Entries Tagged 'Jokes' ↓

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A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please – I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’

God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’

The zebra looked puzzled. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.”

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.’

The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’

‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is.’

WARNING:
If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin right over to kick your white honky ass!!!!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
******************************************
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
******************************************
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!”
So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”
And then the fight started…..
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.’
And then the fight started….
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..

This is so beautiful……

A little boy says to his mother,”Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied,

“Don’t even go there! From what I remember about that party, you’re fucking lucky you don’t bark!

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds.

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.

6. COUNTERFEITERS:  Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.

12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
0A

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can’t recall but I have run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Monty

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.

‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t
have any milk.’

‘I know,’ she said,
‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White  House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asks the Mother Superior ’I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?’ ‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister.
‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must
tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother –
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And
it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.. and it
hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that
didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother Superior!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from
God , this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies
off, with my ball still clutched in its claws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

*”Married Life”

*After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed.  One evening, the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower belly.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”"

“I found the remote,” he said.

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
> He began his
> round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
>
> On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
> his cell phone rang. It was their doctor notifying him that his wife
> had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and
> in the ICU.
>
> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
> he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
> leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
> decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
> hospital.
>
> He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
> personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
> beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant . . .
> then he
> remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw
> the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condit ion.
>
> The doctor glared at him and shouted, “YOU WENT AHEAD AND FINISHED
> YOUR ROUND OF GOLF, DIDN’T YOU?!
>
> “I hope you’re proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past
> four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
> languishing in the ICU!  It’s just as well you went ahead and finished
> that round because it will be more than likely your last!”
> “For the rest of her life
> she will require ’round the clock care -and you’ll be her care giver!”
> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .
>
> The doctor snickered and said, “Just fuc&ing with you. She’s dead
> -what’d you shoot?”

“The financial situation at the moment is so bad, Jewish women are now marrying for love. “ 

Night Befo Crizzmus

Wus da night afo’ Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin’ and da sleepin’ be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol’ Obama’s, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was ly’in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk….”Sh’eet, it must be da law”.

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I’ze could see,
I was spectin’ the sherrif, wif a warrent fo’ me.
But what did I see, made me say, “Laaawd look at dat”.
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha’s, got a black un’ tonight.
Faster than a poe’lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo’ sho’, – can you believe that Sh’eet!.

Dat Santy didn’t need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, “Son o’ bitch…he don did dis befoe”!
He had a big bag, full of presents – at first I suspeck?
Wif “Air Jordans” and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho’ woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, “democrat son of a bitch”.
So nex year I be hopin’, a white Santy we git,
’cause a black Santy Claws, just ain’t worf a shit !!!!

Not politically correct, but I did chuckle just a little

Can you spot the 44th president?

Box  Donation
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to  his
>
> priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
>
> The  priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
>
> The Irishman said, “Well, we  got undressed and rubbed together, but
>
> then stopped.”
>
> The  priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You’re
>
> not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail  Mary’s and
>
> put $50 in the poor box.”
>
> The Irishman left the  confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>
> over to the poor  box.
>
> He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
>
> The  priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I  saw
>
> that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
>
> The  Irishman r eplied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,  and
>
> according to you, that’s the same as putting it  in!”
>
>
>
> Lemon Squeeze
>
> There once was a religious young  woman who went to Confession.
>
> Upon entering the confessional, she  said, “Forgive me, Father, for
>
> I have sinned.”
>
> The priest  said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
>
> The young woman said,  ”Last night my boyfriend made mad,
>
> passionate love to me seven  times.”
>
> The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze  seven
>
> lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
>
> The young  woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
>
> The priest said, “No,  but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
>
>
>
> Catholic  Dog
>
> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet  dog
>
> for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to  the
>
> parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’  be
>
> saying’ a ma ss for the poor creature?”
>
> Father Patrick  replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services
>
> for an animal in  the church. But there are some Baptists down
>
> the lane, and there’s no  tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do
>
> something for the  creature.”
>
> Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think  $5,000 is
>
> enough to donate to them for the service?”
>
> Father  Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
>
> didn’t ya tell  me the dog was Catholic?
>
>
>
> Donation
>
> Father O’Malley  answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley ?”
>
> “It  is!”
>
> “This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?”
>
> “I  can!”
>
> “Do you know a Ted Houlihan ?”
>
> “I do!”
>
> “Is he a  member of your congregation?”
>
> “He is!”
>
> “Did he donate $10,000  to the church?”
>
> “He will.”
>
>
>
> Confession
>
> An  elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
>
> conversation  ensues:
>
> Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,  children,
>
> grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
>
> Yesterday, I  picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
>
> a motel, where I  had sex with each of them three times.”
>
> Priest: “Are you sorry for  your sins?”
>
> Man: “What sins?”
>
> Priest: “What kind of a Catholi  c are you?”
>
> Man: “I’m Jewish.”
>
> Priest: “Why are you telling me  all this?”
>
> Man: “I’m 92 years old . . . I’m telling  everybody!”
>
>
>
> Brothel Trip
>
> An elderly man goes into a  brothel and tells the madam he would
>
> like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the
>
> ancient man and asks how old he  is.
>
> “I’m 90 years old,” he says.
>
> “90!” replies the woman.  ”Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
>
> “Oh, sorry,” says the old man.  ”How much do I owe you?”
>
>
>
> Senility
>
> An elderly man went  to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m
>
> gett ing senile. Several  times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”
>
> “That’s not senility,”  replied the doctor. “Senility is when you
>
> forget to zip  down.”
>
>
>
> Pest Control
>
> A  woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from  a
>
> pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in  the
> bedroom together when her husband  arrived home unexpectedly.
>
> “Quick,” said the woman to the lover,”into  the closet!” and she
>
> pushed him in the closet, stark  naked.
>
> The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search  of
>
> the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
>
> “Who are  you?” he asked him.
>
> “I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the  exterminator.
>
> “What are you doing in there?” the husband  asked.
>
> “I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of  moths,”
>
> the man replied.
>
> “And where are your clothes?” asked  the husband.
>
> The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little  bastards!”
>
>
>

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

Sincerely, The Boss

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me…An Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritate.

She asked the teller, ‘Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo
yen.

Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations!’

The Asian lady says, ‘Fluc you white people, too’.