Entries Tagged 'Jokes' ↓
January 6th, 2012 — Jokes
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
December 19th, 2011 — Jokes
December 13th, 2011 — Jokes
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and
shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give
you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens’ fees at a golf course instead of food?”
the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going
to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I’m dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex.”
September 13th, 2011 — Jokes, sports
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’
The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘ Touchdown, tie score…’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides’
=
July 6th, 2011 — Jokes
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is
> asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am going to
> a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body.”
> > The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of > night?
> > The man replies, That would be my wife.
February 9th, 2011 — Jokes
A young man moved out from his parent’s home and into a new apartment, all his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.
AS they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, ‘Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.’
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, ‘What would you say is my best feature?’
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, ‘It’s got to be your ears.’
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, ‘My ears?!?!?” Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?’
Clearing his throat, he stammered… ‘Outside, when you said you heard someone coming… That was me.’
January 31st, 2011 — Jokes
THE WOMAN POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
THE MAN POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
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January 18th, 2011 — Jokes
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in
front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, “Do you know that with one
little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep
into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”
Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your
hand? Show me!
So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!
Nancy will be Flying Southwest.
Since Nancy is no longer Speaker of the House, she must relinquish her 757 jet,
so generously provided by us, the taxpayers.
She’ll be flying Southwest Airlines from now on because on Southwest
“Bags fly free”!
December 31st, 2010 — Jokes
How many times have you said to an old fart ” just text me” and they say ” huh”
Or I don’t do that shit.
Next time give them the code:
ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
September 1st, 2009 — Jokes
July 29th, 2009 — Jokes
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’
St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please – I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’
God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’
The zebra looked puzzled. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.”
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.’
The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’
‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is.’
WARNING:
If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin right over to kick your white honky ass!!!!
July 23rd, 2009 — Jokes
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
******************************************
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
******************************************
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY
!!!”
So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”
And then the fight started…..
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started…
******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.’
And then the fight started….
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started…
******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..
July 7th, 2009 — Jokes
This is so beautiful……
A little boy says to his mother,”Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”
His mother replied,
“Don’t even go there! From what I remember about that party, you’re fucking lucky you don’t bark!
June 25th, 2009 — Jokes
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
0A
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
March 18th, 2009 — Jokes
Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales tax, and many more that I can’t recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Monty
February 26th, 2009 — Jokes
|
A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. ‘Ma’am,
I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I’m awfully cold.’
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’
‘Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.
‘Good,’ she replied. ………….’Get your own fucking blanket’
After a moment of silence, ………………….he farted.
The End |
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February 23rd, 2009 — Jokes
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so
I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I
love you too . When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not t ake it anymore so I decided to confront him
with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried
until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
—————————————————————————
HIS DIARY
Played AWFUL today! Shot a 98. I can’t putt for shit!!!!
Got laid though.
February 19th, 2009 — Jokes
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t
have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said,
‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’
February 19th, 2009 — Jokes
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
February 19th, 2009 — Jokes
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes
he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided
to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference
room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing
you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your
head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer. ‘And, now you
sir?’, he asked the second man.
‘Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you
don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest
thing I know of.’
‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye,
that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ He then turned
to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house
and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that
switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn
comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A
LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third
answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It ‘s hard
to beat the speed of light,’ he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the
interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three
answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known
is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before
I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had
already shit my pants.’
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a
Wal-Mart from now on!
