Entries Tagged 'Jokes' ↓

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration

‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asks the Mother Superior ’I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.’

‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’

‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?’ ‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister.
‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’

‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must
tell me all about it!’

‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother –
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit
the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And
it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.. and it
hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!’

‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that
didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’

‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods grabs my
ball and runs off down the fairway!’

‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized Mother.

‘But I didn’t, Mother Superior!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so
proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from
God , this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies
off, with my ball still clutched in its claws!’

‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.

‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped
out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..
‘You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?’

*”Married Life”

*After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed.  One evening, the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower belly.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the upper most portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”"

“I found the remote,” he said.

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf.
> He began his
> round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
>
> On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when
> his cell phone rang. It was their doctor notifying him that his wife
> had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and
> in the ICU.
>
> The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the
> he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
> leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He
> decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
> hospital.
>
> He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
> personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and
> beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant . . .
> then he
> remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw
> the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condit ion.
>
> The doctor glared at him and shouted, “YOU WENT AHEAD AND FINISHED
> YOUR ROUND OF GOLF, DIDN’T YOU?!
>
> “I hope you’re proud of yourself!  While you were out for the past
> four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been
> languishing in the ICU!  It’s just as well you went ahead and finished
> that round because it will be more than likely your last!”
> “For the rest of her life
> she will require ’round the clock care -and you’ll be her care giver!”
> The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .
>
> The doctor snickered and said, “Just fuc&ing with you. She’s dead
> -what’d you shoot?”

“The financial situation at the moment is so bad, Jewish women are now marrying for love. “ 

Night Befo Crizzmus

Wus da night afo’ Crizzmus, and all thru da hood,
everybody be sleepin’ and da sleepin’ be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol’ Obama’s, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family, was ly’in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk….”Sh’eet, it must be da law”.

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I’ze could see,
I was spectin’ the sherrif, wif a warrent fo’ me.
But what did I see, made me say, “Laaawd look at dat”.
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha’s, got a black un’ tonight.
Faster than a poe’lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo’ sho’, – can you believe that Sh’eet!.

Dat Santy didn’t need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, “Son o’ bitch…he don did dis befoe”!
He had a big bag, full of presents – at first I suspeck?
Wif “Air Jordans” and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho’ woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, “democrat son of a bitch”.
So nex year I be hopin’, a white Santy we git,
’cause a black Santy Claws, just ain’t worf a shit !!!!

Not politically correct, but I did chuckle just a little

Can you spot the 44th president?

Box  Donation
>
> A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to  his
>
> priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
>
> The  priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
>
> The Irishman said, “Well, we  got undressed and rubbed together, but
>
> then stopped.”
>
> The  priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.  You’re
>
> not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail  Mary’s and
>
> put $50 in the poor box.”
>
> The Irishman left the  confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
>
> over to the poor  box.
>
> He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
>
> The  priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I  saw
>
> that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
>
> The  Irishman r eplied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,  and
>
> according to you, that’s the same as putting it  in!”
>
>
>
> Lemon Squeeze
>
> There once was a religious young  woman who went to Confession.
>
> Upon entering the confessional, she  said, “Forgive me, Father, for
>
> I have sinned.”
>
> The priest  said, “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
>
> The young woman said,  ”Last night my boyfriend made mad,
>
> passionate love to me seven  times.”
>
> The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze  seven
>
> lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
>
> The young  woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
>
> The priest said, “No,  but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
>
>
>
> Catholic  Dog
>
> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet  dog
>
> for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to  the
>
> parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’  be
>
> saying’ a ma ss for the poor creature?”
>
> Father Patrick  replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services
>
> for an animal in  the church. But there are some Baptists down
>
> the lane, and there’s no  tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do
>
> something for the  creature.”
>
> Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think  $5,000 is
>
> enough to donate to them for the service?”
>
> Father  Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
>
> didn’t ya tell  me the dog was Catholic?
>
>
>
> Donation
>
> Father O’Malley  answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father O’Malley ?”
>
> “It  is!”
>
> “This is the Tax Dept. Can you help us?”
>
> “I  can!”
>
> “Do you know a Ted Houlihan ?”
>
> “I do!”
>
> “Is he a  member of your congregation?”
>
> “He is!”
>
> “Did he donate $10,000  to the church?”
>
> “He will.”
>
>
>
> Confession
>
> An  elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
>
> conversation  ensues:
>
> Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,  children,
>
> grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
>
> Yesterday, I  picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
>
> a motel, where I  had sex with each of them three times.”
>
> Priest: “Are you sorry for  your sins?”
>
> Man: “What sins?”
>
> Priest: “What kind of a Catholi  c are you?”
>
> Man: “I’m Jewish.”
>
> Priest: “Why are you telling me  all this?”
>
> Man: “I’m 92 years old . . . I’m telling  everybody!”
>
>
>
> Brothel Trip
>
> An elderly man goes into a  brothel and tells the madam he would
>
> like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the
>
> ancient man and asks how old he  is.
>
> “I’m 90 years old,” he says.
>
> “90!” replies the woman.  ”Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
>
> “Oh, sorry,” says the old man.  ”How much do I owe you?”
>
>
>
> Senility
>
> An elderly man went  to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m
>
> gett ing senile. Several  times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”
>
> “That’s not senility,”  replied the doctor. “Senility is when you
>
> forget to zip  down.”
>
>
>
> Pest Control
>
> A  woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from  a
>
> pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in  the
> bedroom together when her husband  arrived home unexpectedly.
>
> “Quick,” said the woman to the lover,”into  the closet!” and she
>
> pushed him in the closet, stark  naked.
>
> The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search  of
>
> the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
>
> “Who are  you?” he asked him.
>
> “I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the  exterminator.
>
> “What are you doing in there?” the husband  asked.
>
> “I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of  moths,”
>
> the man replied.
>
> “And where are your clothes?” asked  the husband.
>
> The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little  bastards!”
>
>
>

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

Sincerely, The Boss

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me…An Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritate.

