Entries from January 2010 ↓

I hate fu&*#ing snow

I hate waking up in the morning and finding fucking snow on my car.

You heard it here first. Bill will retire within the month.

He is tired, and he has lost the drive and the desire to do it anymore. The players do not listen to him anymore. You can see it in his eyes and you can see it in the the way the players play.

He is still the best in the game, but after I don’t know how many years, the grind has got to him.

He has to pull a Cower , or a Shanahan, or a Holmgren, or a Urban Meyer and just give it up for a year.

He knows that the team is headed one way and that way is south. He has lost all the veterans who bought into his genius and his Star quarterback is getting older and is always banged up.

I do not blame him a bit. He deserves a break. He can get his new honey, or a flock of new honey’s and head off around the world on a Bon Jovi tour. Spend some time with the kids whatever. After a divorce, you need a new start.

Do not be surprised if you see him pull the pin VERY SHORTLY.

He is burned out. Time to hold up in a cave somewhere with Ricky Williams and smoke a few bones.

Good Luck to you Bill it has been a good run. Don’t worry Bill I have quit on this team and Krafty Bob the megolamaniac too.

Monty

I would love to tell you I told you so, but I do not want to come off as a know it all. BUT if you have read the minute or listened to me for the last 4 years, the mantra is the same. The Patsies are going one way and that is South.

The series of poor drafts over the last 6 years has depleted this team of talent. The sad part is that they have had more picks than any team over that period. What has saved them in the early 2000′s was that they had great veterans and good free agents, and a few steals in trades.

But now, they are getting old, their free agents stink worse than their picks, and they continue to pick crappy talent year after year.

I have some thoughts on the year and some prognastications:

1. They are the detroit lions, with Tom Brady and Bill Belicheck
2. Do not be surprised if Bill Belicheck retires shortly. You heard it here first.
3. Don’t worry about teams stealing this cast of coaches.
4. Brandon merriweather making the pro bowl makes me puke. He is a punk and I think he is stupid. At least he plays stupid
5. Say goodbye to Watson, Wilhite, Maroney,taylor and who ever else is a free agent
6. They will franchise Wilfolk and transistion Mankins. (sucks to be them)
7. Pats need a reciever, running back,linebacker,o-lineman,cover corner,tight end in that order
8. They also need a real offensive and defensive coordinator
9. They need to get their crowd back. worst crowd in the NFL. (spoiled)
10. The red seat fans are all phonies. They watch the game on TV at the bar and never sit in their seats and cheer.

I am so disapointed in this team. Randy Moss did give up.

These are my post game reports. more later when I have had a chance to stew on this piece of crap game.

Highlights:

1. Wes Welker
2. Stephen gaskowsi
3. Sebastian Volmer
4. Julian Edelman
5. Mayo
6. Wilfolk
7. Brady
8. Faulk
9. Mankins
10. Butler
11. Me not buying the playoff tickets ( good call)

They lost me as a 28 year season ticket holder. I am done.

I almost never go to the movies, and I love watching movies.

So why don’t I go? I do not know for sure. I guess I have to get off my ass to do it, but mostly I think it is the fear of crowds. I love people, but for some reason I don’t want people around me when I am at the movies. If the movie theater is empty, I do not even let JOJO sit next to me.

You just HAVE to get the popcorn when you go it is a must. I just wish I could get a reasonable size. did you notice that the size you want is $2.50 and for $2.65 you can get one twice as BIG!  Why do they do that? same with the soda. Why?

Never go to the movies on dollar night, or 1/2 price night. The place is mobbed. Pay a few bucks and go when it is not so crowded.

Never see a kids movie, unless the little bastards are in school.

Never go early and sit through all those trailers and advertisements.

Never go to a movie the first weekend it comes out.

Never listen to someone when they tell you it is the best ever.

never believe that the picture that wins the oscar for best picture is good. They usually suck or are ordinary.

Last Movie I saw in the theater.  Up in the air with George Clooney. I went with my friend Steve. I made him sit in another row. We went while the wives shopped. Not a bad idea, especially if you go to a lux theatre where you can drink , eat and sit in big chairs.

My favorite movie: Cool Hand Luke

My favorite types of movies in order

1. prison
2. war
3. action
4. comedy
5. chick flicks
6. drama
7. sports

The worst kind of movies are sci fi and horror. What a waste of film. Most documentaries suck too.

I think I have posted this youtube before, but if not, it is worth watching again.

For the previous five days, scroll down two posts and start from the beginning.

Day-6

I am tired of this, and what is worse is that I got on the scale today and I gained 2 pounds. I am back in the 240′s. Jesus Christ how? I have not eaten even a crumb in 6 friggin days.
I am going to kill somebody..

Day -7

I am felling better. I lost the 2 extra pounds. I had to  again eat nothing, I had to drink laxative tea and wash it down with salt water, and in the morning get up at 4:00 go to the gym, and spin for an hour, do 100 crunches, run and walk for 30 minutes and then lift for 45 minutes.
BUT, I did get those two pounds back…..

