Spend a minute and laugh
June 19th, 2008 — Jokes
St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter Heaven.
He asks the next one in line, ‘So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?’
The fellow says, ‘I’m Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be elected President of the United States‘
St. Peter says, ‘The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?’
And Obama says, ‘About twenty minutes ago.
June 12th, 2008 — Jokes
Giuseppe is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window
to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much…
it’s all he can think about.
;After about 2 months he saves the priceof the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Ev ery Friday night the Italian communityholds a dance in the church basement.
Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her,’Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?’
Startled, Sophia replies,
‘Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know?’
Giuseppe answers,
‘I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
< B>How do you like them?’
Next he asks Rosa to dance,
and after a few minutes he asks,’Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?’
Rosa answers,
‘Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?’
He replies,
‘I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?’Now as the evening is almost over
and the last song is being played,
Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face
turns red.
He states, ‘Carmela, be stilla my heart,
please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,please, please, tella me this true!’
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
‘Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.’
Giuseppe gasps,
‘Thanka God …
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!’
=
June 10th, 2008 — Jokes, rants
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John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. ‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’ asked John. ‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. ‘Son,’ said John, ‘this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.’ ‘We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’ said Tommy. ‘What did you watch?’ asked Marsha. ‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’ ‘I am ashamed of you son,’ said John. ‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’ The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!’ With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. |
June 6th, 2008 — Jokes
A man goes to a public golf course and approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, ‘Iʼd like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.’
The man behind the counter says, ‘The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.’
The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, ‘I think my driver will do the job.’ The robot caddie turned to the man and said, ‘No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.’ Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, ‘How was your game?’ The golfer stated, ‘It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, ‘I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.’
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, ‘Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.’
Confused, the golfer cried, ‘COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible.’
The man sighed and said, ‘Well, it wasn’t their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way.’
The golfer said, ‘So then why didn’t you just paint them black?’ The man nodded sadly and replied, ‘We did. Then four of ‘em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President.’
PS This is a golf joke, I am not a racist!!
June 4th, 2008 — Jokes
For his birthday, little Ben asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, ‘Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.’
The next day the father saw little Ben heading out the front door
with a suitcase, so he asked, ‘Son, where are you going?’
Little Ben told him: ‘I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike.
June 4th, 2008 — Jokes
Interesting Human Body Facts
- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the
smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long
when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the
liver than men with hair.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch
- The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate…they
do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren’t.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
*** You looked at your thumb….. Didn’t you?
May 20th, 2008 — Jokes
Shipwrecked!!
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.
That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get ‘those feelings’ again..
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and
leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.
Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.
He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
May 19th, 2008 — Jokes
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, ” Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pi lot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
May 16th, 2008 — Jokes
I THINK IT IS TIME TO REPLACE THE STAINED GLASS IN THE RECTORY.
Black Hurricanes….
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else
to be pissed about. A black congresswoman, from Florida, has complained
that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture, such as
Chamiqua, Tanisha, Moeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that
street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in
New Orleans was that black people couldn’t understand the seriousness of
the situation, due to the racially biased lang uage of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says…
Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be
headin’ fo’ yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket!
Bitch be a category fo’! So grab yo’ chirren, yo’
Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo’ da nearest
guv’ment office fo yo FREE shit!
May 8th, 2008 — Jokes
If you want to find out more, click here.
May 5th, 2008 — Jokes
Little Johnnie’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was
invited over to see the baby. Before
they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s
missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the beating of his
life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in
the crib he said, ‘What a beautiful baby.’
The mother said, ‘Why, thank you, Little Johnnie. Johnnie
said, ‘He has beautiful&nb sp; little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?’
‘Yes’, the mother replied, ‘we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have
20/20 vision.’
‘That’s great’, said Little Johnnie, ‘cuz he’d be fucked if he needed
glasses’. 
April 30th, 2008 — Jokes
A Cajun walks into a bar with
A pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute.
“Then he’ll open his mouth
And I’ll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator’s open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
Alligator hard on th e top of
its head.
The gator opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 wh o’s willing to give it a try.”
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up……….
“I’ll try it –
Just don’t hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!”
April 25th, 2008 — Jokes
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”
April 22nd, 2008 — Jokes
CARMEN:
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. “My name is Carmen,” she told him.
“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied, “Is it a family name?”
“No,” she replied. “I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most — cars and men.”
“What’s your name?” she asked.
He said, “Bob Titsenbeer”
What would yours be????
April 21st, 2008 — Jokes
April 16th, 2008 — Jokes
I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas…..
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
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Finally some one cleared this up for me
For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot on their forehead,
Most of us naively thought this was tradition or religion.
The true story is it’s a scratch off once the women marries her husband scratches it off to reveal if he won a gas station, 7-11, donut shop or hotel if its blank underneath then they have to answer the computer support line.
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The correct way to pronounce ” Oklahoma “
All these years I was wrong…
The Proper Way is: ‘ Okla . . Homa’
(There’s a pause between the ‘a’ and the ‘h’.)
I can prove it. .
April 14th, 2008 — Jokes
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY YOU ASK?
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN’T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND.
4. BILL CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
April 6th, 2008 — Jokes
Finding a Chinese Jew
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “are there any Jews in China?”
“I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No, Chinese Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Al asked.
“I will check again, sir,” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Al asked again.
“I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews.”
