Entries Tagged 'Jokes' ↓
October 6th, 2008 — Jokes, rants
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the
> front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his
> cooler.
>
> The little boy asks: ‘Can I have a beer
> Grandpa?’
>
> Grandpa replies: ‘Can your pecker touch your
> ass?’
>
> The little boy answered : ‘No Grandpa. It’s
> just a little pecker’.
>
> Gramps says: ‘Well then, you’re not man enough
> to have a beer’.
>
> A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little
> boy asks: ‘Can I
> have a cigar Grandpa?’
>
> Once again, Grandpa asks: ‘Can your pecker touch your
> ass?’
>
> Once again the little boy replies, ‘No, it’s too
> little’.
>
> Gramps replies, ‘Then you’re not man enough to
> have a cigar’. A little
> later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and
> some cookies.
>
> Grandpa asks, ‘Hey there young feller, can I have a
> cookie?’
>
> The boy ask, ‘Can your pecker touch your ass?’
>
> Gramps replies, ‘Hell yes, my pecker can touch my
> ass’.
>
> The little boy replies, ‘Then go fuck yourself’.
> Grandma made these for
> me’.
September 18th, 2008 — Jokes
A woman’s(steph) husband( jon) had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bed
side every single day. One day, he motioned for her to
come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of
tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times.’
‘When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here.’
‘When my health started failing, you were still by
my side…You know what?’
‘What dear?’ she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.
‘I think you’re bad luck, get the hell away
from me.
August 20th, 2008 — Jokes
A man had lost one of his arms in an accident.
One day he felt terribly depressed and decided to commit suicide.
He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man
skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself.
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man
with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of
his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could
make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.
The one armed man asked, ‘why are you so happy anyway?’
He said, ‘I’m NOT happy …. my ass itches.’
August 15th, 2008 — Jokes
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. *
> > This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you
> > both have sex until you are blue in the face
> >
> > The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. *
> > This is when you have been with your partner for a short time
> > and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the
> > kitchen.
> >
> > The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. *
> > This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.
> > Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your
> > bedroom.
> >
> > The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex *
> > This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When
> > you pass each other in the hallway you both say ‘screw you.’
> >
> > The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. *
> > Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon
> > and Nun at night.(Very Popular)
> >
> > The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. *
> > This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you
> > to court and screws you in front of everyone.
> >
> > And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social
> > Security Sex. *
> > You get a little each month But not enough to enjoy your self.
> >
August 7th, 2008 — Jokes
Dating in the 1960′s
>
>
>
> It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Harold had a date > with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
>
> ‘Oh, come on in!’ Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Harold in. ‘Have > a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? > Iced tea?’
>
> ‘Iced tea, please,’ Harold said. Mom brought the iced tea.
>
> ‘So, what are you and Peggy Sue planning to do tonight?’ she asked.
>
> ‘Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt > shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…’
>
> ‘Peggy likes to screw, you know,’ Mom informed him.
>
> ‘Really?’ Harold asked shocked, eyebrows rose.
>
> ‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued. ‘When she goes out with her friends, > they’re always looking for a new place to do it!’
>
> ‘Is that so?’ asked Harold, incredulous.
>
> ‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we > let her!’
>
> ‘Well umm, thanks for the tip!’ Harold said as he began thinking about > alternate plans for the evening.
>
> A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture > wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a > bouncy ponytail.
>
> She greeted Harold.
>
> ‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.
>
>
>
> Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house > and slammed the front door behind her………
>
> ‘Twist, Mom!’ she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. ‘The TWIST, > damnit! It’s called the Twist.
>
July 30th, 2008 — Jokes
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill
repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the
little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with
one of the women inside. I have the money and I’m not leaving until I do.”
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, ‘Do any of the
girls have any diseases?’ Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy
replied, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making it with Amber. So that’s the girl I want!”
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came
back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, ‘Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?’
He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my
babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get
the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, Dad will take
the babysitter home. On the way, he’ll jump her bones, and he’ll catch
the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom
will go to bed and have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when
dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with
mom and catch the disease, and he’s the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my
frog!”
