?  May I contribute a “Guest Columnist”?

What I took away from the Patriots opening game vs. Buffalo:

1. Matt Light is Aaron Schobel’s bitch!  Light is personally responsible for Schobel being selected to the Pro Bowl all these years!  By the way Matt, just because the quarterback is not sacked does not mean you weren’t beat on the play!  As Dean Werner rightly puts it in Animal House, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son!”  Not sure if Light was drunk or not, but that would explain a lot of his play last night – “Tripping, number 72, 10 yard penalty, repeat first down”.  The only thing that surprised me about last night was that after being beaten for the 8^th or 9^th time, he didn’t come out of the game due to an “injury”.  Matt, ESPN has a hunting show with your name on it, please go find it!

1. Gary Guyton makes me yearn for Teddy Brucshi, (I know how much this statement kills Monty).  If there was an award for being knocked back 8 yards on every play, Guyton would win it hands down.  I give Guyton credit though, he learned from the great Ellis Hobbs, dancing around and posing after making a tackle 8 yards down field looks great on T.V. With Mayo hurt, does anyone have the area code for San Diego or Bristol, CT?  Again, the 2009 Draft was the year of the linebacker, and we take Ron Brace in the 2^nd round?

1. Tom Brady is worth every penny they pay him and more.  Not only because he leads comeback after come back, but he LEADS!  Example, Wes Welker, most catches in the NFL over the past two seasons, misplays the quick screen to him one a first and ten in the redzone and Brady chews his ass in the huddle than gives him some more as they are walking to dressing room at halftime.  Plus, not sure if you know this, but his wife is hot!

1. Ben Watson is an enigma wrapped in a riddle.  He makes two unbelievable, athletic touchdown catches but can not catch a pass, in his hands, when he is wide open.  This has been his M.O. from the first day he arrived.  Also part of his M.O.; he will know disappear for the next 3 or 4 games.  Remember, the Pats traded up to get him in the first round, number 16^th overall and he barely made the roster this year.

1. They say the NFL is a copycat league – see Wildcat offense.  There are some basic strategies that all teams use, when to go for two points, when to go for it on fourth down, etc.  And the number one trend, on 3rd and 15 in your own zone, you play it safe and run a screen or draw play.  If a dummy like me is screaming, “watch the screen, watch the screen” before the play, why is it Buffalo runs a the screen, there is only one Patriot player near the running back, 8 yards deep – see Gary Guyton section above, he gets steamrolled like a squirrel on the side of road,and they get 21 yards on the play?  Also, is it a law that you have to run the ball on 2 down and 10 because New England does it every time?  The theory is, you get back some yards and make 3^rd down more manageable,  all it does for the Pats is make it 3^rd and 8 or 3^rd and 9.  Here’s another hint for our Offensive Coordinator, run the ball when they expect a pass, pass the ball when they are expecting a run.

1. Lastly, maybe the fourth pre-season game is important after all.  The way the PATS looked in the first half, “rusty” is being nice, maybe a series or two in that last preseason game would have been nice.  Eli Manning and the Giants looked pretty good on their first series of the year and they played the entire first quarter of the game while the PATS first teams watched from the sidelines.

Great Job Joe, It was a Lovely description of the pats game.

Here are a few thoughts from last night:

1) we are fucked. No way we win 11 games with these baffoons

2) Defense stinks, and I blame the coordinator first and foremost. Who is it by the way? It is our 4th in 4 years.

3) Brady is worth whatever he can get

4) Lack of depth is due to years of poor drafting.

5) Lawrence maroney SUCKS. The only yards he can get is off draws when everyone thinks we are passing. He could not get an inch, if they think we are running. HE SUCKS!!!  and we have not drafted a backup for years. retreads everywhere.

6) the league is after Wilfolk. If he sneezed on a QB, he is going to get flagged.

7) Bend but dont break defense is BROKE!!!

I like Suzie Kolbers fluffy hairdo! Why is she chasing Tom down the field. That is humiliating and stupid.

9) winners convert 4th down plays. Never give the ball to Lawrence on fourth down

10) We are fucked if this keeps up. It was clear to me, that the Bills wanted it more than the Pats. I think they have lost that desire. Let’s see if they rebound. Take the Jets and the 6 points….

