Today is national donut day. I am no stranger to donuts. I know that they are bad for you, but I sneek one in once in awhile. Back whenI was a kid, they were not bad for you, along with a lot of other stuff, but someone came out and said they were bad and voila’ , no one eats donuts anymore.

Too Bad!

My favorite donuts are:

French Crullers

Plain

Honey dip( glazed)

Apple cinnamon

Bavarian Cream

I like Dunkin Donuts. Krispy Kreme’s were all the rage, but unless you get the hot glazed ones right out of the oven, they are really over rated.

The best donut I ever had, was on a side road in Las vegas, off the beaten track. They might have been one of the best things I ever ate.

Here is a little history of national Donut Day:

National Doughnut Day is on the first Friday of June each year. The holiday celebrates the doughnut (a.k.a “donut”) — an edible, ring-shaped piece of dough which is deep-fried and sweetened. Many American doughnut stores offer free doughnuts on National Doughnut Day. In 2009,

National Doughnut Day started in 1938 as a fund raiser for the Chicago Salvation Army. Their goal was to help the needy during the Great Depression, and to honor the Salvation Army “Lassies” of World War I, who served doughnuts to soldiers behind the front lines in France.

Another made up holiday, so we can have a day off in February. One of the bullshit holidays. I include Columbus day, Veterans day, Labor day, Presidents day and Of Course MLK day. At least we get a day off for these made up holidays.

If it is black history month? Black people should get the whole month off. I also think that white history month should be July. My people should get that month off. If I am going to be off for months at a time, like a teacher, I want it to be the summer.

What does presidents day mean to me. Nothing absolutely nothing. In the old days, when people had money, they bought cars on this day. Of the 44 presidents, I do not think I can name even half. I would have a hard time just naming the ones while I have been alive. My two favorites in my lifetime have been Jack Kennedy. He was from Mass, and he was banging hot chicks, while in office. I guess if Clinton were from Mass I would have to like him too, as he was banging chicks in the oval office also.

I liked Reagan the most. He was wholesome, smart, caring and a no nonsense guy.

Can you name all four?????

"name em"

What is the chance of this dude making the rock in 100 years?

How many members of the Obama household does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Barack holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

—————

Knock, Knock.

Who’s there?

Barack

Barack who?

If this place is barackin’ don’t come a knockin’

This may or may not surprise you, but I must have 20 male friends with animal names. I do not even know their real names in some cases.

Here are a few that I can think of. many of them are duplicates. For instance i know two mooses and 3 dogs.

Moose (2)

Dog(3)

Fox

Bear

Fish- this could apply to most. I thought his name was fish because of his drinking problem, but I guess his dad owned a fish store and that is where it came from.

Seadog  

Pelican

Squid

Bird

Mouse 

Shark

bambi

 I get asked questions all the time, so I am thinking of writing an advice column. If you have anything that is on your mind, please send your questions to  gmontgo@gmail.com   I will try to answer them for you.

Presidential dance off

Click Here

I like to post about my thoughts on holidays and significant dates.

I guess today is no different.

Today is my anniversary. My wife and I have been married for 29 years, and including the 4 years engaged, that is 33 years of commitment

You might ask me how?  The simple answer is, that she is either not very smart ( and i know she is one of the smartest woman I know) or she has lots and lots of patience to put up with my shit and shenanigans. There is a pathway to heaven for her after all these years with me.

On my part is is very simple: She is the most important person in my life, and I love her more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

I know this sappy hallmark greeting is out of character, and the mrs. never reads the monty minute, but this blog his not only home to jokes and porn, but it is a memoir of things in my life.

Happy anniversary   JOJO

Last weekend, on the docks we had a 50th Birthday party for my dear friend Don Allan.

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with dudes so old, but he has the boat next to me and he makes good drinks.

We had a great time. Don supplied all the booze, and had a pasta chef there that made pasta dishes with crab, lobster,shrimp,kielbasa etc with a choice of Alfredo, pesto,red, garlic butter sauces.

DJ Monty rocked the house all night long. He spun tunes from hard rock to disco. When the police showed up, we had to turn it down a bit, only to be cranked up for Don to do some of his signature dances.

Don boogeyed out on the stern of the c-built to tunes like:

I’m to sexy

Strokin

Can a nigger get a table dance

Ellens techno mix

All in all it was a good time.

Don does not let diabetes or erectile dysfuntion slow him down at age 50, so don’t let it bring you down either.

I will have dock party pictures and video posted here soon, so stay tuned.

Oh Ya DON, it is ok to puke after your party, Just help Ellen clean up next time

My keys are starting to bother me!

I have 11 keys, 4 of those circle rings and one giant key for the car.

The giant key to replace is like $800. It opens the door, locks the door, opens the trunk from 50 yards and will sound a panic alarm as well as open all the windows. Is that worth $800.

The weird part is that I do not have to use the key to start the car, or to lock it. You walk up to the car and it opens, then you get in and push a button to start the car, then when you leave, you push a button to shut it off, then it locks itself when you get 100 feet from the car.

So why the fuck do I need a $800 key? They should have put a chip in my arm when I left the dealership, or a card I can put in my wallet

Anyway, I can only identify 8 of the 11 keys. i do not know what the other 4 are for, but I am afraid to throw them away?? Is that wrong.

Another thing, I have 4 of those swipe things on my key ring. When did that happen? Do I get screwed over, if i go to stop & shop and don’t use it? The others I do not use, but I might.

I do not have any of those stupid add ons on my ring, like penlights, or furry animals, I think I have enough.