Day-8

Same shit another day. I am quitting tomorrow this stupid diet is making me irritable. I want to eat again.
Funny thing though is that I feel better, I look better, I have more energy, my skin feels better and I can smell again.
Enough of that, I am going back to the same old fat and miserable Monty, at least people knew who I was. This Monty is somebody even I don’t know. I am gpoing to blow up like a tick…

Let me know if you want to start this with me at another time. Next time, I need someone to commiserate with. Going it alone sucks. everyone just thinks that I am stupid. At least if you are stupid it is better to be stupid in pairs.

Monty

Here are the before and after pictures:

If you have 8 minutes to spare, this youtube is worth a watch. This sand artist is amazing….

This is just awful!!!
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I feel awful, just like that senator must have when he drove that girl off the bridge and killed her.

Well it is new Years Day and I have had enough eating and drinking for awhile. At least till I go to St Martin on the 15th.

I figured out that when ever I feel shitty, it is when I   eat too much. So I am going to stop for 10 days and go on the lemonade diet.

First things first. Get on the scale I am in jeans and a tee shirt        257   OMG!!

I strip down to my birthday suit and I am only 255  whew!!   for a minute there I thought I was fat.

So I start this journey today. You basically fast. you do not eat anything. It is more a cleanse than a diet. You will lose weight, but most likely most of it will come back on when you start eating again, but it seems like if I feel better, it is a good trade off.

FYI the last time I did this, I lasted 4 days and ended up in the hospital with heart attack symptoms. They said it was not the lemonade, so let’s see if I go down again. I am hoping I make it this time. I do not believe it had anything to do with the fast.

I go to the store and I pick up the essentials.

1. uniodized sea salt
2. grade b maple syrup
3. ceyenne pepper
4. lemons

pretty simple. Mrs monty fills the basket up with nothing but temptations. She is an evil woman, how could she do this to me I think.

I sit in the big chair to watch football, all the time thinking about food and booze. It seems every commercial is about food. I am hungry, but resolute.

I make it through the whole day. The only tough part is the salt water flush. You have to mix 2 tablespoons of salt with a quart of warm water and chug it down.

And then you wait. You wait till your stomach sounds like a garbage disposal. after 45 minutes you start to gurgle and then you know the explosion is coming.

At first it is a little gas, and you sheepishly let out a little but know you have to be careful. Then you know it is time, when you think it is gas and ….

Oh shit I am shitting my pants.  so you run and run hard to the bathroom

what happens next I will save you from, but you can imagine. If you try this, set yourself up ahead of time with magazines, reading glasses, candles and incense.

end of day. I cannot wait till day two.

I woke up feeling a little thinner. I am hungry but not bad really. Mrs Monty asks if I am eating and I tell her no way. She thinks I am a kook. She says ” how can you go from a eating and drinking machine on one day and then just stop”

I tell her no problem ( I lied)

I try to keep myself busy, as this is not a work day. I do some cleaning and I snow blow the driveway.

I am feeling a little weak and lethargic, but I am not giving up.

I start to drink water. lots of it. I am also drinking the lemonade mixture. Water is now my best friend, as is my toothbrush. You are probably wondering about the toothbrush, well with nothing to eat, that toothpaste generously applied is like apple pie ala mode. I swish it in my mouth like it was a cheese cake.

I think I am losing it a little. No coffee for two days is killing me. I need caffeine, My head is pounding. I am a 6 cup a day guy. More water is the answer.

after what seems like I drank all the water in Whitmans pond, the dam breaks and I start to pee, and pee and pee some more. I can’t stop I pee like every 15 minutes for 6 hours. It is exhausting, but I keep drinking more water.

I wonder, can you drown yourself? I think I am trying.

My bathroom is now my best friend and place of refuge. I am now noticing that I need to repaint the bathroom and that a tile is cracked. I am spending way too much time in there.

Well Day two is almost over. I just need to flush again. This salt thing is just awful. I gag iot down one more time and swear that I will never do it again. I wait for the next explosion and nothing. No rumble. no gas, no nothing. Am I cleansed I think? and then two hours later eureka, I feel something. I run to my home away from home and voila I poop again. I look in and there is not much there, but what is floating around is not for the timid.

I think tomorrow, I am going to try the laxative tea.

I cannot wait for day Three….

Time to go to the gym and then work.

I get to the gym at 5:30. No coffee this morning like usual.

I feel really tired. my back hurts. What is strange though is that my sinuses are clearer than they have ever been. I can smell things that I could not smell before.

I am strangely not that hungry. I do have a strange craving for tostito chips and salsa though.

I go through the day a little lightheaded. I go in and out of lucid moments. I cannot look at another glass of water, but I crave the lemonade.

I am thinking more about food though. I am going to check my iphone app for the food network and see whats on tonight.

I have not told anybody that I am on this crazy fast but Mrs Monty. My co-workers want to know what I am having for lunch and I just say that I think I will wash the car at lunchtime. They look at me with a raised eyebrow. because usually lunch is a sacred time of day for me. A time to refuel and rejoice. I love a good lunch.

I get home from work and slump in the chair. I can only think about the salt water drink.