Monty

I Wish I liked:

1. Olives…   I am tired of picking them out of my salad everytime.
2. Bloody Mary’s.. I need a morning drink. I like Vodka and hot stuff, but I can’t stand tomato juice.
3. Church.. seems to me a lot of people do it and like it. I wish i did. Am I missing something?
4. Black Coffee… It would make things easier at the window or in front of that foreigner that takes my order.
5. Baseball ( Red Sox) People are gaga over it. I don’t get it.

Is there something that you just wish you liked?   comments?

I am moving HERE:
THE COUNTRY of TEXOARKLA

In case things get a little tougher during the next few months,
we In LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA & ARKANSAS have
a plan.

Maybe you don’t know it, but LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA ,
& ARKANSAS have a legal right to secede from the Union .

(Reference the Texas/Louisiana-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)

Us TEXOARKLANS love y’all Americans, but we’ll probably
have to take action since Barack Obama won the election
and is now the President of the U.S.A. We’ll miss
ya’ll though.

Here is what can happen:

1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the
United States , begins to try and create a socialist country, then
TEXAS, LOUISIANA , ARKANSAS and OKLAHOMA announces that
they are going to secede from the Union ….

2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of
TEXOARKLA. You might think that he doesn’t talk too
pretty, but we haven’t had another terrorist attack and
the economy was fine until the effects of Barney Frank and
the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans
came home to roost.
So what does TEXOARKLA have to do to survive as a
Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the
space industry.

2. We refine over 90% of the gasoline in the United
States.

3. Defense Industry–we have over 65% of it. The term
“Don’t mess with TEXAS ,” will take on a whole new
meaning.

4. Oil – we can supply all the oil that the Republic of
TEXOARKLA will need for the next 300 years. What will
the other states do?

Gee, we don’t know. Why not ask Obama?

5.. Natural Gas – again, we have all we need and it’s too
bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore
will just have to figure out a way to keep them
warm…

6. Computer Industry – we lead the nation in producing computer
chips and communications equipment – small
companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS,
Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel,
AMD, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and
on.

7. Medical Care – We have the research centers for cancer
research, the best burn centers and the top trauma
units in the world, as well as other large health
centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter
citizens: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas
Tech, University of Oklahoma , Oklahoma State University,
UL-Lafayette, UL-Monroe, University of Arkansas , LSU,
Arkansas State University , Baylor, Rice, TCU, SMU and MANY
more.
9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it
isn’t restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in
TEXOARKLA, we are a Right-to-Work State and, therefore,
it’s every man and woman for themselves. We just go out
and get the job done.. And if we don’t like the way one
company operates, we get a job somewhere else.

10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and
insurance industries, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the TEXOARKLA
National Guard, the TEXOARKLA Air National Guard, and
several military bases. We don’t have an Army, but since
everybody down here has at least six guns and a pile of
ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one.
If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the
Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over
the Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several
types of grain, fruit and vegetables and let’s not forget seafood
from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them
so that they taste good. We don’t need any food from somewhere else.

13. FIVE of the ten largest cities in the United States and THIRTY TWO
of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in TEXOARKLA. And
TEXOARKLA also has more land than California , New York , New
Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts ,
Maryland , Rhode Island and Vermont combined.

14. Trade: FIVE of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in
TEXOARKLA.
THE COUNTRY of TEXOARKLA

In case things get a little tougher during the next few months,
we In LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA & ARKANSAS have
a plan.

Maybe you don’t know it, but LOUISIANA , TEXAS , OKLAHOMA ,
& ARKANSAS have a legal right to secede from the Union .

(Reference the Texas/Louisiana-American Annexation Treaty of 1848.)

Us TEXOARKLANS love y’all Americans, but we’ll probably
have to take action since Barack Obama won the election
and is now the President of the U.S.A. We’ll miss
ya’ll though.

Here is what can happen:

1. Barack Hussein Obama, after becoming the President of the
United States , begins to try and create a socialist country, then
TEXAS, LOUISIANA , ARKANSAS and OKLAHOMA announces that
they are going to secede from the Union ….

2. George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of
TEXOARKLA. You might think that he doesn’t talk too
pretty, but we haven’t had another terrorist attack and
the economy was fine until the effects of Barney Frank and
the Democrats lowering the qualifications for home loans
came home to roost.

So what does TEXOARKLA have to do to survive as a
Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston , Texas . We will control the
space industry.