July 24th, 2008 — Jokes
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘It’s golf balls’.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked…
‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’
July 21st, 2008 — Jokes
Two Red Necks, Don & Kenny, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Don turns to Kenny and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.” Kenny thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Don goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Don says. “What’s that?”
The dean says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weed eater?”
“Yeah.”
“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”
“That’s true, I do have a yard.”
“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Yes, I do have a house.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“I have a family.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife”
“Yes, I do have a wife.”
“And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”
“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”
Excited to take the class now, Don shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Kenny at the bar. He tells Kenny about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Kenny says, “What’s that?”
Don says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weed eater?”
“No.”
“Then you’re a queer.”
July 16th, 2008 — Jokes
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent. The last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one
drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to
lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
“Nice boobs,” says the man, “where do you want the blinds?”
July 9th, 2008 — Jokes
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.
June 24th, 2008 — Jokes
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the
> bathroom. She said yes.
>When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper
> so, he used his hand.
> When he got back to class, his teacher asked,
> ”What do you have in your hand?”
> The boy said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get
> scared away.”
> He was then sent to the principal’s office and the
> principal asked him,
> “What do you have in your hand?” The little boy
> said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
> he’ll get scared away.” The principal got mad and yelled, “Open
> your hands NOW!” He did and the little boy said,
> “Oh great , now look what you did – You scared the shit out of him!”
June 19th, 2008 — Jokes
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.
He asks the next one in line, ‘So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?’
The fellow says, ‘I’m Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States‘
St. Peter says, ‘The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?’
And Obama says, ‘About twenty minutes ago.
June 12th, 2008 — Jokes
Giuseppe is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window
to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much…
it’s all he can think about.
;After about 2 months he saves the priceof the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Ev ery Friday night the Italian communityholds a dance in the church basement.
Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her,’Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?’
Startled, Sophia replies,
‘Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know?’
Giuseppe answers,
‘I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
< B>How do you like them?’
Next he asks Rosa to dance,
and after a few minutes he asks,’Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?’
Rosa answers,
‘Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?’
He replies,
‘I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?’Now as the evening is almost over
and the last song is being played,
Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face
turns red.
He states, ‘Carmela, be stilla my heart,
please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,please, please, tella me this true!’
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
‘Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.’
Giuseppe gasps,
‘Thanka God …
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!’
=
June 10th, 2008 — Jokes, rants
|
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been?
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’ asked John.
‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
knocking him completely out of his chair.
‘Son,’ said John,
‘this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.’
‘We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’ said Tommy.
‘What did you watch?’ asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I am ashamed of you son,’ said John.
‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’
The robot then walked around to John
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,
‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can’t be too mad with Tommy.
After all, he is your son!’
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha
and knocked her out of her chair.
|
June 6th, 2008 — Jokes
A man goes to a public golf course and approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, ‘Iʼd like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.’
The man behind the counter says, ‘The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.’
The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, ‘I think my driver will do the job.’ The robot caddie turned to the man and said, ‘No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.’ Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, ‘How was your game?’ The golfer stated, ‘It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, ‘I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.’
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, ‘Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.’
Confused, the golfer cried, ‘COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible.’
The man sighed and said, ‘Well, it wasn’t their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way.’
The golfer said, ‘So then why didn’t you just paint them black?’ The man nodded sadly and replied, ‘We did. Then four of ‘em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President.’
PS This is a golf joke, I am not a racist!!
June 4th, 2008 — Jokes
For his birthday, little Ben asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, ‘Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.’
The next day the father saw little Ben heading out the front door
with a suitcase, so he asked, ‘Son, where are you going?’
Little Ben told him: ‘I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike.
June 4th, 2008 — Jokes
Interesting Human Body Facts
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the
smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long
when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch
- The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate…they
do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren’t.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
*** You looked at your thumb….. Didn’t you?
May 30th, 2008 — Jokes, rants
May 20th, 2008 — Jokes
Shipwrecked!!
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get ‘those feelings’ again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.
He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
May 19th, 2008 — Jokes
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, ” Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pi lot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