I decide to weigh myself. maybe I have lost weight. I get on the scale and i am 245  wow. I have lost 10 pounds. Now I feel like this might be worthwhile.

I  go to bed thinking about peanuts, boston cream pie and pizza.

I made another day. I think I need to have a token or something like they do at AA. I keep thinking that this is only 10 days out of my life. I can do it.

Day four tomorrow.

Well I have made it this far, and no trips to the emergency room.

I get up to go to the gym. For the first time in a long time, I bounce out of the car and cannot wait to work out. The only thing that bugs me, is that the place is packed. All the 30 day wonders and phonies are back in the gym. I know that the place will be mine with a few of the regulars in about three weeks. We have to go through this every year.

I am doing a program call 100 pushups .com I am on day 3. After 8 weeks or so, you should be able to do 100 at a time. I can already do 30-40, but 100 is a good goal. I lift wieghts, do the cross trainer and then the treadmill. I finish with 100 cruches and I feel great.

I think I am over the hump.

Off to work, the headaches are gone and so are the back aches. I can still smell and things are looking up.

I get through the day unschaved, and I have only had a few hunger pains. Somebody actually asked me if I lost weight today ( I will pray for their eyesight)

My friend Jimmy thinks I am crazy, but that is more motivation to see this through.

Home again. I check into the bathroom. I am seeing less of it lately and I miss it a little. Maybe I will try the saltwater again.  Gross. I forgot how bad it was. I pooped out a half dozen peanut looking things and some murky substance. I am going to have to google that and see WTF it is.

I feel good and day 5 is around the corner. I am starting to think that 10 days is too much, and that 7 will do it for me. I might be breaking.. we will see.

The spousal unit had a lean cuisine for dinner and I would have I would have given her the Lexus for just one bite.

I made it another day.

Am I crazy? I am starting to think I am. People say I am, maybe I am.
People have a lot of opinions about my journey to a clean system.They smugly say that you are going to gain all the weight back. I keep telling them that right now it is not about the weight loss. The best weight loss plan is weight watchers bar none. If you want to lose weight and keep it off go to WW this is not the route.

That being said, I woke up this morning and I weighed in at 238 down from 255 5 days ago ( 17 pounds). When people told me I was full of shit, I did not believe them, but now I am starting to believe them.

I had my usual workout. 100 crunches, 50 pushups, 15 minutes of light weights and an hour on the machines. This proves to me that working out does not make you lose weight, I have been working out for 30 years. It is what you eat.

I did sweat more than usual. I sweat like a GEICO insurance rep trying to explain insurance coverage ( all they want to talk about is saving you 15%) but that is another subject.

My mind is starting to wander. I am thinking about food more. I have more energy in the morning and less at night. I can’t wait to finish this and get back on schedule. The clock is going by slower every day.

FYI I am done with the salt water flush after last night. I think I am just going to drink the poopy tea. There can’t be anything left anyway. I am still wondering where it is coming from? I have not eaten even an m&m this year.

On to Day SIX

There is nothing I like more than a buffet. I like all kinds of buffets.

Anything that is “all you can eat is alright with me”

I love the chinese buffet at the bejing House. I go up no less than 3 times everytime, and the Chinese make the stiffest drinks around.

When you go to the breakfast buffet, my best move is to hit the bacon station first. Load up on 8-10 slices and then eat away while you wait for your omelet and your toast to go through that 15 minute process ( annoying). Then go back for more bacon before you sit down.

Whats the beat part of vegas??  gambling NO  Shows NO lights NO

It is the Buffets of course. The best is at the Rio. Why else would you go off the strip.

Anyway, I could go on about buffet’s, but I found another blogger who summarized the buffet scene way better than I ever could. He obviously put a lot of time and thought into it. Check it out and click the link below

Buffet Blog

Enjoy!!!

I was thinking over the weekend:

1. New years is only good when you go away. Stay somewhere.
2. did the same thing as last year. But, things are never as much fun the second time.
3. Why do strangers kiss at midnight?
4. Providence is so much easier to deal with than Boston
5. If you want to get any seat in any restaurant, go the night AFTER new years. people are hungover, broke and on a diet
6. I am not looking forward to going to the gym. It will be full of the phonies for another month. They get in the way of us regulars.
7. Jonathon Wilhite just plain sucks ( #24 on the Pats)
8. Nick Kazur sucks too
9. Diets suck
10. Being fat sucks even more than the diet, so I am in again.
11. I will fail once again on a diet, because i LOVE food
12. Vain people do better on diets, because they care about what they look like.
13. Should I throw away all my clothes that do not fit? I have had them so long they are out of style.
14. Two days of watching tv is all I can take. How do people do it.
15. I have never had a good meal at Cafe Christina
16. You have to be a moron to have a rear wheel drive in New England.
17. I miss being on the boat.
18. The monty minute is like a job. You have to put down stupid lists like this when there is no good content to write about.
19. The celtic stars are not hurt, they are just resting for the second half stretch.
20. Red Sox made a bundle on that winterfest deal. Maybe they can sign a decent bat.