2. We refine over 90% of the gasoline in the United
States.

3. Defense Industry–we have over 65% of it. The term
“Don’t mess with TEXAS ,” will take on a whole new
meaning.

4. Oil – we can supply all the oil that the Republic of
TEXOARKLA will need for the next 300 years. What will
the other states do?

Gee, we don’t know. Why not ask Obama?

5.. Natural Gas – again, we have all we need and it’s too
bad about those Northern States. John Kerry and Al Gore
will just have to figure out a way to keep them
warm…

6. Computer Industry – we lead the nation in producing computer
chips and communications equipment – small
companies like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS,
Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel,
AMD, Nortel, Alcatel, etc. The list goes on and
on.

7. Medical Care – We have the research centers for cancer
research, the best burn centers and the top trauma
units in the world, as well as other large health
centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep educating and making smarter
citizens: University of Texas , Texas A&M, Texas
Tech, University of Oklahoma , Oklahoma State University,
UL-Lafayette, UL-Monroe, University of Arkansas , LSU,
Arkansas State University , Baylor, Rice, TCU, SMU and MANY
more.

9. We have an intelligent and energetic work force and it
isn’t restricted by a bunch of unions. Here in
TEXOARKLA, we are a Right-to-Work State and, therefore,
it’s every man and woman for themselves. We just go out
and get the job done.. And if we don’t like the way one
company operates, we get a job somewhere else.

10. We have essential control of the paper, plastics, and
insurance industries, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the TEXOARKLA
National Guard, the TEXOARKLA Air National Guard, and
several military bases. We don’t have an Army, but since
everybody down here has at least six guns and a pile of
ammo, we can raise an Army in 24 hours if we need one.
If the situation really gets bad, we can always call the
Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over
the Texas Rangers.

12. We are totally self-sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs, and several
types of grain, fruit and vegetables and let’s not forget seafood
from the Gulf. Also, everybody down here knows how to cook them
so that they taste good. We don’t need any food from somewhere else.

13. FIVE of the ten largest cities in the United States and THIRTY TWO
of the 100 largest cities in the United States are located in TEXOARKLA. And
TEXOARKLA also has more land than California , New York , New
Jersey , Connecticut , Delaware , Hawaii , Massachusetts ,
Maryland , Rhode Island and Vermont combined.

14. Trade: FIVE of the ten largest ports in the United States are located in
TEXOARKLA.

15. We also manufacture cars down here, but we don’t need to. You see,
nothing rusts in TEXOARKLA so our vehicles stay beautiful and run well for
decades.

This just names a few of the items that will
keep the Republic of TEXOARKLA in good shape. There
isn’t a thing out there that we need and don’t have.

Now to the rest of you folks in the United
States under President Obama:

Since you won’t have the refineries to get gas for your cars,
only President Obama will be able to drive around in his big 9
mpg SUV. The rest of the United States will have to
walk or ride bikes.

You won’t have any TV as the Space Center in Houston will Cut off
satellite communications.

You won’t have any natural gas to heat your homes, but since Al Gore
has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas as long as you survive
the 2000 years it will take to get enough heat from Global Warming.

In other words, the rest of ya’ll in the USA are screwed!

Signed,

The People of TEXOARKLA

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? …..
A licker cabinet

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? ….
A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ….
Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? ……
Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ….
Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? …
A Lickalotapuss..

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? …
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? …..
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ….
Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins? ….
Lick-a-likes.

11. What’s the definition of mass confusion? ….
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? …..
One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when there are 50 lesbians and 50 state workers? …..
100 people that don’t do dick.

I am a giver, I like to think that I will pitch in where needed. I try not to hit up too many for anything.

However, I think this cause that my friend Don Allan is running is very worthwhile.

Here is a note from Don. If you can help, that would be great….

Thanks for taking a minute to read this,,,,, AND thanks to all of you that helped out last year. All the kids and parents @ Point Allerton CG Station could not believe that all of us as a local group got together and helped their families out the way we did last year…As you know I hate to ask anyone for anything, but, this in my cause and I really believe in what these guys and girls do.

Christmas in approaching FAST and I wanted to get a head start on collecting and buying gifts for all the kids at the station….In total this year we have 16 children 10 yo and under. We only have 2 kids in diapers this year.