Check your keys, I bet you do not know what they all go to.

Famous keys:

Alicia Keys

Francis Scott key

Florida keys

Monk keys

Key Lime Pie ( from Jimmy)

What am I missing here?

besides a brain?

 Skippy takes the dogs out for a cruise…

Life jackets on!! Safety first…

I played golf with a couple of friends the other day down the cape @ Quashnett valley.

Good course, fun to play. I shot 91 and only lost about 4 balls. I played with this guy Scott from Wisconsin that sells cattle for a living. I am not going to lie! He lost 53 balls, an won all the money. Go figure. He sandbagged us with his handicap till the money was on the line. he had 3 pars in the last 5 holes, along with a closest to the pin on the 4th carry over hole.

I just hate it when I get a taste of my own medicine. It is usually me handing out the shit.

The other two guys were Plumbers, so you know they could afford to lose. name me a plumber that is not a millionaire, or a soon to be one.

The meat guy had brought a big ziplock bag of beef jerky that he made in his basement. I tried it. It was the best damn stuff I ever ate. I am not a” jerky guy “( no jokes here) but it was fantastic. I am hooked. I ate tons, it went down well with the tons of drinks we consumed.

Golf, pool and then some boccie on the Cape. Throw in some rum and coke, and it makes for a long ride home, and a longer day in the office the next day.

Call me, I am ready to play again soon and I have to use my minimum at PCC, so lets play.

Monty

” lost a bag of balls, won all the money, but makes good jerky”

Two of Amy’s fav’s

” the old guy tried to keep up with the Montman” BEWARE!!

Played golf and drank with some of the GGG guys.

We were thinking that the waitress at the club looked like Ellie May Clampett

What do you think?

\

He claims ” they looked perfectly good to him”

Once a year for a very short time, Rainier Cherries from the northwest make their way to the market.

they are the best tasting cherries by far.

If you see them, do yourself a favor and buy a bag. They are delicious……

Usage: Eating fresh

Selection: Good quality Rainier cherries will be large, firm and have even deep-red coloring. Rainier cherries usually have some skin discoloration, slight scuffing or brown spotting which often indicates high sugar content.

Avoid: Avoid cherries that are soft, have wrinkled skin, are leaking and sticky or that have any visible signs of decay. Immature cherries will be smaller and less juicy while over-mature product will be soft, dull and wrinkled.

Seasonal Information

Rainier Cherries are available late-June to early-August with the peak in June.

Washington is the largest supplier with cherries also grown in Oregon, California and imported from Canada and Chile.

You’ve been waiting for them, so without further ado  here are the
> 2008 Darwin awards. ……………………..
>
>  Eighth Place
>  In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
> water after squeezing head first through an  18-inch-wide sewer grate
> to retrieve his car keys.
>
>  Seventh Place
>  A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he
> ran” accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
>
>  Sixth Place
>  While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole  for
> protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach  chair at the
> bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath
>  5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and  shovels
> trying to get him out but could not reach him. It  took rescue workers
> using heavy equipment almost an hour to  free him. Jones was
> pronounced dead at a hospital.
>
>  Fifth Place
>  Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the  ceiling of
> a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was  caused when the long
> flashlight he had placed in his mouth  to keep his hands free rammed
> into the base of his skull as  he hit the floor.
>
>  Fourth Place
>  Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet  with friends
> who said he would not put a revolver loaded  with four bullets into
> his mouth and pull the trigger.
>
>  Third Place
>  After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at  the front
> door, a man walked into H&J Leather &  Firearms intent on robbing the
> store. The shop was full of  customers and a uniformed officer was
> standing at the  counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
> announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a  target pistol.
> The officer and a clerk promptly returned  fire, and several customers
> also drew their guns and fired.
>  The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
>  Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge  cases in the
> shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23  gunshot wounds. Ballistics
> identified rounds from 7  different weapons. No one else was hurt.
>
>  HONORABLE MENTION
>  Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just  driving around
> at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of  dynamite to toss out the
> window to see what would happen.
>  Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
>
>  RUNNER UP
>  Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when  one of
> them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped  from a local
> bridge in the middle of traffic. The  conversation grew more heated
> and at least 10 men trooped  along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30
> AM. Upon arrival at  the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that
> no one had  brought a bungee rope.
>  Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and  pointed out
> that a coil of lineman’s cable, lay near by.
>  They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied  the other to
> the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the  cable tightened and
> tore his foot off at the ankle. He  miraculously survived his fall
> into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
> Bingham’s foot was  never located.
>
>  AND THE WINNER IS…
>  Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed  his
> constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and  more than a
> bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the  plugged-up pachyderm
> finally got relief.
>  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting  to give
> the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the  relieved beast
> unloaded. The sheer force of the  elephant’s unexpected defecation
> knocked Mr. Riesfeldt  to the ground where he struck his head on a
> rock as the  elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top
> of  him.
>  It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that  proves a
> saying we see far too often…about ” shit  happening”.

click here to play

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’ d usually talk over the< /SPAN>
beginning and @#*% it all up! 
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Play station video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!
We had the Atari 2600!  With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!! 
And there were no multiple levels or creens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!   

Just like LIFE!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control!  You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!  You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You ha d to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! 
We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a friging fire.  Imagine that! 
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about!  You kids today have got it too easy.  You’re spoiled. 
You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

This woman is looking for me!!

If you see her do not tell her where I am.

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If you want to enjoy the fourth, do not drink a fifth on the third……….