She asked the teller, ‘Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo
yen.

Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations!’

The Asian lady says, ‘Fluc you white people, too’.

A  five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the
> front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his
> cooler.
>
>  The  little boy asks: ‘Can I have a beer
> Grandpa?’
>
>  Grandpa replies:  ‘Can your pecker touch your
> ass?’
>
>  The little boy answered : ‘No  Grandpa. It’s
> just a little pecker’.
>
>  Gramps says: ‘Well then,  you’re not man enough
> to have a beer’.
>
>  A little later Grandpa  lights up a cigar.  The little
> boy asks: ‘Can I
>  have a cigar Grandpa?’
>
>  Once again, Grandpa asks: ‘Can your pecker touch your
> ass?’
>
>  Once again the little boy replies, ‘No, it’s too
> little’.
>
>  Gramps replies, ‘Then you’re not man enough to
> have a cigar’.    A little
>  later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and
> some cookies.
>
>  Grandpa asks, ‘Hey there young feller, can I  have a
> cookie?’
>
>  The boy ask, ‘Can your pecker touch your ass?’
>
>  Gramps replies, ‘Hell yes, my pecker can touch my
> ass’.
>
>  The little boy replies, ‘Then go fuck yourself’.
> Grandma made  these  for
>  me’.

 A woman’s(steph) husband( jon) had been slipping in and out of a
   coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bed
   side every single day.  One day, he motioned for her to
   come nearer.  She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of
   tears, ‘You know what?  You have been with me all
   through the bad times.’

 ‘When I got fired, you were there to support me.
   When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
   you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you
   stayed right here.’

   ‘When my health started failing, you were still by
   my side…You know what?’

 ‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her
   heart began to fill with warmth.

   ‘I think you’re bad luck, get the hell away
    from me.

A man had lost one of his arms in an accident.
  One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide.
  He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

  He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man
skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.

He said, ‘I’m NOT happy …. my ass itches.’

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. *
> > This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you
> > both have sex until you are blue in the face
> >
> > The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. *
> > This is when you have been with your partner for a short time
> > and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the
> > kitchen.
> >
> > The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. *
> > This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.
> > Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your
> > bedroom.
> >
> > The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex *
> > This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When
> > you pass each other in the hallway you both say ‘screw you.’
> >
> > The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. *
> > Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon
> > and Nun at night.(Very Popular)
> >
> > The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. *
> > This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you
> > to court and screws you in front of everyone.
> >
> > And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social
> > Security Sex. *
> > You get a little each month But not enough to enjoy your self.
> >

Dating in the 1960′s
>
>
>
> It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Harold had a date > with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

>
> ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Harold in. ‘Have > a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? > Iced tea?’

>
> ‘Iced tea, please,’ Harold said. Mom brought the iced tea.
>
> ‘So, what are you and Peggy Sue planning to do tonight?’ she asked.
>
> ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt > shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…’
>
> ‘Peggy likes to screw, you know,’ Mom informed him.
>
> ‘Really?’ Harold asked shocked, eyebrows rose.
>
> ‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued. ‘When she goes out with her friends, > they’re always looking for a new place to do it!’

>
> ‘Is that so?’ asked Harold, incredulous.
>
> ‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we > let her!’
>
> ‘Well umm, thanks for the tip!’ Harold said as he began thinking about > alternate plans for the evening.
>
> A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture > wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a > bouncy ponytail.

>
> She greeted Harold.
>
> ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.
>
>
>
> Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house > and slammed the front door behind her………

>
> ‘Twist, Mom!’ she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. ‘The TWIST, > damnit! It’s called the Twist.
>

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill
repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the
little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with
one of the women inside. I have the money and I’m not leaving until I do.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ‘Do any of the
girls have any diseases?’ Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy
replied, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making it with Amber. So that’s the girl I want!”

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came
back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, ‘Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’

He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my
babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get
the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, Dad will take
the babysitter home. On the way, he’ll jump her bones, and he’ll catch
the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom
will go to bed and have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when
dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with
mom and catch the disease, and he’s the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my
frog!”

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘It’s golf balls’.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked…

‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’

Two Red Necks, Don & Kenny, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Don turns to Kenny and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.” Kenny thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Don goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Don says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife”

“Yes, I do have a wife.”

“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Don shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Kenny at the bar. He tells Kenny about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Kenny says, “What’s that?”

Don says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weed eater?”

“No.”

“Then you’re a queer.”

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. The last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one
drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

“Nice boobs,” says the man, “where do you want the blinds?”

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the

> bathroom.  She said yes.  

>When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper

> so, he used his hand.  

> When he got back to class, his teacher asked,

> ”What do you have in your hand?”  

> The boy said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get

> scared away.”  

> He was then sent to the principal’s office and the

> principal asked him,

> “What do you have in your hand?”  The little boy

> said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hands

> he’ll get scared away.”  The principal got mad and yelled, “Open

> your hands NOW!”  He did and the little boy said,

> “Oh great , now look what you did – You scared the shit out of him!”