2 girls 10 yo

1 girl 9 yo

3 boys 7 yo

1 girl 6 yo

2 girls 5 yo

1 boy 5 yo

1 girl 4 yo

2 boy 3 yo

1 girl 3 yo

2 girls 1 yo

ANYTHING, ANYTHING, ANYTHING you can do is so appreciated. These guys and girls of our armed forces that keep us safe in the Boston Area do not make a lot of money and most of the coasties that have children of these ages are just getting their careers started and really struggle financially. If you can pick up a toy, or a sweatshirt, an outfit or diapers and wipies…ANYTHING or send me 5 or 10 bucks I will insure that every coastie kid has a great Xmas….If you get them a gift please get a hold of me and I will pick it up or just drop it at my garage.. I would like to see it done annonimously as everyone I send this email to will be on the card. So whether you send something or not they will know that you got this email and as my friend, thought of them.

Thanks so much,

Don

183 Whiting Street Hanover ma 02339
don@allankitchens.com

You are all awesome… I sent this just a couple hours ago and have 22 responses already.

I failed to mention. My garage is at 183 Whiting St Hanover. It is the corner of Whiting St and Homestead.. you enter my driveway from Homestead. The house is cream yellow with a Large unattached garage with 3 garage doors and a regular people door all green in color on the right. The people door is always open and you can drop items off there. The address to send a donation is the same

Don Allan

183 Whiting St.

Hanover MA. 02339

I can not thank you all enough for your response……….

Thanks

Don

If you could help our servicemen and woman, it would be great.

Firemen and police from the Chestertown NY. area, all joined in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in steel fence. It took several hours to extract her from her predicament.

Fire Chief Nolan said, ‘This was a pretty tough rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with a plan to safely extract her from the fence.’

Although the girl’s entrapment was never life threatening it did take careful planning and gentle handling to safely remove her.

She was taken to an area hospital where she was examined and released.

Poor thing, this picture just about broke my heart.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.

Thank you to the police and fireman that rescued her,. They are real hero’s in the community.

Two years ago I started and founded a group.

We call it the Good Guy’s Group. There is only one real criteria to belong, and that is that you have to be a good guy. I have to tell you, that without a question, these are the best guys in the world. They are fun and bring no baggage with them when they get together. They bring their thirst and their laughter.

These are just plain old good guys.

Meet a few of the legacy members:

a couple of the rainbow coalition members

The G’S Take a pre Labor Day Cruise on Boston Harbor

Have you ever seen anything so ridiculous?

This guy has his whole life wrapped up on a bunch of overpaid teenager football players.

entering Kennedy

Get ready to change the name of the state to kennedy, in Honor of our past Senator.

There will be legislation everywhere to turn the state name to kennedy and everything in it.

Here is what you can expect. Picture this:

OLD NAME                                                NEW NAME

Massachusetts                                         Kennedy

Fanueil Hall                                               Kennsdy hall

Mass Pike                                                   Kennedy Highway

The Berkshires                                        Kennedy Ridge

Callahan Tunnel                                     Kennedy tunnel

Bunker hill monument                        Kennedy Monument

Cape Cod                                                   Cape kennedy

Fenway Park                                            Kennedy Park

Rose kennedy parkway                       Ah just leave it!!!!

Do you see where this is going? I do. Stop this train before it becomes a wreck.

What about the Kennedy bridge in Chappaquidick? Now I would go for that. It could memorialize the death of mary Jo Kopechne.

Please let me know in the comments what other edifices that we can rename.

That’s right! You heard it here first.

Curt Schilling of the Bloody sock fame and World Series winner will be the next Senator of Massachusetts.

No way you say! He is a conservative republican. I say yes!!  We need change in this state and the retreads that the Democrats will be pulling out of the bars and mothballs with all of their political attachments and favors are easy fodder for a state hero and someone who has their head on straight.

You say it cant be, that his name is not Kennedy, and that the little old ladies from Melrose and Pittsfield will never pull the trigger, but miracles have happened. We did actually elect Mitt Romney as Governor and he was the best we ever had and stood the Massachusetts government on its head.
Do you remember when he came to the sox, and they did an ad with him thumbing on the side of the road in Arizona? they pull over and he says I am going to Boston, I have a job to do. I have to win a world series. He did it right!!!
Somebody needs to pick him up on the side of the road again and have him win a senate seat.

He has my vote and my support. The first political endorsement ever from the Monty Minute.

The Bloody sock campaign

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned 57.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
‘I said, ‘Not much…. my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said … ‘Then, why do you even give a shit’?

Frank: Think about this carefully….

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It’s opened by a little, ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: “Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?”

Little boy: “What the fuck do you think?”

\